Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello!
im new and I just want some advice. As much as you can give me. My partner has autism (still awaiting diagnosis- we’ve gonna have to save up for it private) and I just always feel like I’m not doing things right. I’ve spent hours researching and googling on how to be the best partner but I still feel like I get it wrong.
I know that they don’t always mean what they say to me but sometimes their joke can be really hurtful and I never say anything as I’m worried they’ll shut down or worse leave me.
I love my partner dearly and I just want to be the best partner I can be for them!
Thanks in advance!
This seems unusual to me as autistic people usually do say what they mean. If they're joking, they could be struggling to realise how much it hurts you and they won't intuit it without you saying anything. Would it be possible to speak to them about it?
Luftmentsch said:This seems unusual to me as autistic people usually do say what they mean.
The problem us autists tend to have is that we use scripting to try to give the answers that we think the partners want to hear - for example using a joke to defuse a difficult discussion thinking that a laugh will make it less difficult, not realising that the unspoken social rules around whatever the joke was about will blow up in their face.
I've been through that problem a lot in my life and in fact still do it from time to time.
I would consider reading:
Maxine Aston - The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome (2013 ISBN 9781849054980 )
and/or
Cindy N. Ariel - Loving Someone with Asperger’s Syndrome (2012 ISBN 9781608820771 )
These should give a broader understanding and some points for consideration.
We are all different with different traits and degrees of the traits we do have, so you will have some trial and error here, but clear communication and assuming nothing without clear instruction is the way forward in my opinion.
If you have specific questions then please ask away and we can help as best we can.