Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm a newly diagnosed ASD chap who's always been classed as being "quirky". But my wife has always thought different and that there might be something else which behind closed doors has caused countless arguments, upsets and massive lows on both our sides (me to the point of ending it, and her to the point of wanting to walk out).
Somehow along the way we've managed to create 2 amazing children, but all that's done is add way more stress. My inability to commicate at an emotional level, lack of apparant empthy and support, and absolutely shocking planning skills has killed my relationship whereby I'm told regulary that were it not for the children, she would have walked, and is counting down the days until she can leave.
I've had coaching but nothing sticks, and I am so anxious around her as I don't want to upset her, which then compounds every other issue I have.
Does anyone else have an experience like this, how has it panned out? Any advice?
To be honest I see a lot of similarities in your relationship with my own life , my children are now adults, when they were young my wife did most of the parenting. Arguing was quite common, I had all these feelings and thoughts but couldn’t convey them. We had loads of “ radio silence.” I’m in my 50’s and only recognised autism about 18 months ago. What I do now is let my wife into my world and try to tell her what’s bothering me in a given situation, often this is only in small increments. My wife has often thought about leaving me but with me actually opening up we now have a very good relationship, yes she still gets angry with my weird actions, especially when l have to engage with other people. I only unmask with my wife, she deserves the real me and it seems to work. It’s about trust at the end.
One thing we should be aware of in relationships is that both sides need to put in the effort and make changes for it to work.
It should never be about your partner just accepting your autism and that' that - you need to work with your knowledge to find ways to improve the behaviour that is causing issues as much as they need to be more accepting that you are not just making excuses and being lazy (or whatever it is).
Being authentic is vital, but more than that is communicating to them about the stuff you stay silent about or mask / lie over. If they feel you are being open, vulnerable and honest with them then this builds back up the trust you once had.
It isn't easy but since your partner is being expected to make accommodations and changes then we need to be prepared for the same.
I totally agree, my wife is a Distinct Nurse, she only said yesterday that she now sees patients who are autistic in a different way and is able to care care for them better. A lot of that is because I’ve let her into my world. She said that her 3 years of training covered autism one morning in under 15 minutes. Two years ago as a couple, our knowledge of autism was Rain Man, we learn from each other. The nice side of the coin is that she goes to a woman’s group every week, she told me quite blatantly that she needs to do this for her own mental health and obviously doesn’t need my blessing, it’s really good for her. Life is often learning what each others needs are. I can’t always hug her but we often Sense each others thoughts.