Depressed

I'm an atheist so can't subscribe to the god vendetta theory, but I understand your desire to be in a relationship. I've been in quite a few but always seem to upset the person I'm with eventually because of my 'irregular' ways. Autumn Trees is right, being single can be way more fun, but I have to admit I really miss having company at times. At 23 you have plenty of time to meet someone and it always seems to happen when you least expect it. The harder you try the less likely it seems to materialise. I've been on my own for almost 2 years now and I'm just starting to think about finding someone again. I'm 58 and don't like socialising beyond a few very close friends so it's never going to be easy, but it won't stop me trying. I'd say you're in with a better shout than me. Go for it.

Twitch said:

The harder you try the less likely it seems to materialise

That is because you are more relaxed, more authentic and the other person can see more of the real you.

When we are looking for a partner there is an air of desperation that often accompanies us which is quite unattractive to others I've found.

But what if I'm afraid they won't like the real me?

I have to mask to get through the working day. I will have to do the same to start another relationship. Today at work my mask slipped and I had a mini meltdown while I was in the office with my boss and it was an awkward moment. Luckily he is very understanding. Relationship partners are not always so understanding, as I have found out to my detriment, because they don't just see you 9-5 but when you come home tired, frustrated, and in need of a bit of space. To them you're being a grumpy git when really all you need is a bit of calm.

You have to bear in mind that it's only recently that I realised how much I was masking and why. Now I have a better understanding, and the support of so many people that understand on this forum, I believe I can make my 'avatar' someone a bit more of me and a bit less actor. In fact I think that's already happening. My episodes of meltdown, frustration, and depression are slowly waning and being replaced by a more harmonious, contented feeling. I put that down to a combination of diagnosis, acceptance, and realisation that I'm not alone.

The spikey bits are triggered by a variety of situations but tend to be based on a common theme. Basically when people interrupt my 'flow'. I see things in black and white, and get upset when greys are introduced. I know that sounds ridiculous because life is full of grey areas, but my mind works very quickly to move those greys into either black or white in order to keep some sort of metal momentum going. When people put obstacles in the way of that I lose the plot. In my head I'm calling everyone idiots, and can't understand why they can't see the answers in the same timeframe as me. That's where the mask comes in. I hide my true feelings behind it and put on a fake show of empathy to avoid conflict. When I'm behind the wheel of my car and I don't have to wear the mask all sorts of demons can be unleashed, just because someone in front of me is doing 45mph on a 60mph road for instance. I know it's unproductive, exhausting, depressing and all the other negatives, but suppressing it is so hard for me. Maybe because I've been suppressing inner feelings all day?

My writing is my great escape. I can be who I want in that world. My perfect job would be ghost writer for a celebrity. They can have all the fame, credit, devotion etc. and I'd just take a nice fat cheque for my anonymous work and not have to deal with people beyond those I care about.

You have to bear in mind that it's only recently that I realised how much I was masking and why. Now I have a better understanding, and the support of so many people that understand on this forum, I believe I can make my 'avatar' someone a bit more of me and a bit less actor. In fact I think that's already happening. My episodes of meltdown, frustration, and depression are slowly waning and being replaced by a more harmonious, contented feeling. I put that down to a combination of diagnosis, acceptance, and realisation that I'm not alone.

The spikey bits are triggered by a variety of situations but tend to be based on a common theme. Basically when people interrupt my 'flow'. I see things in black and white, and get upset when greys are introduced. I know that sounds ridiculous because life is full of grey areas, but my mind works very quickly to move those greys into either black or white in order to keep some sort of metal momentum going. When people put obstacles in the way of that I lose the plot. In my head I'm calling everyone idiots, and can't understand why they can't see the answers in the same timeframe as me. That's where the mask comes in. I hide my true feelings behind it and put on a fake show of empathy to avoid conflict. When I'm behind the wheel of my car and I don't have to wear the mask all sorts of demons can be unleashed, just because someone in front of me is doing 45mph on a 60mph road for instance. I know it's unproductive, exhausting, depressing and all the other negatives, but suppressing it is so hard for me. Maybe because I've been suppressing inner feelings all day?

My writing is my great escape. I can be who I want in that world. My perfect job would be ghost writer for a celebrity. They can have all the fame, credit, devotion etc. and I'd just take a nice fat cheque for my anonymous work and not have to deal with people beyond those I care about.