Depressed

I'm an atheist so can't subscribe to the god vendetta theory, but I understand your desire to be in a relationship. I've been in quite a few but always seem to upset the person I'm with eventually because of my 'irregular' ways. Autumn Trees is right, being single can be way more fun, but I have to admit I really miss having company at times. At 23 you have plenty of time to meet someone and it always seems to happen when you least expect it. The harder you try the less likely it seems to materialise. I've been on my own for almost 2 years now and I'm just starting to think about finding someone again. I'm 58 and don't like socialising beyond a few very close friends so it's never going to be easy, but it won't stop me trying. I'd say you're in with a better shout than me. Go for it.

Twitch said:

The harder you try the less likely it seems to materialise

That is because you are more relaxed, more authentic and the other person can see more of the real you.

When we are looking for a partner there is an air of desperation that often accompanies us which is quite unattractive to others I've found.

Twitch said:

The harder you try the less likely it seems to materialise

That is because you are more relaxed, more authentic and the other person can see more of the real you.

When we are looking for a partner there is an air of desperation that often accompanies us which is quite unattractive to others I've found.

You answered your own question there! Smart guy that Yoda.

"Do or Do not, there is no Try" ?

Pegg said:

The problem is the emotional difficulty in changing those routines; of surrendering- even if slightly - the known for the unknown. Such changes are easier incrementally, but the nature of risk is that it is seldom incremental. 

<engaging Yoda mode>

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

“Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny. Consume you, it will.”

Fear of change you have.

“Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.”

<disengage Yoda mode>

Iain said:

Meh, the abyss is just a marketing ploy thought up by autism.

 I like that..

Iain said:

When you think about it, every one of our safe routines was once alien to us, so for us to be able to adapt to them and find them so comforting means that other things can offer the same potential

Well yes, your logic is impeccable!  The problem is the emotional difficulty in changing those routines; of surrendering- even if slightly - the known for the unknown. Such changes are easier incrementally, but the nature of risk is that it is seldom incremental. 

Tricky. Although from what you say, you seem to have a fairly balanced approach. 

I am very risk-averse. Occasionally I emerge and do something exciting, I usually enjoy it! But I find it stressful too.

You have to bear in mind that it's only recently that I realised how much I was masking and why. Now I have a better understanding, and the support of so many people that understand on this forum, I believe I can make my 'avatar' someone a bit more of me and a bit less actor. In fact I think that's already happening. My episodes of meltdown, frustration, and depression are slowly waning and being replaced by a more harmonious, contented feeling. I put that down to a combination of diagnosis, acceptance, and realisation that I'm not alone.

The spikey bits are triggered by a variety of situations but tend to be based on a common theme. Basically when people interrupt my 'flow'. I see things in black and white, and get upset when greys are introduced. I know that sounds ridiculous because life is full of grey areas, but my mind works very quickly to move those greys into either black or white in order to keep some sort of metal momentum going. When people put obstacles in the way of that I lose the plot. In my head I'm calling everyone idiots, and can't understand why they can't see the answers in the same timeframe as me. That's where the mask comes in. I hide my true feelings behind it and put on a fake show of empathy to avoid conflict. When I'm behind the wheel of my car and I don't have to wear the mask all sorts of demons can be unleashed, just because someone in front of me is doing 45mph on a 60mph road for instance. I know it's unproductive, exhausting, depressing and all the other negatives, but suppressing it is so hard for me. Maybe because I've been suppressing inner feelings all day?

My writing is my great escape. I can be who I want in that world. My perfect job would be ghost writer for a celebrity. They can have all the fame, credit, devotion etc. and I'd just take a nice fat cheque for my anonymous work and not have to deal with people beyond those I care about.

Pegg said:

Is it worth risking that leap into the abyss?

Meh, the abyss is just a marketing ploy thought up by autism.

Real life is full of uncertainty and variability and it is only through carefully constructing a sheild of predictability around us can we stay in what we believe is out comfort zone.

There are places outside of this that are way more fun when managed in a careful way. Approaching these limited occasion situations with a "it will be fun" mindset makes all the difference.

We tend to use the "different is scary" approach so we are already seening the negatives when they are trivial and miss out of the big fun stuff that can be accessed.

I can see it from both sides but I always make sure to do the big scary but fun stuff a few times a year (eg travelling to an exotic new country) and the lesser stuff (trying new restaurants, visiting a nearby town for a day out) evey month or two.

When you think about it, every one of our safe routines was once alien to us, so for us to be able to adapt to them and find them so comforting means that other things can offer the same potential.

It really helps to be able to control your anxiety of the different stuff, but that is covered well on other anxiety threads here.

Iain said:

This can be a challenge for some autists who need to know expected routes to an outcome and have way more certainty than the courtship dance entails with neurotypicals

Yes... I think this is right. Uncertainty is difficult and destabilising, and thus a risk in itself. 

Is it worth risking that leap into the abyss?

Well, I don't know.

Pegg said:

Do you think people tend to try too hard when they're looking for a partner? 

On the whole yes. I found you could almost smell the desperation of someone who is really looking for a partner, whether trying to find a specific fit (burning through candidates fast) or just to find anyone (mostly blokes looking for girls) - there is something about them that is quite unattractive in my opinion.

I only found worthwhile relationships when I stopped "hunting" for a partner and just chatted to the women around me in an authentic way. Being relaxed with yourself and your surroundings can be quite a draw for some partners who are probably more used to being hit on by people "hunting".

This can be a challenge for some autists who need to know expected routes to an outcome and have way more certainty than the courtship dance entails with neurotypicals. You sometimes have to let yourself flow with events for a while and get used to not being in control - in sharing the journey of knowing each other and doing new stuff together.

For me these have been some of the best times in my life although I sometimes wonder if I could face the vunlerability of doing it all over again (being 11 years short of retirement age).

Twitch said:

I feel like I have to mask because the real me can be very blunt and say things that are a bit too honest or controversial for most people to handle. It has caused me issues many times so I have learned to switch on my alter ego, just to try to fit in more easily.

How about making your alter ego the same authentic you but minus the controvertial stuff. Be blunt - it is a part of you but you don't need to go to the conversations that are making people uncomfortable. Just be that person of less words.

It is way easier to be you and switch off a few bits rather than being a whole new someone else.

Twitch said:

In relationships I try to be myself because I like most of the authentic version, but it has some spikey facets and it's those that always let me down

Would you care to elabotate on the spikey bits? Are these something you can just avoid having conversations about or are you really controvertial about stuff that is everyday?

I believe a bit of tuning and you can be much more relaxed, more authentic and less of a problem for others (and hence less of a pain to yourself as a result of the consequences).

I think you're probably right.. Do you think people tend to try too hard when they're looking for a partner? 

I suppose dating sites prove the point, somewhat. 

Iain said:

suspect you were heading for a meltdown anyway and let the mask slip becuase you were running out of energy to maintain it - does that sound familiar?

Yes, you're absolutely right. I feel like I have to mask because the real me can be very blunt and say things that are a bit too honest or controversial for most people to handle. It has caused me issues many times so I have learned to switch on my alter ego, just to try to fit in more easily. If we're being completely open here, I hate people. I hate being around them, having to make small talk, having to remember to be polite etc. Those things don't come naturally to me but are required if I want to keep my job and keep paying my bills. I keep my job because I'm good at it, at least my stunt double is.

In relationships I try to be myself because I like most of the authentic version, but it has some spikey facets and it's those that always let me down. Once again you are right in saying that it is better not to give a false image, but when I meet someone I really like I'm afraid that the unfiltered me will scare them away, and I kid myself that I can maintain some sort of charade to keep them. Sad but true.

Twitch said:

Today at work my mask slipped and I had a mini meltdown while I was in the office with my boss and it was an awkward moment.

If it not common for letting the mask slipping leading to a meltdown. I suspect you were heading for a meltdown anyway and let the mask slip becuase you were running out of energy to maintain it - does that sound familiar?

Reducing masking is actually much more likely to lead to less stress as you are not having to maintain it.

Twitch said:

I have to mask to get through the working day. I will have to do the same to start another relationship.

Ok, blunt question time.

Why do you think you have to mask so much to do these things. Have you tried just giving it half the effory and seeing if anyone notices?

For the relationship it is much more productive to be authentic as selling a false image of yourself is a sure fire way to lead to dissapointment when you can't maintain it and the partner sees you sold them a lie.

You know you are doing it too - there is no excuse such as non diagnosed people have so why continue selling a false version of yourself.

Do you like the authentic version of youself? The version that is free from masking and scripting?

Sorry, these are difficult questions but I think you will benefit from answering them honestly.

But what if I'm afraid they won't like the real me?

I have to mask to get through the working day. I will have to do the same to start another relationship. Today at work my mask slipped and I had a mini meltdown while I was in the office with my boss and it was an awkward moment. Luckily he is very understanding. Relationship partners are not always so understanding, as I have found out to my detriment, because they don't just see you 9-5 but when you come home tired, frustrated, and in need of a bit of space. To them you're being a grumpy git when really all you need is a bit of calm.