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Low libido - really struggling

NAS80814

Hi

I tried to add a follow up post to one I had already made around this issue but couldn't figure it out so apologies

My partner's continued low libido due to taking medication is absolutely destroying me

I'm finding it so hard to cope, this is causing messed up sleeping, stimming by punching my head and really making my relationship with my partner so difficult. 

We have been lucky to get away to some nice places recently and I would have thought the change of scenery, nice hotel rooms, fancy clothes etc would have being a catalyst for intimacy but I'm left feeling destroyed after them because nothing happens and I feel even worse because I allowed myself to hope of something happening and this dashing of hope is one of the worst things

I allow myself the possibility of intimacy, even fantasize about it but when it doesn't happen it destroys me

I do appreciate its not my partner's fault and I struggle to not take it personally, but it still leaves me devastated that I can't even turn my partner on, it tanks my self esteem and makes me feel disgusting. 

After every rejection I feel like my heart's being ripped out. 

It even got to the stage where I was ready to give up, just to stop trying because what's the point??? The damage to me mentally because of constant rejection is piling up. 

It even got to the stage I was planning on not watching my partner get dressed to avoid the possibility of being turned on 

I feel this is a pretty Ducked up thing to do and goes against how I normally behave but I'm torturing myself by keeping trying , am I meant to just pretend I have no drive either??

I feel sick , get moody , struggle to sleep after every rejection. 

The only saving grace is me and my partner communicate about things pretty good, but conversations around sex are becoming 'im getting sick of having this conversation" but I feel as it not been resolved of course we are going to have this conversation over and over again. 

I love my partner to the moon and back , I truly do but I'm at a loss here, I don't want to lose them over a intimacy issue that's not really there fault. 

I discussed with my partner about speaking with their doctor around their medication and that went down like a lead balloon, I get my partner's condition is their priority and I'm not asking them to sacrifice their health for the sake of intimacy, I'm asking that the issues that are being caused by the medication are highlighted to the GP and see if there is there is any thing that could be done differently, to me that seems like a reasonable request but my partner's reaction to me suggests otherwise?

However I can't see that happening, so I'm left in limbo. 

This is months and months of near constant rejection, yes we have had spells that have been better but they never last and then I'm back to feeling hopeless and hurt again. 

I have no one to turn to, constant communication about this to my partner is going to be seen as pressure and I feel could possibly damage our relationship long term

I don't see a path forward, I'm totally at a loss and I would appreciate all your  Thought balloon Pray

Thanks 

  • in reply to Peter
    Peter said:
    Maybe she doesn't appreciate this but you are in a double bind. You are depressed / frustrated with her as she is but you would be equally depressed / frustrated without her

    I'm trying to wrap my head around this, it seems important, could you elaborate, I'm struggling. Thanks 

  • in reply to NAS80814

    I mean yes but I wouldn't expect the doctor to do anything about it unless she's on board. Except recommend some sort of couples therapy. Which to be honest its sounding like you need anyway.

    Maybe she doesn't appreciate this but you are in a double bind. You are depressed / frustrated with her as she is but you would be equally depressed / frustrated without her. Depressed people often feel they are dragging those around them down and that they would move on easily without them. Of course this is generally not the case. When a depressed person create emotional distance between them and their loved ones it often makes the loved ones more depressed.

  • in reply to NAS80814

    Does anyone see value in both of us visiting my partner's GP together to discuss this with them? Still with the understanding that my partner's mental health is a priority but allowing us a couple is an important thing in a relationship. 

  • Well I have truly went and fu**** things up now! 

    Spoke to my partner and opened up about how much this affecting my mental health, and the conversation went along the lines well if my situation is causing you mental health issues then we should split. 

    Thing is I dont want to split, it's just one thing that's messing up our relationship 

    How do I get my partner to understand the pain this is causing me

    And how do I approach speaking to their doctor about this without being accused of not caring about their mental health because I don't want my partner unwell but I do want us to have some sort of normal sex life, both for myself and my partner. 

    Doc is just going to keep giving my partner pills, literally had a two minute conversation with them the last time they where reviewed and then gave another 3 months worth, they literally don't care 

  • in reply to NAS80814

    I would say if possible try to get referred to a consultant. Low sex drive is a common side-effect of all SSRI antidepressants. However almost all NHS approved first line antidepressants are SSRI. So if you complain of antidepressant  side-effects to a GP they typically just keep moving you from one SSRI to another. What a consultant might do is combine your wife’s existing antidepressant with a third line antidepressant like bupropion which has  actually been known to increase sex drive.

    so you may have to fight your GP to get your wife seen by a specialist.

  • in reply to mrs.snooks

    Where you open to try new meds? Or did you feel forced to because of your partner?

  • in reply to 🐝 Bees 🐝 (they/them) Autism resources in bio #stoptheshock #NothingAboutUsWithoutUs

    But I want my partner, I don't want to rely on myself, those things are completely ends of the spectrum for me. 

  • in reply to Peter

    I will try but I'm not sure how well that will be taken. 

    Thanks 

  • in reply to NAS80814

    Maybe you’ll get further by suggesting that there may be the option of taking additional medications to increase sex drive.

  • I am on the other side of the situation and my O/H finds it incredibly difficult. The drugs are horrific for this for me. It is an incredibly difficult situation.

    I have tried many different meds and the ones I'm on are slightly better. My O/H has been incredibly sexually frustated for a long time. And I react very similar to your partner.

    I think that there are things that we have done to adapt. But it has taken a long time. And we have found a sort of a compromise. I hope that you both can come to some sort of arrangement. No pun intended.

  • I don't mean this is in an insensitive way, but as fustrating as it is to be in a relationship you feel has lost it's intimacy you never had an all access pass to another persons body anyway (relationship or not) and have probably been using the singletons best friend to type your post with, so the solution to your own sexual fustration is, ahem, at hand.

  • in reply to JT

    We do lots of that, we are the sad couple who always hold hands. Lol

    But I'm missing greatly the sexual connection we used to have. 

  • in reply to Bean

    We are both really struggling, I have tried something like that and it kinda works but still seen as pressure. 

    This pressure thing is a killer, I feel like crap now whenever I express myself sexually towards my partner because it's treated as pressure. 

    Would love to know how you dealt with it?

    Thanks Pray

  • in reply to Peter

    Thanks, I was never ever asking my partner to come off medication I was asking if they could speak to the doc about to see if their was suitable alternatives that would mean me and my partner could achieve some sort of sexual relationship. 

  • in reply to JFK

    Yeah it's definitely not on a list of priorities which I'm trying to understand, but at the same time it's affecting me and my mental health so where's does the line get drawn? Is my mental health not as important as theirs?

  • in reply to Peter

    I just can't get my partner to contemplate other medications, it just gets flung back at me that I'm more interested in sex than they're mental health, I'm lost. 

  • in reply to Caelus

    There is no real end date for these and the doctors are useless and just say yeah there are known side effects such as lack of libido but here's another 3 months supply off you pop. 

    My partner won't engage with the doc around any other possible medications. 

  • in reply to GuybrushThreepwood

    Yeah I suspect your right, it just feels wrong to shut off the sexual part of me, I'm a very flirty sexual person. 

    My partner isn't willing to engage in therapy nor speak to the doctor about any more medications to help, so I'm a stage where it sees I have to just grin and bear it. 

    Im still affectionate with my partner and they assure it's purely chemical and not to take it personally but I find that so hard to do. 

  • I would argue it is physical intimacy and connection you are missing, touch for example. As the sex part you can achieve by yourself in many ways.

    Why not suggest massage or the like? I would hope it would calm, soothe and bring you both closer together

  • in reply to HP35

    as far as I can see no one is doing that. When a drug causes sex drive issues doctors either A) swap it out for another that does the same thing or B) add a new drug to combat the effect of the first one.