Alexithymia

I know that I have a hard time figuring hunger and thirst. I realise them when things get very bad. I guess childhood trauma played ots role in disconnecting ne from my body.. all together made me so unaware of what I'm sensing. Also includes awareness of feeling cold or overheated even though I'm very sensitive to temperatures, it still takes me time before it comes to my awareness that I'm not comfortable with the temperature that I'm experiencing. Thank you for the recourses!! I'll check them 

I totally relate to it.

1) I feel so intensely so words never seem to express my exact emotion.

2) I also get confused overthinking is this how I feel? or is it how I think I feel? (Does anyone wonder that?)

3) Then there is when I know how I feel I just have difficulty explaining or expressing it.

Metaphors are very useful to describe emotions as I think they help distance yourself from the feelings. Do you think this is why you use metaphors? Do they help you?

When I am feeling an emotion intensely either positive or negative, it feels quite natural and really helps to speak about myself in third person. It really helps me think more clearly and help myself like I would someone else. I also do this when I am very intensely happy, it feels really good. 

I have pretty much zero emotions, I only think in practical terms. When my parents died in the last few years my real issues were with all the stuf I had to do and how that destroyed me with anxiety. My parents were old and it was their time, it was the fact I had to organise everything and it took up masses of my time that stressed me out. II was acutally relieved when my mum passed as she was not in a good place and it was taking of most of my weekends. I am good to have around in a crisis as I just look at the practical stuff.

I have poor awareness of the feelings in my body (working on it in therapy).

So you struggle with interoception ? Interoception is one of your sensory systems and describes the ability to detect and respond to the internal state of your body including emotions, pain, hunger, thirst and the need for the toilet.

I hope therapy helps you with this.

These links below may help you find ways to improve interoception and thus express your emotions:

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/interoception-wellbeing#:~:text=Internal%20supports%20and%20activities%20improve,for%20at%20least%208%20weeks.

Videos about interoception:

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLXTC2Uqaw5-0lh46oXp0BWIHQOXDdL1vU

I know that I'm incredibly sensitive tho, I notice feelings changing in response to the slightest stimulation from inside or outside of me. I

So am I, I definitely understand what you mean. I take in everything around me even without meaning to. I sometimes describe myself as a human sponge because I am hyper empathetic and take on other people’s emotions too.

I usually know if the feeling is positive or negative and to what degree that is. I can't figure the name of it and can't express it. I have poor awareness of the feelings in my body (working on it in therapy). I know that I'm incredibly sensitive tho, I notice feelings changing in response to the slightest stimulation from inside or outside of me. I also don't know how to help myself to feel better when I'm feeling negative. I think for me it's a bit more than just not knowing how to say it although it's part of it

Autistic emotions are way too complex to neatly categorise!

Thanks for the compliment!

It does. It really does.

I feel jealous of other autistic people who say that they experience positive emotions in an intense way, because I don't either. I do experience the negative ones in an intense way, however, which kinda sucks! 

I think a lot of my masking is subconscious as well, and sometimes I don't even realise the things I'm doing to try to hide things. I'm not sure what my 'authentic self' would look like either, or how to find her. I'm definitely still learning as well. I think the double empathy problem definitely plays a part, but I even find difficulties with other autistic people and communication sometimes (e.g. between me and my girlfriend). I love Kieran, he's fab and really lovely as well (we've done some stuff with him at work and is really nice when I've spoken to him). I don't know if I think that I process 42% more than NTs, but I can imagine that many autistic people might do. 

I hope you're on commission!

Yes, I definitely need more processing time.

Regarding the language used, I've always had a tendency to waffle a bit or try to find something very specific. That's not always possible for emotions because, as you say, it's never just one feeling at a time. So half the time I just give up and go "I'm tired" or "I'm grumpy"!

Makes sense to a degree, though I often also don't know what I'm feeling. 

I sometimes describe the feeling I get before a meltdown using a metaphor - in fact, I think I often try to describe things in metaphors, me and my therapist have had a few! 

Cool, it’s good that you can resonate with the description. Do you just mean you need more processing time?

battybats said:

I have to choose the closest word that seems relatively 'normal'.

What do you mean by this? Do you mean choose a word that non autistic people will understand? No one ever feels one emotion at a time.

Ausomely Autistic said:

What if it’s not that I don’t know what I’m feeling, it’s that I don’t know how to tell you. What if I feel it in such an extreme, primal and indescribable way that spoken language fails to encompass it?

This is how I feel, but... I don't think I have alexithymia  I can describe my emotions, it just takes me a long time because I have to choose the closest word that seems relatively 'normal'.

out_of_step said:

I think it comes down to the double empathy problem really. I like kieran rose, his video on burnout was really useful.

Yes exactly! Kieran Rose is brilliant!

out_of_step said:

Where did you hear about the 42%, can you post a reference? I had read something similar last year but thought it didn't seem proven. It kind of feels like it could be right but I always like to know more!

I can’t remember the original source but it is a well known and referenced fact now.
I will post a link to the resource/website:

This is not the original source of the information/study but it is a brilliant blog by Kieran Rose:

https://theautisticadvocate.com/2017/11/the-inside-of-autism-you-should-see-the-world-inside-my-head/

I don't relate to that at all. I really don't know what I feel a lot of the time. I don't think I feel emotions intensely at all, except for a few negative ones: anxiety, loneliness, maybe depression and maybe not even those much of the time -- even though I struggled with depression for years when burnt out, most of the time I felt numb rather than intensely depressed and I've never had a general anxiety diagnosis although I do have (self-diagnosed) social anxiety. On my wedding a month ago I burst into tears of joy and couldn't stop crying, but that was a very rare exception. Tbh, I feel awkward when people talk about feeling things intensely being one of the best things about being autistic, as I really don't experience that.

I also don't think that trying to understand something scientifically is pathologising it in some kind of negative sense, but I guess that's another topic.

I agree with the fawning and people pleasing to some extent but I think (for me anyway), a lot of masking is subconscious. So it isn't always that I intentionally want to please, but that I'm "going along" with things because I don't know any different..... everyone else seems to manage ok.

Ausomely Autistic said:

we can’t be our authentic autistic selves in the majority of our environments that we can no longer trust or recognise our own emotions.

I agree with that however, up until recently, I wouldn't have known how to be my "authentic self"  and I'm not sure I still do in some situations. It's still a learning curve.

Similarly with "gas lighting", I'm not sure the other person intentionally goes out of their way to do this in my experience. The therapists I've had have mostly had the best of intentions. I think it comes down to the double empathy problem really. I like kieran rose, his video on burnout was really useful.

Where did you hear about the 42%, can you post a reference? I had read something similar last year but thought it didn't seem proven. It kind of feels like it could be right but I always like to know more!

Hello.

Thanks very much for your in depth reply! I completely agree with all your points.

out_of_step said:

I think masking plays a huge part especially for diagnosed adults.  We have spent a long time putting our own emotions to one side at the expense of everyone around us.

Yes exactly, this is often called fawning or people pleasing. It’s a known threat response. It’s no wonder that if we can’t be our authentic autistic selves in the majority of our environments that we can no longer trust or recognise our own emotions.

‘There's also the sense of being too much or not enough and others' reactions with this ("don't be so ridiculous!"/"that's bad why didn't you say so sooner!?"), compounded with our differences in communication.  We need clear signals from people and when we can have conflicting reactions we don't know where we stand even with ourselves. Also with healthcare professionals not having a great understanding of autism, we can get fobbed off with wrong diagnoses and unsuitable treatment, further making us feel like we don't know who we are. ("Anxiety is worry". Not everytime it isn't!).’

This is called gaslighting and can make us as autistic people internalise how we feel because we very quickly learn that other non autistic people do not experience the world the same way we do. You may find this Aucademy video about masking with Kieran Rose interesting because he makes similar points to you:

Autistic Masking Really video:

https://www.youtube.com/live/NVItB4UZbDY?feature=share

It’s great that you have a better understanding of yourself, this is why autistic identification is so important!

Yes I definitely agree with your point below. Did you know we as autistic people process 42% more information than non autistic people at resting rate?

out_of_step said:

A need for things to be right. Like you said above. Knowing what exactly is going on before we then find the right word to accurately describe how we feel. The fact there are a zillion things going round then having to pinpoint exactly the problem.  We probably get there eventually, it may need more processing time.