Depressed

I agree with the others on several key points -

Meds do NOT bring happiness, quite the reverse in my experience 

Authenticity is paramount, along with honest communication 

Dating sites can be toxic and that sense of desperation in mostly men hugely UNattractive

Women these days are empowered and many very choosey, we aren’t to be objectified and hit on ( I’m not saying you are doing this but it’s my perspective and worth emphasising )

You are truly young, I only found true love and connection last year when 64  I wasn’t looking for a relationship at all yet here I am truly happy, loving and loved 

Good luck 

Emma

I think you have it - wisdom indeed. Anyone meeting you while you are not emotionally stable will not see the true you.

Speaking as a woman, I dislike men that "hit" on me, feeling that they are only after one thing. The ones I like best are those I know firstly as friends, those where we share respect and trust and that takes time. Not to put you down for having good looks, but for me character is more important.

The wider your circle of friends and acquaintances,  the greater the likelihood of meeting someone, directly or as the friend of a friend.

Yeh we could that would be good.

This is a platitude but at only 23 you are still very young with plenty of time to find a lovely lady to share your life with. (Voice of experience -I am 66).

I have found actively looking for partners has always failed for me, but joining in with activities relating to my special interests has given me friends first and subsequently led to a few significant relationships. But I go first and foremost for sharing the common interest. If anything else happens that's nice.

I also relate to antidepressants not working to the extent the psychiatrists no longer prescribe them for me. I am on something for anxiety though. In your place, I would ask to try a different medication. Finding the best one can be trial and error.

Hang in there - life will get better.

Hello Yellow tree,

sorry you are having issues. I am a keen cyclist and am out six days a week. Maybe if you live in the area, then we could go out for a ride as there are many great routes and cafes. 

Hi yellow tree I'm so sorry you're feeling this way at the moment.

You aren't alone I'm not in a relationship either I've never even been on a date. I must be super ugly I guess lol

I think meds work for some but a lot of people with autism find they don't work. Definitely talk to your doctor and see if he she can change your medication or offer something more helpful like therapy.

A lot of people find therapy more helpful than meds.

I've got a therapist and I find talking to her more helpful than the Sertraline they originally put me on.

You're not sad and pathetic you're just going through a rough patch and the depression is doing a lot of the talking.

Hang in there we're all here for you :) 

I'm sorry you're so down and yes, you do need some support. I've been through stretches of relationship wilderness too for one reason or another. It can get lonely.

I have some strong petsonal views on meds I wouldn't push on other people if they find them helpful, but I think I'm on safe ground to say that if the absence of love in your life is the source of your depression, there isn't a pill in the world or any medical action (other than counselling) a GP can take to fix that. Love isn't found in a pill bottle for anyone.

I think I'm also on safe ground to say love is a matter of luck not fairness or God's ire. It is one of those things that happens when it happens. It does however help to be in the right frame of mind when the right person turns up. That's where counselling might help.

Yeh all I can do is go to groups and meet people and if something happens it happens. If not then so be it. Maybe I’m not ready just now anyway, as I’m a bit all over the place with my mental health and I really need to speak to a therapist and work through my trauma. I think having a girl or a guy in my life would just not last long if I was so emotionally upset all the time. I need to try and recover first then maybe girls will naturally be attracted to me. To be fair I get a lot of looks from girls in the street so I do have some awareness that I am hot stuff. Just wish I could meet the ideal lady. But where I live a lot of the girls are into drugs and stuff like that and I don’t want to date someone that uses substances if you get what I mean. Some guys would go out with anyone but not me. I have a level of wiseness for my age that is uncommon in most young men from what I understand.

You answered your own question there! Smart guy that Yoda.

"Do or Do not, there is no Try" ?

Pegg said:

The problem is the emotional difficulty in changing those routines; of surrendering- even if slightly - the known for the unknown. Such changes are easier incrementally, but the nature of risk is that it is seldom incremental. 

<engaging Yoda mode>

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

“Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny. Consume you, it will.”

Fear of change you have.

“Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.”

<disengage Yoda mode>

Iain said:

Meh, the abyss is just a marketing ploy thought up by autism.

 I like that..

Iain said:

When you think about it, every one of our safe routines was once alien to us, so for us to be able to adapt to them and find them so comforting means that other things can offer the same potential

Well yes, your logic is impeccable!  The problem is the emotional difficulty in changing those routines; of surrendering- even if slightly - the known for the unknown. Such changes are easier incrementally, but the nature of risk is that it is seldom incremental. 

Tricky. Although from what you say, you seem to have a fairly balanced approach. 

I am very risk-averse. Occasionally I emerge and do something exciting, I usually enjoy it! But I find it stressful too.

You have to bear in mind that it's only recently that I realised how much I was masking and why. Now I have a better understanding, and the support of so many people that understand on this forum, I believe I can make my 'avatar' someone a bit more of me and a bit less actor. In fact I think that's already happening. My episodes of meltdown, frustration, and depression are slowly waning and being replaced by a more harmonious, contented feeling. I put that down to a combination of diagnosis, acceptance, and realisation that I'm not alone.

The spikey bits are triggered by a variety of situations but tend to be based on a common theme. Basically when people interrupt my 'flow'. I see things in black and white, and get upset when greys are introduced. I know that sounds ridiculous because life is full of grey areas, but my mind works very quickly to move those greys into either black or white in order to keep some sort of metal momentum going. When people put obstacles in the way of that I lose the plot. In my head I'm calling everyone idiots, and can't understand why they can't see the answers in the same timeframe as me. That's where the mask comes in. I hide my true feelings behind it and put on a fake show of empathy to avoid conflict. When I'm behind the wheel of my car and I don't have to wear the mask all sorts of demons can be unleashed, just because someone in front of me is doing 45mph on a 60mph road for instance. I know it's unproductive, exhausting, depressing and all the other negatives, but suppressing it is so hard for me. Maybe because I've been suppressing inner feelings all day?

My writing is my great escape. I can be who I want in that world. My perfect job would be ghost writer for a celebrity. They can have all the fame, credit, devotion etc. and I'd just take a nice fat cheque for my anonymous work and not have to deal with people beyond those I care about.

Pegg said:

Is it worth risking that leap into the abyss?

Meh, the abyss is just a marketing ploy thought up by autism.

Real life is full of uncertainty and variability and it is only through carefully constructing a sheild of predictability around us can we stay in what we believe is out comfort zone.

There are places outside of this that are way more fun when managed in a careful way. Approaching these limited occasion situations with a "it will be fun" mindset makes all the difference.

We tend to use the "different is scary" approach so we are already seening the negatives when they are trivial and miss out of the big fun stuff that can be accessed.

I can see it from both sides but I always make sure to do the big scary but fun stuff a few times a year (eg travelling to an exotic new country) and the lesser stuff (trying new restaurants, visiting a nearby town for a day out) evey month or two.

When you think about it, every one of our safe routines was once alien to us, so for us to be able to adapt to them and find them so comforting means that other things can offer the same potential.

It really helps to be able to control your anxiety of the different stuff, but that is covered well on other anxiety threads here.

Iain said:

This can be a challenge for some autists who need to know expected routes to an outcome and have way more certainty than the courtship dance entails with neurotypicals

Yes... I think this is right. Uncertainty is difficult and destabilising, and thus a risk in itself. 

Is it worth risking that leap into the abyss?

Well, I don't know.

Pegg said:

Do you think people tend to try too hard when they're looking for a partner? 

On the whole yes. I found you could almost smell the desperation of someone who is really looking for a partner, whether trying to find a specific fit (burning through candidates fast) or just to find anyone (mostly blokes looking for girls) - there is something about them that is quite unattractive in my opinion.

I only found worthwhile relationships when I stopped "hunting" for a partner and just chatted to the women around me in an authentic way. Being relaxed with yourself and your surroundings can be quite a draw for some partners who are probably more used to being hit on by people "hunting".

This can be a challenge for some autists who need to know expected routes to an outcome and have way more certainty than the courtship dance entails with neurotypicals. You sometimes have to let yourself flow with events for a while and get used to not being in control - in sharing the journey of knowing each other and doing new stuff together.

For me these have been some of the best times in my life although I sometimes wonder if I could face the vunlerability of doing it all over again (being 11 years short of retirement age).

Twitch said:

I feel like I have to mask because the real me can be very blunt and say things that are a bit too honest or controversial for most people to handle. It has caused me issues many times so I have learned to switch on my alter ego, just to try to fit in more easily.

How about making your alter ego the same authentic you but minus the controvertial stuff. Be blunt - it is a part of you but you don't need to go to the conversations that are making people uncomfortable. Just be that person of less words.

It is way easier to be you and switch off a few bits rather than being a whole new someone else.

Twitch said:

In relationships I try to be myself because I like most of the authentic version, but it has some spikey facets and it's those that always let me down

Would you care to elabotate on the spikey bits? Are these something you can just avoid having conversations about or are you really controvertial about stuff that is everyday?

I believe a bit of tuning and you can be much more relaxed, more authentic and less of a problem for others (and hence less of a pain to yourself as a result of the consequences).

I think you're probably right.. Do you think people tend to try too hard when they're looking for a partner? 

I suppose dating sites prove the point, somewhat. 

I think because I've been in a few longish term relationships that it will inevitably happen again. That's not meant arrogantly, just optimistically. I also know you can try too hard and it won't happen. I never wanted children myself, but I loved being an uncle to my brother's kids, and the thought of being a step grandparent one day is quite appealing. I just find it hard to commit and conform to the whole 'family' concept. If that's what you desire then don't let life get in the way of it. I'm sure you will find someone when the time is right. I don't mean to preach but I think maybe you need to learn to like yourself first, then you will feel more positive about expressing yourself to the future Mrs. Yellow Tree. 

I didn't have a partner until i was 54 then it's an online one. I hat to sit and watch my friends and every one ese date then it was get married then have children then divorces some have died before they had a chance to date get married have kids. I always wanted to have kids of my own i can't have them now. I thought like you. to be honest being in a relationship is very hard work and not what you and not what you wanted it to be at times. If i could go back in time i would stay single and enjoy myself where ever i could,