Unbearable Anxiety about school run

It's very understandable for you to go mute when you're in such a highly anxious state. That happens to me too. Don't worry about needing to communicate in a way that works for you.

As already suggested try and email the school. If you can't find an email address why not send a letter addressed to the headteacher and ask your daughter to give it to her teacher. When I was at primary school in the 70s nearly all communication between parents and teachers was done that way. I had a lot of problems in my early years and was often given a letter in a sealed envelope to take home to my mum. The next morning I was given a reply to take into school and hand to my teacher. 

You can't go on like you are. Every bad experience is adding to your already intolerable anxiety. 

Nana1318 said:

Unfortunately, I haven't managed to talk to school. I freeze whenever I go there and loose my voice too.

Have you tried emailing them? You can ask for the email in a call which should be easier as you are not asking for anything surrounding your condition / needs.

If they ask why you want the email just say you have trouble with verbal communications for more than a very short time - that should stop them asking more.

You can then take time to detail your situation and needs and how they can help.

Do you have any other family member of friend who can step up and help you with the call / discussion? With the nature of you condition it makes a lot more sense for someone else to be the mouthpiece in this situation if practical.

One other possible angle I thought of is if your daughter has any good friends at school who pass your way on their trip to school - could they be persuaded to pick your daughter up from the doorstep (no need for you to interact) and drop her off after school?

Nana1318 said:

I am sorry to moan

Don't be sorry. The cPTSD makes each and every trip a renewed trauma for you, beyond what most of us suffer in out entire lives in many cases. The fact that you can stil so it is incredible.

Remember this when you feel terrible - you are not a bad person.

Hi, 

Thank you lain for your reply and the link to government regulations. I had a read through and you are right nothing is there against children walking to school alone. I also had a read through my local council documents about the topic and there is a statement there that all children regardless of age should be accompanied to and from school safely by parents. I am confused now and stressed. I have managed finally to call my local breakfast/ after school club yesterday but they are full and the only thing that they can offer me is to put my daughter on the waiting list. 

Unfortunately, I haven't managed to talk to school. I freeze whenever I go there and loose my voice too. I go completely mute. I always get that in the most undesirable moment. I have no idea how to bring this matter to them even they knew the situation briefly last school year as they were picking her up and dropping her off for a week. I just freak out. 

At the moment I am trying to find alternative childcare, who can provide school pick up/drop off as I can't live like that. The school year has just started and day by day it's getting worse. Yesterday I pooped myself before the drop off and  I cried after dropping her off. Then I had to take long shower to calm myself down. I had thoughts to cut myslef but I have managed not to do it. I have mowed the grass instead. I could barely eat or drink all day from unbearable stress until I got her back  from school. I felt so sick. On the way to pick her up I have been arm battered by other parent with his child because the path is so narrow and there were so many of us. I thought I am going to die from anxiety. I took my daughter and quickly run off. And it's like that day after day, after day. 

I am sorry to moan. 

Many thanks to you all 

Nana1318 said:

6. 'Talk to school about my difficulties'- I think that I will have to try to do that somehow.. but do you think school will be ok with it? I have a formal c-PTSD diagnosis

I think this is your best bet - the PTSD diagnosis is all you need to give your needs some weight. Hopefully you won't need to go through the pain of sharing this with them if the point below works out:

Nana1318 said:

As far as I know children have to be accompanied to/from school by an adult. 

There is no government requirement for this from what I can see so if there is anything it must be from the school. I looked up:

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/1165730/Travel_to_school_for_children_of_compulsory_school_age.pdf

It will only require a simple email to the school to ask what their policy is for a child the age of your daughter.

I'm certain older children will walk themselves and if it is allowed then you need to be comfortable that your daughter is taught good sense and safety protocols for the task. In my day it was the norm even from 5 years old for us to walk (I had about a 1.5 mile walk each way) so it cannot be that they are considered incapable.

For your ASD diagnosis I would recommend going private in your situation if you think it will help you. It costs between £500 to £2,000 from peoples experiences on the forum.

Good evening to you all, 

Thank you for your advices. I read it all carefully and thought about it. 

1. 'Get someone to take her to school' - I am afraid there is no-one who could possibly do it. My parents died years ago and all my family live very far away. My boyfriend works from 7:30 until 5 p.m Monday to Friday (he is often back way after 5 p.m anyway due to traffic) and his mum works too. 

2. 'Go early' - school gates open at 8:30 and if they are running late with opening them or someone decide to go early then all parents and pupils are stuck in very narrow pathway or on the pavement by the main entrance and I am expected as a parent to take her to her classroom and drop her off there... Going early for me then would mean that I have to manage being in crowded place for longer. 

3. 'Teach your daughter to be safe and let her walk to school'- similarly as point 4, I am not sure what are the rules now. As far as I know children have to be accompanied to/from school by an adult. 

4. 'Go part way'- I am not sure if I am allowed to do it. As far as I know all children has to be dropped off to school by an adult/ person 16 years+. I am not sure what rules are about it really. 

5. 'Drive'- I am unfortunately a learner driver and I cannot drive on my own. Also my daughter's school has really small car park and parents are not allowed to park there. Parents who drop their kids off by car have to obtain permit for a car park in town which is about 7-10mins away from school and then walk. 

6. 'Talk to school about my difficulties'- I think that I will have to try to do that somehow.. but do you think school will be ok with it? I have a formal c-PTSD diagnosis but I haven't got a formal ASD diagnosis. The only thing I have are letters from psychiatrist assessment confirming my previous PTSD  diagnosis and ?ASD plus GP referral which was refused by ASD team because I am under care of CMHT. I am going backwards and forwards between professionals about it and I am not sure if the school will be able to help without a formal diagnosis? 

Thank you very very much for all your replies. It really means a lot to me. 

Nana1318 said:

I thought about talking to school if I can possibly be late like 10 minutes for example if she starts 8:45 can I be 8:55 so most of parents are gone by then and same with pick up if I have to take her 3:15 can I be 3:25 but I just can't do it. I struggle to talk. They were so kind anyway they came forward and took her to school and back last year for whole week when I was in crisis. 

Delaying by 10 minutes can make a huge difference to the experience. When I was at secondary school I used to find the noise and crowds unbearable and would deliberately hang back until they had dispersed before I entered the school gates. Of course at the time I didn't know I was autistic and I would end up in detention for being late most days. I didn't mind that punishment, as being in detention meant I could also escape the unbearable noise and crowds at the end of the school day.

I agree with the above, to email or write to the school and explain. It does sound as if they will be understanding, as they were so helpful last year. I'm sure they would agree to your request to vary the start and end times.

The school may also be aware if another pupil lives very close, who your daughter could perhaps accompany to school. When I was growing up it was normal for children to walk to and from school on their own from a very young age. My mum suffered from severe agoraphobia throughout my childhood and she really struggled to take me to and from nursery school. Once I started primary aged 5 she arranged for me to walk with a girl my age who lived nearby.

However the following year I had to also start going home every lunch time as well. The school said I could not stay for school dinners any more, as they could not get me to eat anything (due to my sensory issues). There was nobody I could walk with at lunchtimes and I had to walk on my own both ways every day from around 6 years old onwards.

If the school has a before and after school club then there are responsible adults available to look after your child. I would write or email the school and be entirely honest about your difficulties. Ask them if, because of these genuine problems, your child could sit in with the club children for a 10 to 15 minute period before the morning crush and a 10 to 15 minute period after afternoon crush, so that you can avoid the worst of the crowds.

Nana1318 said:

I also suffer from c-PTSD and even if I overheard someone saying one word that reminds me horrible stuff we went through I immediately go into flashback. I dread every single time. I dread every single time I have to go out.

I think you need to cut yourself some slack here - you have a major trauma to live with and the physical manifestations of this are severe so it is no wonder you dread going out.

I'm sorry for find yourself in this situation but reaching out to us may bring some options that can help.

I'm a problem solver so let me come up with some suggestions here and you can consider if there is anything that you want to consider from it - no expectations, no judgement and just a lot of support for you.

1 - Get someone to take her to school. Are you or your family friends / colleagues with anyone that is near and does the same school run? If so ask if they can pick up your daughter and when possible bring her home.

You may need to open up about your c-PTSD just enough to let then understand why it is so stressful for you so this can be a challenge.

This will give you much fewer occassions when you need to do the run (eg if they are not going that day) but it lets you save your energy for those occassions.

2 - Go early. Take your daughter in at 8.15 before the majority of parents are there and she can play in the playground.

3 - Teach your daughter to be safe and let her walk to school. It was the norm in my generation and there were not mass abductions or deaths from traffic accidents so I suspect it is pretty safe to do so.

4 - Go part way. Not really as good a solution as you will still encounter people en-route but it may be enough to let her walk the last few hundred yards to school on her own.

5 - drive. Yes it is environmentally unfriendly and terrible traffic, but it is still better than the alternatives and you can always say you are on your way to somewhere else is some Karen sticks her nose into your business.

Have a mull over these and see if anything looks like it could form the seed of a plan.

Good luck

Thank you very very much for your replies.

I do the school run by foot. We live only few minutes away from the school.

It's hard to describe. I just panic. I have to go through the gate and drop my daughter off to the door of her classroom. There are few gates at school. And every of them is crowded. Now, when my daughter has changed her classroom it's became closer to  one of the gates but anyway It's just very busy, noisy and crowded. I guess I have very bad social anxiety ( I always did, from early childhood I missed school myself a lot due to being ill from stress). I get very anxious even when people just stand next to me. But I also suffer from c-PTSD and even if I overheard someone saying one word that reminds me horrible stuff we went through I immediately go into flashback. I dread every single time. I dread every single time I have to go out. Yesterday I went there in the morning I dropped her off and I started to cry on the way back really trying to hold myself until I get home so I can fully burst into tears. I did and I cried fro ages. I use loops earplugs or earphones with music. I put fidgety things in my pocket so I can fidget it when noone sees. I try to distract myself by talking to my daughter or by pretending to be busy with my phone. But the feeling is horrible. I hate it. I feel like a failure. Other mums and dads happily stand there seeing their children going to the class, chat to each other and I just can't do any of it. We started off well last year reception but it went downhill quickly and now I also worry that other parents from my daughter's class will think bad of me and my daughter too? Today I ended up going toilet twice with diarrhoea and retching  before I went to school with her in the morning. I made myself purposely late little bit ( so it's less people there because it would be even more busy otherwise) I dropped her off and I was literally running out of there.

I feel exhausted from it. I thought about talking to school if I can possibly be late like 10 minutes for example if she starts 8:45 can I be 8:55 so most of parents are gone by then and same with pick up if I have to take her 3:15 can I be 3:25 but I just can't do it. I struggle to talk. They were so kind anyway they came forward and took her to school and back last year for whole week when I was in crisis. 

I also thought about before and after school club but it cost a lot of money. I would have to spend between £240-300 each month to do that and I simply don't have that amount to spare. 

I have no idea what to do. 

Thank you very much in advance for any further advice. Very much appreciate it. 

Many thanks

Do you do the drop off and pick up by car?

This should shield you from everyone else and you just need to put up with the traffic at the time.

If you do this on foot it will be much more difficult - could you possibly take her to a block from the school and let her walk the last few hundred yards by herself with you watching from a distance?

At least this way people will be flowing past you and you are less likely to be caught up in attempts at conversation. Some headphones (even if not in use) should discourage anyone from speaking to you too.

If you can be more specific about what aspects of crowds are an issue for you then we may be able to come up with more tuned recommendations.

Hi I'm sorry you are having a tough time of it. While it isn't anxiety that caused the need for it, but my being time-blind, I have an arrangement to collect my kid from the school reception if I'm more than 10 mins late and the school call me to check if I'm on my way. (Usually I am, it's just being time blind makes me frequently 5-15 mins late for almost everything, so it's something I have to notify people of beforehand for almost everything if I can't leave abnormally early and end up waiting about half an hour on the destination end). It's not unusual for me to get there very early and just sit in the quieter corner of the reception area either. I find coincidentally not being caught in the main time window rush by being early or late is a lot calmer.
Best of luck.

Hello Nana1318

I'm sorry to hear you have been experiencing anxiety around the school run. You may like to have a look at the mental health section of our website which has useful links to information and advice about a range of mental health issues: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health  

The information on this page may be of particular interest: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/anxiety  

If you feel that you might need some support with your mental health, you can find advice and information on how to go about seeking help, including links to other resources and details of helplines and listening support services, here: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/seeking-help. 

All the best,

ChloeMod