Low libido - really struggling

I think what a lot of people don’t appreciate here is that for a lot of people especially a lot of men  mainly the experience of emotional intimacy, showing and receiving  affection with their other half, is through physical intimacy. And that when you are strongly sexually attracted to someone almost all physical intimacy will have a sexual element.

I think if anything is abusive it’s changing the parameters of the relationship and expecting the other party to be okay with it. And in fairness I don’t think she really does expect him to be okay with it. From what he said it sounds to me as if she is already half expecting him to break up with her at some point.

Yes, I think finding ways to handle this without putting pressure on the person with low libido is really important and toys can be a great way of doing it. I'm asexual and have chronic pelvic pain, so sex is absolutely not a priority for me ever, but I've actually found myself more open to physical affection generally in relationships (like my current one) where the pressure was off because I wasn't expected to be the sole source of satisfaction for the other person.

There's no shame in doing things on your own. It's actually good for people to know what they like! And in my experience it can help the person who's less interested to get involved, if they want, because there's no longer the expectation for them to do everything every time, they can just join in- or not- as they feel comfortable.

I am so sorry that your partner made sex a condition of the relationship. You deserve someone so much better than that.

It's probably a combination of the two. And that is personally frustrating, but it was something that I wanted to improve if I wanted to continue to have a relationship. And the relationship was important even if sex is not that important to me.

What action are you taking to decrease your sex drive?

You're getting a bad reaction from your partner because you are being selfish, bordering on abusive.

Personally I would not take that well at all. It's a big demand to ask your partner to take two medications, which might interact with each other, to increase their sex drive, when the alternative is that you could take one to decrease yours.

How about incorporating "toys" to help? You may be pleasantly suprised. 

I dont think adding more "drugs" is a good idea. Most drugs come with side effects. 

Im sorry its affecting your nental health. I feel for your partner. It is not a deliberate choice, but caused by prescribed drugs. It is a very common side effect for people taking antidepressants and antidepressants arent easy to come off. 

Please dont give your partner a hard time over it, it is not a choice x

Thanks really appreciate you expanding that. 

She probably doesn't realise that she isn't something that can be easily replaced in your life. That the physical intermicy you crave is the flip side of emotional intermacy and that you wouldn't be happy with another woman even if you could get one.

That if you were to break up you probably wouldn't easily move on and find some one else better for you. Instead you'd pine away for her just like you are pining away for the sex you use to have with her.

Peter said:

Maybe she doesn't appreciate this but you are in a double bind. You are depressed / frustrated with her as she is but you would be equally depressed / frustrated without her

I'm trying to wrap my head around this, it seems important, could you elaborate, I'm struggling. Thanks 

I mean yes but I wouldn't expect the doctor to do anything about it unless she's on board. Except recommend some sort of couples therapy. Which to be honest its sounding like you need anyway.

Maybe she doesn't appreciate this but you are in a double bind. You are depressed / frustrated with her as she is but you would be equally depressed / frustrated without her. Depressed people often feel they are dragging those around them down and that they would move on easily without them. Of course this is generally not the case. When a depressed person create emotional distance between them and their loved ones it often makes the loved ones more depressed.

Does anyone see value in both of us visiting my partner's GP together to discuss this with them? Still with the understanding that my partner's mental health is a priority but allowing us a couple is an important thing in a relationship. 

Well I have truly went and fu**** things up now! 

Spoke to my partner and opened up about how much this affecting my mental health, and the conversation went along the lines well if my situation is causing you mental health issues then we should split. 

Thing is I dont want to split, it's just one thing that's messing up our relationship 

How do I get my partner to understand the pain this is causing me

And how do I approach speaking to their doctor about this without being accused of not caring about their mental health because I don't want my partner unwell but I do want us to have some sort of normal sex life, both for myself and my partner. 

Doc is just going to keep giving my partner pills, literally had a two minute conversation with them the last time they where reviewed and then gave another 3 months worth, they literally don't care 

I would say if possible try to get referred to a consultant. Low sex drive is a common side-effect of all SSRI antidepressants. However almost all NHS approved first line antidepressants are SSRI. So if you complain of antidepressant  side-effects to a GP they typically just keep moving you from one SSRI to another. What a consultant might do is combine your wife’s existing antidepressant with a third line antidepressant like bupropion which has  actually been known to increase sex drive.

so you may have to fight your GP to get your wife seen by a specialist.

Where you open to try new meds? Or did you feel forced to because of your partner?

But I want my partner, I don't want to rely on myself, those things are completely ends of the spectrum for me. 

I will try but I'm not sure how well that will be taken. 

Thanks 

Maybe you’ll get further by suggesting that there may be the option of taking additional medications to increase sex drive.

I am on the other side of the situation and my O/H finds it incredibly difficult. The drugs are horrific for this for me. It is an incredibly difficult situation.

I have tried many different meds and the ones I'm on are slightly better. My O/H has been incredibly sexually frustated for a long time. And I react very similar to your partner.

I think that there are things that we have done to adapt. But it has taken a long time. And we have found a sort of a compromise. I hope that you both can come to some sort of arrangement. No pun intended.