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ASD Husband failing at marraige

NAS87981

I'm a newly diagnosed ASD chap who's always been classed as being "quirky". But my wife has always thought different and that there might be something else which behind closed doors has caused countless arguments, upsets and massive lows on both our sides (me to the point of ending it, and her to the point of wanting to walk out).

Somehow along the way we've managed to create 2 amazing children, but all that's done is add way more stress. My inability to commicate at an emotional level, lack of apparant empthy and support, and absolutely shocking planning skills has killed my relationship whereby I'm told regulary that were it not for the children, she would have walked, and is counting down the days until she can leave.

I've had coaching but nothing sticks, and I am so anxious around her as I don't want to upset her, which then compounds every other issue I have.

Does anyone else have an experience like this, how has it panned out? Any advice?

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  • NAS87981 said:
    Any advice?

    You may not like this, but you are both so entrenched in your situations that you are going to need a third party specialist to help out.

    Find a couples therapist who has experience with ND/NT relationships and tell your wife that you do really want things to work but you don't know how to and you would like to get couples counselling together to try to find a way to bring you closer together.

    I had a similar issue post diagnosis and it took quite a lot of sessions and hard work from both sides to work out the best way forward.

    Please take time to try to discuss what you want to do (ie reconnect and make life better for both of you) and ask her to join you in this. Tell her the counseller will be neither yours of hers, but for both.

    If she sees that you are genuine in this then I think it is your best chance to reach agreement.

    Financially is costs about £50/hour and expect at least 10 hours or as many more as you need to work through whichever issues you have. The sessions are done by Zoom typically so you may need to arrange for the kitds to be out when you have your sessions.

    I can personally recommend one counseller who I know has skills in the area as I've used her and know she has several autists in her family plus has a deep knowledge of the subject and who is compassionate.

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/counselling/jayne-batten-truro-eng/861869

    Good luck and keep fighting for the relationship for as long as you have hope.

Reply
  • NAS87981 said:
    Any advice?

    You may not like this, but you are both so entrenched in your situations that you are going to need a third party specialist to help out.

    Find a couples therapist who has experience with ND/NT relationships and tell your wife that you do really want things to work but you don't know how to and you would like to get couples counselling together to try to find a way to bring you closer together.

    I had a similar issue post diagnosis and it took quite a lot of sessions and hard work from both sides to work out the best way forward.

    Please take time to try to discuss what you want to do (ie reconnect and make life better for both of you) and ask her to join you in this. Tell her the counseller will be neither yours of hers, but for both.

    If she sees that you are genuine in this then I think it is your best chance to reach agreement.

    Financially is costs about £50/hour and expect at least 10 hours or as many more as you need to work through whichever issues you have. The sessions are done by Zoom typically so you may need to arrange for the kitds to be out when you have your sessions.

    I can personally recommend one counseller who I know has skills in the area as I've used her and know she has several autists in her family plus has a deep knowledge of the subject and who is compassionate.

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/counselling/jayne-batten-truro-eng/861869

    Good luck and keep fighting for the relationship for as long as you have hope.

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