Low libido - really struggling

You are a sexual predator who has given countless examples of situations in which you've committed sexual harassment, and encouraged others to coerce or drug their partners into sex. You've also shared a huge amount of personal information including your name, location and job title. If I were you I would not be posting here any more.

It seems like you get a lot of your self esteem from sex and that is the issue, not your partner's libido at the moment. Feeling devastated because you haven't had sex for a while is quite an extreme reaction. Do you tend to feel things intensely? I'm asking because this is a key feature of my autism. If I'm not careful I can get in a loop of thinking about something intensely which continues to feed in to feelings of anxiety. Sex can be nice but you need to be ok if you can't have sex with someone else for a while. Navigating differing sex drives is part of being in a relationship. At the beginning it's not unusual to have matching desires, then things slow down, life events can change things, illness, etc. If you care about someone enough to stick around then learning how to handle this is part of it. Getting your self esteem by feeling sexually desired is not sustainable or particularly healthy. It's not anyone else's responsibility to make you feel ok about yourself, and do you want that anyway? Why you feel terrible right now is because you rely on your partner wanting sex to be able to feel ok, something that is out of her control because she is ill and on medication for it. If you had more robust self esteem your partner's current lack of desire would not be affecting you so badly and you wouldn't be feeling so desperate. 

Well you're going to have to rely on yourself though if that's your only sensible alternative, aside from the ethical and moral issues you can't coerce or force yourself upon your partner against their will because it's illegal, you will just have to do the done thing and sort yourself out until the drought passes.
If you are just looking for empathy, sorry I can't relate, sympathy, sure sorry to hear you are having a rough time that must suck, but for practical advice that is it, if the chatting about it doesn't work like you said it doesn't and your partner needs you to leave it be then just leave it be.

A) you contradicted yourself you said you believe it will be made illegal and then said it is a crime. B) if you believe asking her to take a pill to increase her sex drive is conversion therapy does it also follow that the doctor giving her pills that lower it is also conversion therapy?

In short your position is not logically consistent.

Conversion therapy is literally in the process of being made illegal, so yes, it is a crime.

Not negative just an alternate point of view. I’m not saying this fellow has reached it yet, but they may come a point when this affects his mental health so badly that he’s the one in need of support. And I’m thinking that if they do  split up because they can’t communicate and compromise on this issue they will both end up more depressed not less. 

social isolation is very bad for depression and splitting up from a partner in the middle of a depressive episode is one of the worst things for depression. And yet if they’re not more communicative and open about meeting each other’s needs I think that’s a real possibility.

it seems really stupid not to go for the easy fix to the problem because you’re worried it might make your depression worse. Particularly when the entire process is managed by a professional and it’s entirely possible to wind back that change very easily if it doesn’t work out.

I get frustrated that life seems to always come back to sex. Connection is so much more than sexual intimacy.

I'm sorry you enjoy sex with your partner but now miss it. But as someone else said, it isn't ever a guarantee in a relationship, so what you have gotten used to getting from your partner they can't give atm. But your role for them shouldn't be diminished because you aren't getting what you want.

I think you need to spend more time working on your spiritual and empathic self.

Let the negative comments commence...

Gender doesn’t matter. The advice I’ve given is pretty much still good regardless of the gender of either  party

Peter said:

Basically my response to all of the people having a go at this man for wanting to try and fix his wife’s lack of a sex drive is:

I’m sorry but where exactly did the OP disclose their or their partner’s gender identity? You are making a lot of assumptions, other people are trying to give a more open minded answer because we don’t know this information as far as I can see on the replies 

Basically my response to all of the people having a go at this man for wanting to try and fix his wife’s lack of a sex drive is:

it is not a crime to want to fix someone you love. It’s not like she wanted her sex drive to go away it’s not like she was faking having a sex drive when they first got together. It’s not as if he isn’t as equally concerned about fixing her depression. As the old wedding vows go in sickness and in health but that doesn’t mean you have to be okay with your loved one being ill and that goes for depression but it also goes for sexual dysfunction. It’s called dysfunction for a reason.

I know over a lot of women who are upset because men want to fix things instead of just support them through the situation. Well tough, if you love someone and something is getting in the way of your relationship with them you will want to fix it.

he isn’t trying to brainwash her into wanting sex she didn’t used to want, nor  is he trying to compromise her therapy by asking her to go to the doctor and ask if it’s possible to improve the situation. She may fear that the doctor may just take her off the medication or put her on medication that doesn’t work, but believe me a good doctor is not going to be willing to take her off medication that works and put her on medication that doesn’t work just to improve her sex drive. That doesn’t mean that you can’t investigate whether or not it’s possible to get an improvement.

ultimately it sounding more and more like this depression is long-term and it’s causing a real strain upon this relationship. which leads me to ask a question whether or not something doesn’t need to shift anyway. maybe things have become too comfortable in the status quo maybe her treatment is stuck in a rut. it happens with depression quite a lot. it’s a lot easier for a doctor to keep giving you pills then arrange for the therapy that might potentially improve your mental state. She may feel with the antidepressants she’s got to an equilibrium where life is survivable, but surviving is not living. And so it’s quite legitimate for her other half to ask when she can get away from surviving to living again. Maybe it would be a good thing to put some pressure on her doctors to come up with a solution which is a long-term one rather than just keeping her in survival mode.

you know what at the end of the day a load of randoms on the Internet are not the best people to be asking for advice on this. go make yourself an appointment with a sex therapist just you on your own. if a sex therapist says as I think it’s quite plausible that your wife should probably come in with you and be seen by them as well, then at least you can say to your wife and to anyone else who  has a go at you on the Internet that this is what an expert recommended.

I think what a lot of people don’t appreciate here is that for a lot of people especially a lot of men  mainly the experience of emotional intimacy, showing and receiving  affection with their other half, is through physical intimacy. And that when you are strongly sexually attracted to someone almost all physical intimacy will have a sexual element.

I think if anything is abusive it’s changing the parameters of the relationship and expecting the other party to be okay with it. And in fairness I don’t think she really does expect him to be okay with it. From what he said it sounds to me as if she is already half expecting him to break up with her at some point.

Yes, I think finding ways to handle this without putting pressure on the person with low libido is really important and toys can be a great way of doing it. I'm asexual and have chronic pelvic pain, so sex is absolutely not a priority for me ever, but I've actually found myself more open to physical affection generally in relationships (like my current one) where the pressure was off because I wasn't expected to be the sole source of satisfaction for the other person.

There's no shame in doing things on your own. It's actually good for people to know what they like! And in my experience it can help the person who's less interested to get involved, if they want, because there's no longer the expectation for them to do everything every time, they can just join in- or not- as they feel comfortable.

I am so sorry that your partner made sex a condition of the relationship. You deserve someone so much better than that.

It's probably a combination of the two. And that is personally frustrating, but it was something that I wanted to improve if I wanted to continue to have a relationship. And the relationship was important even if sex is not that important to me.

What action are you taking to decrease your sex drive?

You're getting a bad reaction from your partner because you are being selfish, bordering on abusive.

Personally I would not take that well at all. It's a big demand to ask your partner to take two medications, which might interact with each other, to increase their sex drive, when the alternative is that you could take one to decrease yours.

How about incorporating "toys" to help? You may be pleasantly suprised. 

I dont think adding more "drugs" is a good idea. Most drugs come with side effects. 

Im sorry its affecting your nental health. I feel for your partner. It is not a deliberate choice, but caused by prescribed drugs. It is a very common side effect for people taking antidepressants and antidepressants arent easy to come off. 

Please dont give your partner a hard time over it, it is not a choice x

Thanks really appreciate you expanding that. 

She probably doesn't realise that she isn't something that can be easily replaced in your life. That the physical intermicy you crave is the flip side of emotional intermacy and that you wouldn't be happy with another woman even if you could get one.

That if you were to break up you probably wouldn't easily move on and find some one else better for you. Instead you'd pine away for her just like you are pining away for the sex you use to have with her.