Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
I tried to add a follow up post to one I had already made around this issue but couldn't figure it out so apologies
My partner's continued low libido due to taking medication is absolutely destroying me
I'm finding it so hard to cope, this is causing messed up sleeping, stimming by punching my head and really making my relationship with my partner so difficult.
We have been lucky to get away to some nice places recently and I would have thought the change of scenery, nice hotel rooms, fancy clothes etc would have being a catalyst for intimacy but I'm left feeling destroyed after them because nothing happens and I feel even worse because I allowed myself to hope of something happening and this dashing of hope is one of the worst things
I allow myself the possibility of intimacy, even fantasize about it but when it doesn't happen it destroys me
I do appreciate its not my partner's fault and I struggle to not take it personally, but it still leaves me devastated that I can't even turn my partner on, it tanks my self esteem and makes me feel disgusting.
After every rejection I feel like my heart's being ripped out.
It even got to the stage where I was ready to give up, just to stop trying because what's the point??? The damage to me mentally because of constant rejection is piling up.
It even got to the stage I was planning on not watching my partner get dressed to avoid the possibility of being turned on
I feel this is a pretty ed up thing to do and goes against how I normally behave but I'm torturing myself by keeping trying , am I meant to just pretend I have no drive either??
I feel sick , get moody , struggle to sleep after every rejection.
The only saving grace is me and my partner communicate about things pretty good, but conversations around sex are becoming 'im getting sick of having this conversation" but I feel as it not been resolved of course we are going to have this conversation over and over again.
I love my partner to the moon and back , I truly do but I'm at a loss here, I don't want to lose them over a intimacy issue that's not really there fault.
I discussed with my partner about speaking with their doctor around their medication and that went down like a lead balloon, I get my partner's condition is their priority and I'm not asking them to sacrifice their health for the sake of intimacy, I'm asking that the issues that are being caused by the medication are highlighted to the GP and see if there is there is any thing that could be done differently, to me that seems like a reasonable request but my partner's reaction to me suggests otherwise?
However I can't see that happening, so I'm left in limbo.
This is months and months of near constant rejection, yes we have had spells that have been better but they never last and then I'm back to feeling hopeless and hurt again.
I have no one to turn to, constant communication about this to my partner is going to be seen as pressure and I feel could possibly damage our relationship long term
I don't see a path forward, I'm totally at a loss and I would appreciate all your
Thanks
Dear online community users,
Thankyou for participating in this discussion.
Several comments in this thread break our rule 5, for this reason we have locked the thread.
Kind regards,
Rosie Mod
You are ignoring subsection 8.
”In proceedings for an offence under this section it is a defence for A to show that—
(a)in engaging in the behaviour in question, A believed that he or she was acting in B’s best interests, and
(b)the behaviour was in all the circumstances reasonable.
(9)A is to be taken to have shown the facts mentioned in subsection (8) if—
(a)sufficient evidence of the facts is adduced to raise an issue with respect to them, and
(b)the contrary is not proved beyond reasonable doubt.”
asking your partner to consult a doctor about side effects from their medication is both reasonable and arguably in their best interests.
beyond that I’m not pursuaded the behaviour will meet the criteria of having a ‘serious effect on B’ given the definition offered is
“4)A’s behaviour has a “serious effect” on B if—
(a)it causes B to fear, on at least two occasions, that violence will be used against B, or
(b)it causes B serious alarm or distress which has a substantial adverse effect on B’s usual day-to-day activities.”
him asking his partner to see a doctor will not dIstress her to the point it impairs her day to day activities
I think people should be very careful before they start criticised because it is very hard for us who love our autistic partner, we just want to feel that person in your arms, share a loving moment. I think whoever is criticising doesn't know the true meaning of love.
I know exactly what you mean, I am married to an autistic person for 18 years, I have the same problem. I think people who are telling you that you are selfish just do it yourself are speaking nonsense. I understand you completely it is not just sex you want, it is because you love your partner you want to make love , it is completely different, you just want love.
https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship
Dictating your partner's medical care so they can be a better sex object for you is absolutely covered.
Asking someone to get help from a doctor is not ‘drugging them’
quote the law. I want chapter and verse. What law do you think is or might be being broken here. If you are going to continue to asert something is ilgal quote the law.
Yes it is. Trying to drug your partner into consenting to sex with you is coercion. That is illegal. It's a form of coercive control.
I am extremely concerned by your lack of understanding of consent and the law. YOU NEED TO GET HELP. You will end up committing sexual assault with this lack of understanding, if you haven't already. Just because you've got away with it so far doesn't mean you always will, particularly when you keep boasting online like this.
ok lets add to that. Asking your sexual partner to get their sexual disfunction treated is also not a crime.
These following things are not sex crimes
Why would you assume that?
I will repeat this because it's really the only relevant point in this whole discussion.
Having sex with someone who doesn't want sex is a crime.
Not having sex with someone who wants sex is not a crime.
No you’re not wiggling out of that one. We’re assuming fidelity is important to the partners in this situation. Would you care to answer again. Would you expect an asexual partner to take drugs to match the high sex drive caused by their partners antidepressants. Given infidelity isn’t an option?
would you expect the partner to not mention going back to the doctor when the obvious hornyness of the other partner bothered them?
It is in ICD-11
High sex drive isn’t a recognised medical condition
Peter said:What if it were an asexual couple. Only the doctor has given one of them an antidepressant that’s suddenly made them want to have sex all the time.
Cool, off they go and have it. Just don't involve an unwilling partner.
It really is important that you grasp the following point, and I don't think you currently do, so please read carefully:
These are not morally or legally equivalent situations.
Again we advocate mentally unwell people being drugged here quiet often. We call it antidepressants. No one however is advocating people being drugged against their will.
what if the situation was reversed. What if it were an asexual couple. Only the doctor has given one of them an antidepressant that’s suddenly made them want to have sex all the time. And of course the other one is upset because they are asexual and can’t cope with the sexual behaviour and their partner suddenly wanting sex.
Would you say the partner is wrong if they ask them to go back to the doctor? Would you say the partner should start taking the antidepressant too to raise their sex drive?
Because that’s what you suggested for an antidepressant that lowers sex drive so the same thing should hold for one that boosts it right?
Her low sex drive isn't causing her distress.
His high drive is causing him distress.
He is the one that needs to seek treatment
so whats the difference? She’s upset because he's upset and your solution is he pretend he isn't upset so she won’t feel bad? Doesn’t sound like the recipe for a communicative and loving relationship.
it really doesn’t make a difference what the precise chain of cause and effect is. If her low sex drive is making her relationship dysfunctional then its sexual disfunction.
and actually if asexuality causes someone significant distress it would be considered a disorder. At least that’s my understanding of the icd-11.
its perfectly possible for low sex drive to only be considered a disfunction because you are in a relationship effected by the low sex drive
How OP should discuss this with their partner is to let them know they are struggling, but also that it's not their partner's fault and that they don't want the partner to do anything that night compromise their recovery. OP should then seek individual therapy and education around meaningful consent to deal with their feelings and reduce the risk of them abusing their partner or anyone else.
Sexual coercion IS illegal and IS abuse. Encouraging someone to engage in it therefore violates NAS forum rule 12.
It's not OP who has crossed the line, it's those who advocate drugging a mentally unwell person into compliance.