Worried about my son around ex’s partner

My son is five and has limited understanding and is non verbal. He lives with me as I’m more consistent around routine etc than his mum. He needs a very strong routine and her having other kids makes that harder for him so we decided I could give him more time and attention.

Originally he would stay overnight for two or one nights at the weekend. He would have the odd mild panic attack but it was working.

Her bloke moved in last year and shouted in my sons face as he wouldn’t go to sleep until about 11. Sometimes he just can’t switch off and his understanding is very limited so shouting at him only distresses him. You need to be firm but keep your cool.

This lead to my ex and I agreeing overnights can’t happen anymore. Which we’ve now done for about ten months. For context the guy doesn’t work so it’s not like he’s had a long week as an excuse. From what she says he lost his cool a few times before but not as bad.

Now she said her bloke wanted a dog. My boy doesn’t see animals as real things. They just don’t register on his radar. I said it was a bad idea as he wasn’t ready for one. Unbeknownst to me she got one anyway (yes her choice).

My boy doesn’t like it pawing him (he’s none verbal and had very limited understanding). Got frustrated and threw the iPad up in the air (so not at the dog) and it landed on the dog.

Ex’s partner went ballistic at him to the point he started crying. I’ve never seen him cry from being shouted at.

My ex now says she’ll have to always be in the room with my boy.

Surely this isn’t healthy for him and at some point I’m worried the guy will flip too far.

Thoughts?

Parents

JuniperFromGallifrey over 1 year ago

This seems rather unnatural. I have never allowed a boyfriend to have a say in my sons life if he cannot interrogate his own bias. It should be an easy decision to leave these people, so it sounds like there is something going on here. Decision aside, there could be more going on to make it difficult.

Would his mother be open to therapy? It could start with her seeking professional counsel on better understanding his needs and over time one would hope she'd ditch the leech.

In medical papers, it's being discovered ADHD and Autistic Children have less GABA, the thing which shuts down an over-excited brain or hyper-calculating brain which might accelerate into anxiety. In other words, the difficulty going to sleep is most likely biological. However, this will be frustrated further by toxic relationships and unresolved issues.

I would speak to an authority on the matter. Maybe start here https://www.relate.org.uk/what-we-do
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JuniperFromGallifrey over 1 year ago

This seems rather unnatural. I have never allowed a boyfriend to have a say in my sons life if he cannot interrogate his own bias. It should be an easy decision to leave these people, so it sounds like there is something going on here. Decision aside, there could be more going on to make it difficult.

Would his mother be open to therapy? It could start with her seeking professional counsel on better understanding his needs and over time one would hope she'd ditch the leech.

In medical papers, it's being discovered ADHD and Autistic Children have less GABA, the thing which shuts down an over-excited brain or hyper-calculating brain which might accelerate into anxiety. In other words, the difficulty going to sleep is most likely biological. However, this will be frustrated further by toxic relationships and unresolved issues.

I would speak to an authority on the matter. Maybe start here https://www.relate.org.uk/what-we-do
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