Published on 12, July, 2020
Have any of you noticed that, when things aren't going as you like or you don't know how to communicate certain things with friends or family, that over time you cut them out?
Glad I'm not alone in it.
I've been trying to figure out why, and I think, now I understand more about myself and ADD+autism post-diagnosis, realise that I try to predict outcomes (scripting) but you can't predict the outcome of others. So if there is anything I am uncomfortable with in a relationship, even the smallest thing, that I can't remove or resolve through adapting my mindset then I seem to go mute.
It's happened since I was a kid, but is happening again now. My brother lives the other side of the world. He left 4+ years ago and had two kids there. I've been left 'holding the parents' who are aging.
I'm sore because I can't understand how somebody can do that. I would never cut my folks out like that after all they did bringing us up.
I asked him about that before and he said 'ah no, they are happy for me. That I'm travelling and living my life'.
Since then I haven't tried to communicate it again, I just try not to speak to him. I find that mindset totally selfish. He also hasn't considered how it effects me and my small family too.
But I don't know how to resolve it. So I avoid it entirely. But I'm aware that response is detrimental to relationships
JT said:I'm sore because I can't understand how somebody can do that. I would never cut my folks out like that after all they did bringing us up.
That can be one of the hardest things about dealing with other people - they don't all think or feel the way we do.
It may be your brother thought that giving his family (wife and kids?) a better life in a sunnier place was more important than being stuck in broke, rainy Britain. This may be more importand than the prospect of looking after his parents to watch them age and die (this is only hypothetical to illustrate the power of reasoning on choice).
JT said:Since then I haven't tried to communicate it again, I just try not to speak to him. I find that mindset totally selfish.
So you can be selfish by not speaking to him as punishement? Not a dig at you but I wanted to ask if you had considered it. I don't imagine it makes your parents happy that you chose to create this wedge between you and your brother either, so maybe there is room here for reconsidering the value judgement.
The only way to "solve" it would be to open dialogue and try to make the best of the relationship. Take out the judgement part of the reason for it starting and accept that you brother has different values to you.
If you can do this and build up a better family dynamic then I think everyone involved will feel a lot better.
Only my opinion of course, but I believe that was what you asked for.
We speak, every now and again, but I don't feel like he is interested. I mean he does the whole 'how ya doing...' Smalltalk. But only because he wants to tell me about himself of what he's done recently, he doesn't actually have any interest in me. This has been observed over years of dialogue. A lifetime actually
I understand freedom of choice. I just don't understand exchanging his family for his in-laws who all live out there. He now lives in Bali where only his mother in law lives. So he's pretty much just living between a cafe and a beach. Not hard to see why. I've been there twice. But we are quite different in many ways. Even though I surf, I hate the actual travelling part of getting there.
I'm sore because I now see and have to deal with my poor mother. She's basically been through a bereavement over the past 6 years. Lost her eldest son, except he isn't dead, just nowhere to be seen. A very strange parallel