Advice for people with autistic partners

It's great that you want to support your partner!

Just remember a few things too:

• Autistic people are people, and people are all different so reading online about how to have a relationship with a neurodivergent partner is never going to be as helpful as discussing a person's needs with them directly.
• People can be autistic and unkind as well! Being autistic isn't an excuse to be intentionally mean to someone or to disregard their feelings.
• People aren't mind readers - this is hands down the biggest problem I had at the start of my relationship. My partner or myself would misinterpret what the other would say and one of us would be upset and magically expect the other person to know that. It is so helpful to just calmly tell the other person "Hey, that was a little mean" or "that hurts my feelings because..." and then it is up to the other person to respectfully listen and consider your perspective. Most of the time I found it was a misunderstanding rather than an intentional slight, but it allows you both to learn how to be considerate of each other's feelings because we all know that what bothers one person won't bother another.
• You should still be able to calmly and respectfully express your feelings even if it upsets the other person. If you can't do that calmly that's something for you to work on, if your partner can't hear your feelings without getting upset then that's for them to work on. I had to work on being non-hostile to my partner when discussing my feelings because I was used to being shouted over and blamed as a child, so I was very defensive, my partner had to work on telling me he needed time to digest something and get back to me as he would shut down or freeze in response to even calm confrontation.
• If you are worried your partner will leave you if you express yourself then you need to work on that too because that will lead to co-dependency and probably resentment in the long run. It can be helpful to examine why you feel that way about it. Remember that if someone leaves a relationship because you expressed yourself (in a reasonable way) then that is about them and not about you. This is something we all have to deal with and it can be very scary! 

Relationships between people are difficult and take time but if you both respect each other then it will be happy and healthy for both of you :) 

NAS87458 said:

I never say anything as I’m worried they’ll shut down or worse leave me. 

That’s possibly the worst possible approach to take. I shouldn’t be judgemental if I were you especially as by your own acknowledgement they didn’t intend to hurt your feelings. Also don’t immediately dump a load of demands on them to mind read what will and won’t offend you. However if you don’t give them feedback about the things that do upset you then they will never improve in terms of treating you more sensitively. And while it’s true that they will probably never be as sensitive as a non-autistic person there probably is scope for improvement if you voice your concerns in a nonjudgemental way.

Being the 'perfect partner' of anyone is an unattainable goal, so do not put pressure on yourself to try to achieve this. Any relationship should be a 'two way street', and your partner, autistic or not, is as responsible for making your relationship work as you are; so do not take all of the burden on yourself. Autistic people tend to be very loyal partners, if this helps to relieve your worries about being abandoned. I am autistic, and have been married for 26 years to my, neurotypical, wife. I think that the main piece of advice when dealing with an autistic person in any situation is to try to communicate in a clear and direct manner. Do not expect your partner to pick up on how you are feeling, if they have offended you or worried you by their actions. They are very unlikely to do so intuitively from your expression, hints, or anything at all subtle. You need to tell them directly. If you are hurt by an insensitive remark, just tell them, and describe exactly how and why their remark (or action) has been hurtful.

engaging the Mandalorian mode

This is the way

I'm going to sound really cliche but my marriage has survived through 3 things, regular touch-base communication, clear and concise communication, and if things ever got massively misconstrued not sitting and dwelling on it, but having it out calmly with a conference of two type communication, we call them "team meetings" lol.

Luftmentsch said:

This seems unusual to me as autistic people usually do say what they mean.

The problem us autists tend to have is that we use scripting to try to give the answers that we think the partners want to hear - for example using a joke to defuse a difficult discussion thinking that a laugh will make it less difficult, not realising that the unspoken social rules around whatever the joke was about will blow up in their face.

I've been through that problem a lot in my life and in fact still do it from time to time.

I would consider reading:

Maxine Aston - The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome (2013 ISBN 9781849054980 )

and/or

Cindy N. Ariel - Loving Someone with Asperger’s Syndrome (2012 ISBN 9781608820771 )

These should give a broader understanding and some points for consideration.

We are all different with different traits and degrees of the traits we do have, so you will have some trial and error here, but clear communication and assuming nothing without clear instruction is the way forward in my opinion.

If you have specific questions then please ask away and we can help as best we can.

This seems unusual to me as autistic people usually do say what they mean. If they're joking, they could be struggling to realise how much it hurts you and they won't intuit it without you saying anything. Would it be possible to speak to them about it?