Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
Since my diagnosis about 10 years ago (as a mature adult), none of my close relatives, (including those that are now deceased, my own mother for example), have ever engaged with me on being autistic. The few that are still alive will not even say the word, and have never said it, not once. They ignore the whole thing. I only communicate by email nowadays due to a number of problems, and if I mention how my autism is affecting me in some way, or some aspect of it, even just in passing, they wholesale ignore it, like I never said anything! I find this just bizarre.
I also find this to provoke a number of things, I find it pretty hurtful, confusing, depressing & insulting to be honest. But there's not much I can do about it. I either accept this dynamic, or have no contact at all (from their end).
Has anyone experienced similar? Or experiencing similar? I'd be interested to hear.
Good wishes
Mercifully, my family, friends and colleagues have been very positive, but I gather yours in not an uncommon experience.
I'm sorry you are going through this, it must be quite isolating to have your reality just ignored like that.
Have you asked them why they don't seem to want to engage with it. There might be a number of reasons, mostly I think to do with societal attitude and lack of understanding. They may be embarrassed and just not know what to say, mistakenly think it's a mental illness, view it as some sort of "defect", have all sorts of misconceptions based on media portrayals of autism, be secretly worried that might be them too, worried it's their "fault" or that you'll blame your up bringing. Could be all sorts of things.
But you are right, there absolutely nothing you can do unless they are prepared to say why. If they do, I guess that will be your opener to educate them.
Thanks Dawn, I feel you are very lucky to have good people around you and I'm glad for you. I've got plenty of experience that if I challenge them even a bit, they vanish and I'm left even more isolated. One time, I challenged my late mother on something she was saying and she put the phone down on me! Bullies are good at training you to not 'go there' as you get punished with the silent treatment etc., etc. On one occasion my mother didn't speak to me for 18 months! I only have two immediate relatives left now, and one is having palliative care. So unfortunately it's not the time to have a confrontation.
I know for a fact that they do not have misconceptions such as mental illness or anything like that as I've said enough about autism to dispell that myth (without any acknowledgement). But I think the fact I was not invited to a couple of recent weddings shows how I am viewed! I was the 'black sheep' long long before diagnosis! A sibling even sent me a birthday card once with a photo of a black sheep on it!! (yes - I did get very upset!)
In a lot of NT minds, autism seems to trigger the 'unpredictable lunatic' response, even when they know damn well you're not like that at all. Maybe it's a convenient excuse to think that way.
I'm left having to swallow everything down, not nice to know your family don't really like you. It's just the way it is. But it is frustrating and makes me feel weirdly inadequate all the time.