Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello fellow autistic people!
I found this brilliant, accurate and thought provoking description of alexithymia on social media (Instagram)!
https://www.instagram.com/p/CovdEQysj00/?igshid=MWQ1ZGUxMzBkMA==
If you can’t access Instagram, here is the description:
’I have a theory about this term. What if it’s not that I don’t know what I’m feeling, it’s that I don’t know how to tell you. What if I feel it in such an extreme, primal and indescribable way that spoken language fails to encompass it? And instead of allowing to feel deeply you have pathologised my unique emotional experience?’
I completely relate to this, I feel emotions very intensely and it’s one of the things I love about being autistic! I particularly like how the description states that spoken language is insufficient to describe the depth of emotion we feel. This is why stimming is our natural means of communication and so cool.
Do you relate this description of alexithymia? What do you think about your autistic experience of emotions?
I have got too much time on my hands tonight so here goes...
1. I think there could be elements of poor interoception. I do struggle if things are in the grey area but meditation is helping.
2. I think masking plays a huge part especially for diagnosed adults. We have spent a long time putting our own emotions to one side at the expense of everyone around us. There's also the sense of being too much or not enough and others' reactions with this ("don't be so ridiculous!"/"that's bad why didn't you say so sooner!?"), compounded with our differences in communication. We need clear signals from people and when we can have conflicting reactions we don't know where we stand even with ourselves. Also with healthcare professionals not having a great understanding of autism, we can get fobbed off with wrong diagnoses and unsuitable treatment, further making us feel like we don't know who we are. ("Anxiety is worry". Not everytime it isn't!).
Since I've now got a good grasp on how my brain operates, I'm less confused these days by seemingly random emotions and moods. These used to be self perpetuating as I was further frustrated not knowing why I felt like that.
3. A need for things to be right. Like you said above. Knowing what exactly is going on before we then find the right word to accurately describe how we feel. The fact there are a zillion things going round then having to pinpoint exactly the problem. We probably get there eventually, it may need more processing time.
I'd need to think further about your points. I cant speak for others but do wonder if we have a more robust fight or flight mechanism which if true, might attribute to what you are saying. Feelings are primal for all humans but I kind of get where you are coming from. As usual, I feel I have missed the point of the post and gone off on one.
Alexythima is common to the autistic population but not exclusive. I'd be interested to hear of allistic experiences of alexithymia.