Depressed

I'm an atheist so can't subscribe to the god vendetta theory, but I understand your desire to be in a relationship. I've been in quite a few but always seem to upset the person I'm with eventually because of my 'irregular' ways. Autumn Trees is right, being single can be way more fun, but I have to admit I really miss having company at times. At 23 you have plenty of time to meet someone and it always seems to happen when you least expect it. The harder you try the less likely it seems to materialise. I've been on my own for almost 2 years now and I'm just starting to think about finding someone again. I'm 58 and don't like socialising beyond a few very close friends so it's never going to be easy, but it won't stop me trying. I'd say you're in with a better shout than me. Go for it.

Twitch said:

The harder you try the less likely it seems to materialise

That is because you are more relaxed, more authentic and the other person can see more of the real you.

When we are looking for a partner there is an air of desperation that often accompanies us which is quite unattractive to others I've found.

I think you're probably right.. Do you think people tend to try too hard when they're looking for a partner? 

I suppose dating sites prove the point, somewhat. 

You answered your own question there! Smart guy that Yoda.

"Do or Do not, there is no Try" ?

Pegg said:

The problem is the emotional difficulty in changing those routines; of surrendering- even if slightly - the known for the unknown. Such changes are easier incrementally, but the nature of risk is that it is seldom incremental. 

<engaging Yoda mode>

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

“Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny. Consume you, it will.”

Fear of change you have.

“Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.”

<disengage Yoda mode>

Iain said:

Meh, the abyss is just a marketing ploy thought up by autism.

 I like that..

Iain said:

When you think about it, every one of our safe routines was once alien to us, so for us to be able to adapt to them and find them so comforting means that other things can offer the same potential

Well yes, your logic is impeccable!  The problem is the emotional difficulty in changing those routines; of surrendering- even if slightly - the known for the unknown. Such changes are easier incrementally, but the nature of risk is that it is seldom incremental. 

Tricky. Although from what you say, you seem to have a fairly balanced approach. 

I am very risk-averse. Occasionally I emerge and do something exciting, I usually enjoy it! But I find it stressful too.

Pegg said:

Is it worth risking that leap into the abyss?

Meh, the abyss is just a marketing ploy thought up by autism.

Real life is full of uncertainty and variability and it is only through carefully constructing a sheild of predictability around us can we stay in what we believe is out comfort zone.

There are places outside of this that are way more fun when managed in a careful way. Approaching these limited occasion situations with a "it will be fun" mindset makes all the difference.

We tend to use the "different is scary" approach so we are already seening the negatives when they are trivial and miss out of the big fun stuff that can be accessed.

I can see it from both sides but I always make sure to do the big scary but fun stuff a few times a year (eg travelling to an exotic new country) and the lesser stuff (trying new restaurants, visiting a nearby town for a day out) evey month or two.

When you think about it, every one of our safe routines was once alien to us, so for us to be able to adapt to them and find them so comforting means that other things can offer the same potential.

It really helps to be able to control your anxiety of the different stuff, but that is covered well on other anxiety threads here.

Iain said:

This can be a challenge for some autists who need to know expected routes to an outcome and have way more certainty than the courtship dance entails with neurotypicals

Yes... I think this is right. Uncertainty is difficult and destabilising, and thus a risk in itself. 

Is it worth risking that leap into the abyss?

Well, I don't know.

Pegg said:

Do you think people tend to try too hard when they're looking for a partner? 

On the whole yes. I found you could almost smell the desperation of someone who is really looking for a partner, whether trying to find a specific fit (burning through candidates fast) or just to find anyone (mostly blokes looking for girls) - there is something about them that is quite unattractive in my opinion.

I only found worthwhile relationships when I stopped "hunting" for a partner and just chatted to the women around me in an authentic way. Being relaxed with yourself and your surroundings can be quite a draw for some partners who are probably more used to being hit on by people "hunting".

This can be a challenge for some autists who need to know expected routes to an outcome and have way more certainty than the courtship dance entails with neurotypicals. You sometimes have to let yourself flow with events for a while and get used to not being in control - in sharing the journey of knowing each other and doing new stuff together.

For me these have been some of the best times in my life although I sometimes wonder if I could face the vunlerability of doing it all over again (being 11 years short of retirement age).

Pegg said:

Do you think people tend to try too hard when they're looking for a partner? 

On the whole yes. I found you could almost smell the desperation of someone who is really looking for a partner, whether trying to find a specific fit (burning through candidates fast) or just to find anyone (mostly blokes looking for girls) - there is something about them that is quite unattractive in my opinion.

I only found worthwhile relationships when I stopped "hunting" for a partner and just chatted to the women around me in an authentic way. Being relaxed with yourself and your surroundings can be quite a draw for some partners who are probably more used to being hit on by people "hunting".

This can be a challenge for some autists who need to know expected routes to an outcome and have way more certainty than the courtship dance entails with neurotypicals. You sometimes have to let yourself flow with events for a while and get used to not being in control - in sharing the journey of knowing each other and doing new stuff together.

For me these have been some of the best times in my life although I sometimes wonder if I could face the vunlerability of doing it all over again (being 11 years short of retirement age).

You answered your own question there! Smart guy that Yoda.

"Do or Do not, there is no Try" ?

Pegg said:

The problem is the emotional difficulty in changing those routines; of surrendering- even if slightly - the known for the unknown. Such changes are easier incrementally, but the nature of risk is that it is seldom incremental. 

<engaging Yoda mode>

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

“Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny. Consume you, it will.”

Fear of change you have.

“Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.”

<disengage Yoda mode>

Iain said:

Meh, the abyss is just a marketing ploy thought up by autism.

 I like that..

Iain said:

When you think about it, every one of our safe routines was once alien to us, so for us to be able to adapt to them and find them so comforting means that other things can offer the same potential

Well yes, your logic is impeccable!  The problem is the emotional difficulty in changing those routines; of surrendering- even if slightly - the known for the unknown. Such changes are easier incrementally, but the nature of risk is that it is seldom incremental. 

Tricky. Although from what you say, you seem to have a fairly balanced approach. 

I am very risk-averse. Occasionally I emerge and do something exciting, I usually enjoy it! But I find it stressful too.

Pegg said:

Is it worth risking that leap into the abyss?

Meh, the abyss is just a marketing ploy thought up by autism.

Real life is full of uncertainty and variability and it is only through carefully constructing a sheild of predictability around us can we stay in what we believe is out comfort zone.

There are places outside of this that are way more fun when managed in a careful way. Approaching these limited occasion situations with a "it will be fun" mindset makes all the difference.

We tend to use the "different is scary" approach so we are already seening the negatives when they are trivial and miss out of the big fun stuff that can be accessed.

I can see it from both sides but I always make sure to do the big scary but fun stuff a few times a year (eg travelling to an exotic new country) and the lesser stuff (trying new restaurants, visiting a nearby town for a day out) evey month or two.

When you think about it, every one of our safe routines was once alien to us, so for us to be able to adapt to them and find them so comforting means that other things can offer the same potential.

It really helps to be able to control your anxiety of the different stuff, but that is covered well on other anxiety threads here.

Iain said:

This can be a challenge for some autists who need to know expected routes to an outcome and have way more certainty than the courtship dance entails with neurotypicals

Yes... I think this is right. Uncertainty is difficult and destabilising, and thus a risk in itself. 

Is it worth risking that leap into the abyss?

Well, I don't know.