Low libido - really struggling

ah now i see lol

its multilayered comment that can be read many ways. probs all which will still be take bad lol
in one way your proving that the abstinence didnt effect you and you can last longer than her and was totally cool with it and her asking for it is a show that she is the one pestering you for it. and in another case theres also the whole myth that women are more attracted and will want the person more who is hard to get and rejects their advances, so a refusal of sex would likely raise the libido more if that myth is true. and ofcourse the most glaring point of being mirror treatment/reciprocal treatment which i tend to naturally do alot. treat others how they treat you, which has a issue with it in that your perception of how one treats you maybe worse than how they actually treated you lol

For the record I never accused the OP of being a "Sex criminal" I merely reiterated the importance of respecting consent. "Don't end up a r*pist" isn't the same as "you are a r*pist". Education isn't accusatory or bullying. There have been no posts/replies calling for the OP to be locked up irl, nor banned from the forum. Just a handful of folk expressing the need for caution. You can disagree if you want but reminding people of that moral and legal point regarding consent for their own as much as anyone elses sakes isn't an act of unkindness.

Peter said:

it’s not even a question of whether or not it’s causing her clinically significant distress the term the ICD 11 uses. Because it’s causing her relationship to breakdown which is causing her clinically significant distress.

Not true. Because again that is only based on 3rd party hear-say, the partner isn't here to tell us in person if they feel the issue is the medication or the OPs pestering, which we need to be prepared to accept that it is just as likely the OPs pressuring which is the cause of the issue since the OP themself has said the partner said they don't want to go to the Dr with it and hasn't went to the Dr about it (which is a factual relay of information not speculative), so it (the lack of libido itself) may not be that big of a deal in the partners eyes. And it is up to the partner to say whether they feel they are under distress and from what specifically, and they are not here to tell us firsthand. So no we can't attribute secondhand say-so to sexual dysfunction, because to do so relies purely on presumptions of emotive interpretation (the only emotion the OP can truly know is their own).
Also lack of sexual drive on it's own isn't a disorder. Lots of Asexual+ people live perfectly happy lives without experiencing sexual attraction.

No it’s just because it thiss so one specific issue people seem to think that it’s not acceptable for him to have an opinion about his partners health.

if he was pestering his partner to go to the doctor about a lump, or even depression no one would have a problem with it. No one would say ‘oh well he doesn’t get to say if it’s a condition or not.’ You tend to know when there’s something not right with someone you love. When their body and brain is slightly off-balance.

if it were any other kind of medical problem unrelated to sex that he was pestering his partner about no one would have an issue with this. No one would question if he was really right about there being a issue to be investigated.

anyway it’s a moot point. his partner has identified this side-effect as being a lack of interest in sex hence sexual dysfunction. it’s his own partners opinion that this is caused by medication. side-effects are more or less by definition a dysfunction. especially if they’re causing you to no longer find enjoyment in something you use to enjoy.

based on what the OP has said there is no disagreement between them that the meds are causing her to be less interested in sex. That this is a side-effect. 

it’s not even a question of whether or not it’s causing her clinically significant distress the term the ICD 11 uses. Because it’s causing her relationship to breakdown which is causing her clinically significant distress.

No, sorry Peter but I don't think it our place, or even the OPs place to say that their partner is experiencing sexual dysfunction, we are not them nor their Dr, and we should respect their wishes to be left alone and not be sex pestered. I wouldn't want to attempt to diagnose the OPs partner any more than I would you with anything you yourself did not tell me you suspected in-of yourself as a matter of respect to you either. And If your partner came on here looking for advice about you I would likewise advise them to treat your issues in the least obtrusive and most respectful way also.
And besides not hearing it "from the horses mouth" the information we are being given here is, mere hear-say at best.

It's not that men cannot refuse to consent (bc ofc they have that right too), the issue with the second part of that reply

Caelus said:

when she gets off meds and gets horny you should ignore her and tell her your not interested for months lol

is that it's terribly unhelpful advice to encourage uneccessary spiteful behaviour in another persons relationship. A relationship which you don't have to suffer being in, or suffer the break up of, if it gets messy. So offering up potentially incendiary advice wasn't very responsible or kind to the OP either.
The first part

Caelus said:

hang in there, she cant be on the meds forever right... can she? .. its not permanent meds is it?

was perfectly supportive and fine, and could have been left there. And honestly if you had left it on that positive tone I actually would have upvoted it.

Sure, I agree that things were being overly accusatory at times. But victims of coercive behaviour are going to struggle not to react strongly to what they might see as that kind of behaviour. Some of what the OP responded with made me a little uncomfortable but then I remember how intense I can be when Im frustrated. How I overstate things and struggle to get my point across to people. And so I give the benefit of the doubt that that is all it is. I think maybe in your attempt to present the other side here you were coming across a little uncaring about concerns for the partner and that riled a few people up. Not saying you were wrong or right but it may have caused others to be more entrenched in their views and more hostile. Again I hope OP and their partner are ok and that the community can respect each others feelings and the background that might lead to them. Because otherwise everyone seems really supportive.

Of course it’s one thing to have an opinion that something is a bad idea, that it’s insensitive, that it’s a bad way to handle relationship issues.

My concern is particularly people saying it’s a sex crime or predatory behaviour or In someway illegal or abusive. That’s quite a different character from just saying this behaviour is a bad idea or unhelpful or even unfair.

It's a complicated topic. I hope the OP is okay and I hope his/her partner is too. We are all here because we are autistic and autistic people struggle to communicate a lot and maybe that is what is happening here too. We are also all traumatized individuals for the most part.

I know you feel strongly for the OP because I think you can identify with some of his struggles. It is the same for the people who feel strongly for the OPs partner. As someone who has struggled with the dysfunctional sexual problems brought on by antidepressant medication I can understand the OPs frustration. I can also understand that maybe their communication could come across a little tangled and we need to be understanding of that. But as someone who was also forced to do things I didn't want to by a partner who didn't understand the struggles I was having I can also understand the fierce desire to protect the OPs partner from harm. At the end of the day everyone here wanted what was best for someone else and maybe that got a little skewed. 

To the OP: I hope you are ok and that you and your partner can communicate about your problems. That seems the key issue here. I think therapy with you both together would be really helpful so you can talk things through. If your relationship doesn't survive, it's ok to be sad. When you are ready, there will be other people out there that you might find more compatibility with. It's a difficult place to be in and I hope everyone involved can take care of themselves as best they can.

I don’t know if there’s anything more to be gained for further posting in this thread. It seems the OP has left and isn’t going to be responding anymore and frankly I don’t blame him. He said he came here to ask difficult questions about how best to approach his partner and I am going to assume that it is him until he says otherwise, about how best to approach his Neurotypical partner about the very sensitive and difficult issue of her sexual dysfunction (and I’m going to assume it’s her until I’m told otherwise). And instead of helpful and sympathetic advice he has been basically accused of being a sex criminal. “Man accused of being sex criminal for asking partner about when they might have sex again” sounds like a headline in the onion or private eye. Have no doubt what has taken place here is effectively bullying.l

Without any reasonable basis a small group of individuals have chosen to accuse someone coming looking for help here of being a sex criminal. If that’s not bullying I don’t know what is. And while he may not feel able to stand up and complain about it I certainly do. Is this the kind of welcoming forum we want where people who open up about extremely difficult and sensitive issues in their relationships with Neurotypical partners Will be accused of being sexual predators without rational basis? Never mind us being nice and respectful to each other how has the OP been treated? who was nice to him? Has he been treated respectfully?

Have no doubt what happened here was not social justice, it was not feminism, it was bullying. It should not be allowed to happen again.

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If you look at coercion/control/abuse figures, you will find there is a difference between male -v- female; female -v-male; female -v- female; male -v-male.

To my mind the very suggestion that you should take account of the genders of the parties before deciding whether something is coercive is sexist in itself.

That doesn't mean that the justification doesn't exist.

That's a very fancy way of saying 'I think you are wrong' which I fair enough but if you or Ree want to assert that the relationship is 'toxic' the onus is on you to argue it is and so far any attempt to do so has been farcical.

Peter said:

But gender doesn't really make a difference to most of what we are talking about.

Yes, it does.

If you look at coercion/control/abuse figures, you will find there is a difference between male -v- female; female -v-male; female -v- female; male -v-male.

Also, if you think one partner is male and one female, those assumptions come pre-set with other assumptions about males/females, in part depending on which sex (if either) you are/identify with.

Peter said:

I see absolutely nothing in what the OP has said to justify such an assertion.

That doesn't mean that the justification doesn't exist.

I think at the very least there is coercion and control involved here (ie with regard to the OPs attitude towards their partner).

I see absolutely nothing in what the OP has said to justify such an assertion.

By-the-way, although you  have referred to this couple as 'he' and 'she' throughout and even 'wife', I don't think the OP has ever mentioned this?

You're right I have used 'Wife.' When people say 'partner' my brain just translates to 'effectively married but didn't feel like making it legally binding.' Anyway I'm going to assume the OP is male and the partner female because it means I can use he / she which is a lot more concise than 'the OP's partner.' But gender doesn't really make a difference to most of what we are talking about.

If I refer to them both as 'they' you will have no idea who i'm talking about in which bit of sentence.

I am aware of a few studies suggesting this may be different for autistic people who can benefit from alone time and a reduction in societal pressure when their mental health is suffering. I can anecdotally attest to this myself - when my mental health is suffering, being completely alone without pressure for a period of time is the surefire thing that will fix it. But everyone is different, I am just saying that socialising more doesn't always help everyone struggling with mental health issues. The rest of the debate between everyone I would like to stay out of. I can see both sides here and understand why people are upset but everyone is being a little heated about it.

I believe Ree was making a general point there and in any case, you shouldn't be so judgemental.

If Ree was making that point about this single O/P's issue, calling their assertion 'absurd' is high-handed.

Everyone is different, has differing experiences and differing tolerances.

I don't think that if they were using the phrase in the particular, rather than the general, that they are particularly off.

I think at the very least there is coercion and control involved here (ie with regard to the OPs attitude towards their partner).

By-the-way, although you  have referred to this couple as 'he' and 'she' throughout and even 'wife', I don't think the OP has ever mentioned this?

The toxic relationship in this situation exists purely in Ree's mind. So yes I'm ignoring her assertion that this is a 'toxic relationship' because that assertion is absurd.

issue with autistic people communicating difficult issues and feelings with their partner are 100% in line with this forum. We should have been discussing HOW he raises this issue with his partner instead certain elements have derailed the thread to talk about WHETHER he should talk to her about it at all.

respectfully people misconstruing innocent things like wanting your partner to get their sexual disfunction treated as 'coercion' is a textbook example why you have to be so careful wording laws and why a lot of these anti misogyny / homophobia laws that sound good on paper can end up being problematic in practice when people have to interpret vaguely worded legal definitions.

I think you are ignoring the main thrust of Ree's statement:

better than being in a toxic relationship or in a relationship that is more negative, stressful, pressuring than it is supportive and happy

There is no 'mental health advice and research' (your words) that says it is better to be in a toxic and abusive relationship than to be single.

The opposite in fact.