Worried about my son around ex’s partner

This seems rather unnatural. I have never allowed a boyfriend to have a say in my sons life if he cannot interrogate his own bias. It should be an easy decision to leave these people, so it sounds like there is something going on here. Decision aside, there could be more going on to make it difficult.

Would his mother be open to therapy? It could start with her seeking professional counsel on better understanding his needs and over time one would hope she'd ditch the leech. 

In medical papers, it's being discovered ADHD and Autistic Children have less GABA, the thing which shuts down an over-excited brain or hyper-calculating brain which might accelerate into anxiety. In other words, the difficulty going to sleep is most likely biological. However, this will be frustrated further by toxic relationships and unresolved issues. 

I would speak to an authority on the matter. Maybe start here https://www.relate.org.uk/what-we-do

Agreed. 

Wow scary stuff, I’m sorry you’re going through it, I can suggest that you try to establish a professional witness..:(

He’s got one. Everyone knows his needs. It’s her bloke can’t cope with them sometimes.

Perhaps getting an EHCP, might be useful, even going through the process might be enlightening for everyone..

I would say that having a professional observe your son over time, will be a helpful tool in identifying how your son develops, relative to his new situation.. that way it won’t just be your word vs the others, a speech and language therapist perhaps..

Do whatever you think is best in the best interests of your Son.
My Son's Mother was exactly the the same to the point where She told Him i was Dead as i am clearly not !
When He got older He was so poisioned He would not talk to me.
Do whatever you can to make sure those bridges do not get bearnt. 
If there is a wellfare issue then you have the right to report it.
Tell you what though, if that was My Son, NO Guy would dictate to me.
YOU are His Dad.

Thank you. I was thinking of doing that so that helps.

NAS76914 said:

I’m getting some advice from organisations. I want to undderstand what’s legally acceptable 

We are not allowed to offer legal advice I'm afraid (new board rules) but you are engaging with specialists which seems the right way to go.

My response if I were in your shoes would be to send your ex a letter laying out your concerns and describing what you are aware is happening. Note that if you did witness it then it is not to be taken at face value.

I would be as factual as possible and say I am deeply worried that your son is experiencing an escalating series of verbal abuse and potentially physical abuse (if he is being slapped or pushed). I would ask her to be vigilant when her new partner is around to avoid her (and your) son suffering.

Hopefully this will show your focus is on your sons wellbeing and not on being spiteful to the new partner as this could be on her mind.

This would be how I would approach in for now until the professionals can weigh in with their opinions.

In all seriousness what would you advise? I’m getting some advice from organisations. I want to undderstand what’s legally acceptable 

You need to start being more assertive my Friend and start putting your foot Down.

Thank you. It’s really difficult as I’m worried he’s a ticking time bomb. He’s never been violent but he’s a product of violence and his terminology can be aggressive.

He’s been sticking to her like glue the last two days so been very hard to speak to her.

NAS76914 said:

She almost didn’t tell me is the scary thing.

She is in the tricky situation in defending her new partner while worring that the partner is being abusive.

If you are on good terms still then you could ask her to talk about it as it may help her see a way forward.

If I were in your shoes then I would have the conversation openly and without judgement to try to understand the dynamic there before considering a course of action.

I welcome your thoughts so thank you. 

he had a very bad upbringing and thinks my son needs disciplining if naughty,

My son has very limited comprehension and understands very basic things so what looks like naughty isn’t necessarily.

She almost didn’t tell me is the scary thing.

This is a tough one, but at least your ex is understanding in agreeing to the accommodations in her access.

It sounds like her new partner is a piece of work and may be trying to edge your son out of her life for some reason so it may be worth asking your ex if this is what she sees? The prospect of losing access may be enough to get her to reconsider tha partnership.

I would also weigh up giving an ultimatum that if he verbally abuses your disabled son again that you will report him for child abuse - that should make him think even if thew chances of effective prosecution are slim.

You did ask for thought so these are mine.