Eye Contact

I find eye contact complex TBH. I don't see point in it but every one "expects" u to do it I don't see why personally but I guess that's just me

I try to look at peoples mouths rather than eyes its still uncomfortable but better than staring in to eyes

If I'm trying, I look at the space next to their head and occasionally force myself to make eye contact. It does make me feel uncomfortable and vulnerable, but I also get that thing of being worried that I'm staring. If I really tried, I could absolutely keep eye contact the whole time but I'm sure I'd seem like a psycho. There's some correct balance that comes naturally to NTs but not at all to me. 

If I'm not trying (say if I was in a room with one of you IRL, or someone else I know wouldn't mind), I just look at the floor or wall. 

I struggle with eye contact. I used to look at people's mouths but now just quickly glance at eyes every now and then but avoid focusing on them as it causes me anxiety.

battybats said:

I look at people's eyebrows and that seems to be close enough for them not to notice the difference.

That's a good idea!

I just wear dark glasses now so they can’t see where my eyes are. If I spend too much time staring at people I would lose focus on the conversation. 

I seem to be in the minority here, as I generally don't have too much of a problem with eye contact. I don't experience the distress that other members here often experience.

The only occasions when eye contact is an issue for me is if I am feeling acutely embarrassed about something, or if my mother is angry and shouting at me. In those scenarios, I will actively avoid making direct eye contact because it causes me to feel acutely uncomfortable.

Ditto.

I don't actually make eye contact very often- I look at people's eyebrows and that seems to be close enough for them not to notice the difference. I don't find eye contact uncomfortable as such, I just can't concentrate on what someone is saying if I do it, though I'm not sure if that's an inherent issue with eye contact for me or just because all my mental energy goes on monitoring my behaviour while I'm doing it.

Anyway, just looking in roughly the right direction seems to be acceptable most of the time so I don't worry too much about making 'proper' eye contact, I think people just want some kind of indication that we're listening.

The real difficulty I found with eye contact, is the timing. Too much, too little, or badly timed eye contact all make neurotypical people uncomfortable. Over the years I have found what most people are comfortable with. I would add that looking someone in the eyes while listening to them is not necessary to indicate that you are listening, providing you nod and or make 'noises of agreement' at appropriate moments.

Same for me

Thank you to everyone for your helpful comments. It is good to know how others manage this.

At least these days knowing about autism gives an understanding of why it is difficult and hopefully as society learns more, NTs will understand more that it doesn't mean we aren't interested.

I was interested in the comment about reading people's faces as mine is fairly blank most of the time, as is my autistic son's.

Showery today, with scattered sunny spells... 

Seriously though - yes, walking away gets me into trouble as well. It's generally that I've seen something interesting... I'm afraid polite conversation is far less compelling..

I have clearly trained myself over decades to make eye contact (late diagnosis) due to societal expectations faced.

When drained of energy I find it harder, so clearly there is a cost to making eye contact.

You are right, I handed my social cub membership back, just don’t need it anymore. One thing I do get berated for is walking away from people while they are talking to me, I often say, “I am listening, “ they just don’t realise my brain is also doing more interesting things. I find the low point of any conversation is when someone wants to discuss the weather, I start wanting to stick my fingers in my eyes! I suppose putting my fingers in my ears would be a better option.

Yes, it does seem frequently to be a measure of trustworthiness in the court of social opinion..

That was quite verbose... sorry!

But yeah. I've found people assume I'm untrustworthy- at least - if I don't make sufficient eye contact...

Seems bonkers to me, but hey, what do I know... not being part of the human social club is a constant mystery..

Yes, I also do this, a second it all I can do - probably not even that long! 

It's not easy...

I’ve had a problem with eye contact since I was a child, I can remember my father telling me off, “people who don’t make eye contact are not trustworthy.” How wrong that was. The usual was teachers, “ look at me when I’m talking to you!” Makes me actually chuckle now, it’s just ignorance.

I do exactly that when I have to speak in English (my second language) by videoconference. Looking at the mouth provides lots of information. It's really true that

I don't understand what is the need to make eye contact. Why do it? Why, as autistic, do we have to force ourselves to do something uncomfortable for us? Why does it need to cause a behavioural change? What is the problem of avoiding eye contact?

I forced eye contact when I was younger because I felt obligated to do it. I just opened my eyes a lot and blocked my visual field (as if I were myopic). I would never go back to forcing eye contact any more. The headache after that is terrible!

Nowadays, the only case in which I force eye contact and know how to do it is when my life is at risk. I live in a dangerous place, so if someone wants to steal from me or harm me, I just put on my best psychopath face and mask as the best actress interpreting a serial killer role. It's like playing a role game. I look into their eyes and start to fight. But I finish exhausted when I do it.

And the exception where I can naturally make eye contact is with people I feel comfortable with, and I like to, but I can't do it all the time. If I enjoy looking at them, I do it. For example, yesterday, I had been speaking with a colleague who lost his wife a month ago due to a heart arrest. I made eye contact while explaining that it was expected to be sad because I wanted to convey my compassion to him, but when he desired to cry, I needed to look aside. He didn't take offence because he knows eye contact is a big challenge for me.

Just look at where you feel comfy.

I realised a few years ago that I have always tended to focus on the mouth, rather than the eyes. I experience auditory processing difficulties, so looking at the mouth provides a visual clue which helps me to try and process what the person is saying.

I find eye contact very uncomfortable but it's hard to explain why.