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Advice for people with autistic partners

NAS87458
over 1 year ago

Hello!

im new and I just want some advice. As much as you can give me. 
My partner has autism (still awaiting diagnosis- we’ve gonna have to save up for it private) and I just always feel like I’m not doing things right. I’ve spent hours researching and googling on how to be the best partner but I still feel like I get it wrong. 

I know that they don’t always mean what they say to me but sometimes their joke can be really hurtful and I never say anything as I’m worried they’ll shut down or worse leave me. 

I love my partner dearly and I just want to be the best partner I can be for them! 

Thanks in advance!

Parents
  • over 1 year ago

    It's great that you want to support your partner!

    Just remember a few things too:

    • Autistic people are people, and people are all different so reading online about how to have a relationship with a neurodivergent partner is never going to be as helpful as discussing a person's needs with them directly.
    • People can be autistic and unkind as well! Being autistic isn't an excuse to be intentionally mean to someone or to disregard their feelings.
    • People aren't mind readers - this is hands down the biggest problem I had at the start of my relationship. My partner or myself would misinterpret what the other would say and one of us would be upset and magically expect the other person to know that. It is so helpful to just calmly tell the other person "Hey, that was a little mean" or "that hurts my feelings because..." and then it is up to the other person to respectfully listen and consider your perspective. Most of the time I found it was a misunderstanding rather than an intentional slight, but it allows you both to learn how to be considerate of each other's feelings because we all know that what bothers one person won't bother another.
    • You should still be able to calmly and respectfully express your feelings even if it upsets the other person. If you can't do that calmly that's something for you to work on, if your partner can't hear your feelings without getting upset then that's for them to work on. I had to work on being non-hostile to my partner when discussing my feelings because I was used to being shouted over and blamed as a child, so I was very defensive, my partner had to work on telling me he needed time to digest something and get back to me as he would shut down or freeze in response to even calm confrontation.
    • If you are worried your partner will leave you if you express yourself then you need to work on that too because that will lead to co-dependency and probably resentment in the long run. It can be helpful to examine why you feel that way about it. Remember that if someone leaves a relationship because you expressed yourself (in a reasonable way) then that is about them and not about you. This is something we all have to deal with and it can be very scary! 

    Relationships between people are difficult and take time but if you both respect each other then it will be happy and healthy for both of you :) 

Reply
  • over 1 year ago

    It's great that you want to support your partner!

    Just remember a few things too:

    • Autistic people are people, and people are all different so reading online about how to have a relationship with a neurodivergent partner is never going to be as helpful as discussing a person's needs with them directly.
    • People can be autistic and unkind as well! Being autistic isn't an excuse to be intentionally mean to someone or to disregard their feelings.
    • People aren't mind readers - this is hands down the biggest problem I had at the start of my relationship. My partner or myself would misinterpret what the other would say and one of us would be upset and magically expect the other person to know that. It is so helpful to just calmly tell the other person "Hey, that was a little mean" or "that hurts my feelings because..." and then it is up to the other person to respectfully listen and consider your perspective. Most of the time I found it was a misunderstanding rather than an intentional slight, but it allows you both to learn how to be considerate of each other's feelings because we all know that what bothers one person won't bother another.
    • You should still be able to calmly and respectfully express your feelings even if it upsets the other person. If you can't do that calmly that's something for you to work on, if your partner can't hear your feelings without getting upset then that's for them to work on. I had to work on being non-hostile to my partner when discussing my feelings because I was used to being shouted over and blamed as a child, so I was very defensive, my partner had to work on telling me he needed time to digest something and get back to me as he would shut down or freeze in response to even calm confrontation.
    • If you are worried your partner will leave you if you express yourself then you need to work on that too because that will lead to co-dependency and probably resentment in the long run. It can be helpful to examine why you feel that way about it. Remember that if someone leaves a relationship because you expressed yourself (in a reasonable way) then that is about them and not about you. This is something we all have to deal with and it can be very scary! 

    Relationships between people are difficult and take time but if you both respect each other then it will be happy and healthy for both of you :) 

Children
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