Cutting People Out

Hang tough buddy, ASD is an awkward condition.

...maybe even, the place where NT & ND relationships miss each other

Its a cycle of misunderstanding I think, on both sides

That experience of having people deminish your emotions is familiar too. I think it comes from a genuine place where people try to deflect, or offer some sort of remedy, but I always just feel like they've neglected to listen to what I'm actually saying and it always feels like no one is trying to understand what I'm about

This is pattern of behaviour that I have repeated throughout my life. I still do it now. 

We speak, every now and again, but I don't feel like he is interested. I mean he does the whole 'how ya doing...' Smalltalk. But only because he wants to tell me about himself of what he's done recently, he doesn't actually have any interest in me. This has been observed over years of dialogue. A lifetime actually

I understand freedom of choice. I just don't understand exchanging his family for his in-laws who all live out there. He now lives in Bali where only his mother in law lives. So he's pretty much just living between a cafe and a beach. Not hard to see why. I've been there twice. But we are quite different in many ways. Even though I surf, I hate the actual travelling part of getting there.

I'm sore because I now see and have to deal with my poor mother. She's basically been through a bereavement over the past 6 years. Lost her eldest son, except he isn't dead, just nowhere to be seen. A very strange parallel

It’s something I’ve always done, I’m not mean I just can’t navigate friendships or even family members. The odd time I try to explain what I’m feeling I seem to get told that I’m wrong or there’s another reason why I’m struggling. Friendship take too much maintenance and sometimes people want more than I can give. It’s very much that if I don’t see someone then I don’t think of them or miss them. When in shutdown I won’t communicate with anyone.

Yes i noticed this

JT said:

I'm sore because I can't understand how somebody can do that. I would never cut my folks out like that after all they did bringing us up.

That can be one of the hardest things about dealing with other people - they don't all think or feel the way we do.

It may be your brother thought that giving his family (wife and kids?) a better life in a sunnier place was more important than being stuck in broke, rainy Britain. This may be more importand than the prospect of looking after his parents to watch them age and die (this is only hypothetical to illustrate the power of reasoning on choice).

JT said:

Since then I haven't tried to communicate it again, I just try not to speak to him. I find that mindset totally selfish.

So you can be selfish by not speaking to him as punishement? Not a dig at you but I wanted to ask if you had considered it. I don't imagine it makes your parents happy that you chose to create this wedge between you and your brother either, so maybe there is room here for reconsidering the value judgement.

The only way to "solve" it would be to open dialogue and try to make the best of the relationship. Take out the judgement part of the reason for it starting and accept that you brother has different values to you.

If you can do this and build up a better family dynamic then I think everyone involved will feel a lot better.

Only my opinion of course, but I believe that was what you asked for.

I've realised now it's likely that that some people are looking for an excuse anyway. But yes the ones who see past matters or accept them are worth the effort!

Thats me to a T.
You have the thoughts and feelings but you can't express them ?

JT said:

But I'm aware that response is detrimental to relationships

Yes....for most people, it's not worth the bother and confusion of dealing with autistic brains.  However, some folk seem able and willing to see past / see things for what they are = my definition of a friend.

This happens to me. I've cut everyone out. I'm a bad judge of character though, always meet people who use me. I'm just recovering from a relationship in which my ex was horrible to me and started stalking and harassing me.

That's great to hear. I'm sure they would be, but I think many wouldn't believe it and think I'm following some sort of trend in neurodiversity atm because it's talked about a lot more. People don't know what I've been through because I'veanaged to mask do well for so long

There's so much prejudice in the world. I'm lucky in most people I've met are understanding but a lot of people aren't sadly.

I hope you can find good people who will understand. I have three people who understand and are supportive.

That is good. Only my brother and partner know of my diagnosis, so many I have left behind won't understand.

Trying to live more authentically (unmasking to myself slowly) before I can to others.

I just don't trust people's prejudices yet, too much ignorance to what neurodiversity means still for me to be comfortable identifying as autistic

JT said:

But I don't know how to resolve it. So I avoid it entirely. But I'm aware that response is detrimental to relationships

I've found the same. I only have a very small group of contacts but I've cut them out as well when things get bad, I'm just lucky that they understand and still like me after.

Glad I'm not alone in it.

I've been trying to figure out why, and I think, now I understand more about myself and ADD+autism post-diagnosis, realise that I try to predict outcomes (scripting) but you can't predict the outcome of others. So if there is anything I am uncomfortable with in a relationship, even the smallest thing, that I can't remove or resolve through adapting my mindset then I seem to go mute.

It's happened since I was a kid, but is happening again now. My brother lives the other side of the world. He left 4+ years ago and had two kids there. I've been left 'holding the parents' who are aging.

I'm sore because I can't understand how somebody can do that. I would never cut my folks out like that after all they did bringing us up.

I asked him about that before and he said 'ah no, they are happy for me. That I'm travelling and living my life'.

Since then I haven't tried to communicate it again, I just try not to speak to him. I find that mindset totally selfish. He also hasn't considered how it effects me and my small family too.

But I don't know how to resolve it. So I avoid it entirely. But I'm aware that response is detrimental to relationships

Yes 

Yes.  My world of contacts and associations became whittled right back to the bone .... sometimes I was cast aside, sometimes I let things disrespectfully lapse (not intentionally trying to be disrespectful, but failing to respond is inevitably going to be seen that way I think.)

I now have a much smaller (and tighter) circle.