ASD Husband failing at marraige

I totally agree, my wife is a Distinct Nurse, she only said yesterday that she now  sees patients who are autistic in a different way and is able to care care for them better.  A lot of that is because I’ve let her into my world. She said that her 3 years of training covered autism one morning in under 15 minutes.  Two years ago as a couple, our knowledge of autism was Rain Man, we learn from each other. The nice side of the coin is that she goes to a woman’s group every week, she told me quite blatantly that she needs to do this for her own mental health and obviously doesn’t need my blessing, it’s really good for her.  Life is often learning what each others needs are. I can’t always hug her but we often Sense each others thoughts.

One thing we should be aware of in relationships is that both sides need to put in the effort and make changes for it to work.

It should never be about your partner just accepting your autism and that' that - you need to work with your knowledge to find ways to improve the behaviour that is causing issues as much as they need to be more accepting that you are not just making excuses and being lazy (or whatever it is).

Being authentic is vital, but more than that is communicating to them about the stuff you stay silent about or mask / lie over. If they feel you are being open, vulnerable and honest with them then this builds back up the trust you once had.

It isn't easy but since your partner is being expected to make accommodations and changes then we need to be prepared for the same.

To be honest I see a lot of similarities in your relationship with my own life , my children are now adults, when they were young my wife did most of the parenting. Arguing was quite common, I had all these feelings and thoughts but couldn’t convey them. We had loads of “ radio silence.” I’m in my 50’s and only recognised autism about 18 months ago. What I do now is let my wife into my world and try to tell her what’s bothering me in a given situation, often this is only in small increments. My wife has often thought about leaving me but with me actually opening up we now have a very good relationship, yes she still gets angry with my weird actions, especially when l have to engage with other people. I only unmask with my wife, she deserves the real me and it seems to work. It’s about trust at the end.

NAS87981 said:

Any advice?

You may not like this, but you are both so entrenched in your situations that you are going to need a third party specialist to help out.

Find a couples therapist who has experience with ND/NT relationships and tell your wife that you do really want things to work but you don't know how to and you would like to get couples counselling together to try to find a way to bring you closer together.

I had a similar issue post diagnosis and it took quite a lot of sessions and hard work from both sides to work out the best way forward.

Please take time to try to discuss what you want to do (ie reconnect and make life better for both of you) and ask her to join you in this. Tell her the counseller will be neither yours of hers, but for both.

If she sees that you are genuine in this then I think it is your best chance to reach agreement.

Financially is costs about £50/hour and expect at least 10 hours or as many more as you need to work through whichever issues you have. The sessions are done by Zoom typically so you may need to arrange for the kitds to be out when you have your sessions.

I can personally recommend one counseller who I know has skills in the area as I've used her and know she has several autists in her family plus has a deep knowledge of the subject and who is compassionate.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/counselling/jayne-batten-truro-eng/861869

Good luck and keep fighting for the relationship for as long as you have hope.

NAS87981 said:

But my wife has always thought different and that there might be something else which behind closed doors has caused countless arguments

Can explain what you mean by that? I'm not being facetious. I've been on the receiving end of being told all the problems in the marriage were because of me. Any relationship is the responsibility of both parties. Autism is framed as a problem because the majority of people are not autistic. Autism is seen as a deficit, a lack, a problem. Neurotypical people do not view themselves as a problem for autistic people because they are the majority. What you are is not the problem. We are a minority that does not have our needs catered for. If your wife wants to make your relationship work then she needs to acknowledge your neurology and you both need to find a workable solution for your family that caters to your children's needs because that is the ultimate goal as parents. 

If it works, then wherever it comes from is of benefit. Thanks again... just trying to make myself a strategic plan for comms with my wife so that she knows what I'm/we're working towards. I am useless at relationships, always have been, but hopefully now that I have an ASD diagnosis, I can start to understand why and hopefully make life a little better for me and her.

tbh, i'm so bad at relationships that i have been trying to learn all the little things that can help before i delve in again.  picked that one up from Jordan Peterson.

To be honest, it is tough... bloody tough for us both. I have booked in time for specific things like finance chats etc (she hates it as it's too formal and too work like... not like a relationship should be), but for me it works.
We don't sit down enough and discuss concerns/recap so that's a great idea., and starting small is key. I've too bad a track record of trying to fix everything all at once (I'm already stretched thin with work, partenting, running, govenorship, mentorship, DIY etc)... why do one thing when you can do them all.
But thank you for the suggestion, honestly... makes a lot of sense! :-)

feeling like you need to walk on eggshells is tough.  have you tried agreeing to have a specific time each week to sit down and discuss any concerns?  try to identify a problem and agree a plan to fix it?  start small and try to build a pattern of success.