Low libido - really struggling

Dear online community users,

Thankyou for participating in this discussion.

Several comments in this thread break our rule 5, for this reason we have locked the thread. 

Kind regards,

Rosie Mod

You are ignoring subsection 8.

”In proceedings for an offence under this section it is a defence for A to show that—

(a)in engaging in the behaviour in question, A believed that he or she was acting in B’s best interests, and

(b)the behaviour was in all the circumstances reasonable.

(9)A is to be taken to have shown the facts mentioned in subsection (8) if—

(a)sufficient evidence of the facts is adduced to raise an issue with respect to them, and

(b)the contrary is not proved beyond reasonable doubt.”

asking your partner to consult a doctor about side effects from their medication is both reasonable and arguably in their best interests.

beyond that I’m not pursuaded the behaviour will meet the criteria of having a ‘serious effect on B’ given the definition offered is 

“4)A’s behaviour has a “serious effect” on B if—

(a)it causes B to fear, on at least two occasions, that violence will be used against B, or

(b)it causes B serious alarm or distress which has a substantial adverse effect on B’s usual day-to-day activities.”

him asking his partner to see a doctor will not dIstress her to the point it impairs her day to day activities 

I think people should be very careful before they start criticised because it is very hard for us who love our autistic partner,  we just want to feel that person in your arms, share a loving moment. I think whoever is criticising doesn't know the true meaning of love.

I know exactly what you mean, I am married to an autistic person for 18 years, I have the same problem.  I think people who are telling you that you are selfish just do it yourself are speaking nonsense.  I understand you completely it is not just sex you want, it is because you love your partner you want to make love , it is completely different, you just want love.

https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

Dictating your partner's medical care so they can be a better sex object for you is absolutely covered.

Asking someone to get help from a doctor is not ‘drugging them’

quote the law. I want chapter and verse. What law do you think is or might be being broken here. If you are going to continue to asert something is ilgal quote the law.

Yes it is. Trying to drug your partner into consenting to sex with you is coercion. That is illegal. It's a form of coercive control.

I am extremely concerned by your lack of understanding of consent and the law. YOU NEED TO GET HELP. You will end up committing sexual assault with this lack of understanding, if you haven't already. Just because you've got away with it so far doesn't mean you always will, particularly when you keep boasting online like this.

ok lets add to that. Asking your sexual partner to get their sexual disfunction treated is also not a crime.

These following things are not sex crimes

• Asking someone to have sex (especially someone you are in a relationship with)
• asking someone to get their sexual disfunction treated.

ok lets add to that. Asking your sexual partner to get their sexual disfunction treated is also not a crime.

These following things are not sex crimes

• Asking someone to have sex (especially someone you are in a relationship with)
• asking someone to get their sexual disfunction treated.

Why would you assume that?

I will repeat this because it's really the only relevant point in this whole discussion.

Having sex with someone who doesn't want sex is a crime.

Not having sex with someone who wants sex is not a crime.

No you’re not wiggling out of that one. We’re assuming fidelity is important to the partners in this situation. Would you care to answer again. Would you expect an asexual partner to take drugs to match the high sex drive caused by their partners antidepressants. Given infidelity isn’t an option?

would you expect the partner to not mention going back to the doctor when the obvious hornyness of the other partner bothered them?

Peter said:

What if it were an asexual couple. Only the doctor has given one of them an antidepressant that’s suddenly made them want to have sex all the time.

Cool, off they go and have it. Just don't involve an unwilling partner.

It really is important that you grasp the following point, and I don't think you currently do, so please read carefully:

Having sex with someone who doesn't want sex is a crime.

Not having sex with someone who wants sex is not a crime.

These are not morally or legally equivalent situations.

Again we advocate mentally unwell people being drugged here quiet often. We call it antidepressants. No one however is advocating people being drugged against their will.

what if the situation was reversed. What if it were an asexual couple. Only the doctor has given one of them an antidepressant that’s suddenly made them want to have sex all the time. And of course the other one is upset because they are asexual and can’t cope with the sexual behaviour and their partner suddenly wanting sex.

Would you say the partner is wrong if they ask them to go back to the doctor? Would you say the partner should start taking the antidepressant too to raise their sex drive?

Because that’s what you suggested for an antidepressant  that lowers sex drive so the same thing should hold for one that boosts it right?

Sexual coercion IS illegal and IS abuse. Encouraging someone to engage in it therefore violates NAS forum rule 12.

It's not OP who has crossed the line, it's those who advocate drugging a mentally unwell person into compliance.

For the record I never accused the OP of being a "Sex criminal" I merely reiterated the importance of respecting consent. "Don't end up a r*pist" isn't the same as "you are a r*pist". Education isn't accusatory or bullying. There have been no posts/replies calling for the OP to be locked up irl, nor banned from the forum. Just a handful of folk expressing the need for caution. You can disagree if you want but reminding people of that moral and legal point regarding consent for their own as much as anyone elses sakes isn't an act of unkindness.

Sure, I agree that things were being overly accusatory at times. But victims of coercive behaviour are going to struggle not to react strongly to what they might see as that kind of behaviour. Some of what the OP responded with made me a little uncomfortable but then I remember how intense I can be when Im frustrated. How I overstate things and struggle to get my point across to people. And so I give the benefit of the doubt that that is all it is. I think maybe in your attempt to present the other side here you were coming across a little uncaring about concerns for the partner and that riled a few people up. Not saying you were wrong or right but it may have caused others to be more entrenched in their views and more hostile. Again I hope OP and their partner are ok and that the community can respect each others feelings and the background that might lead to them. Because otherwise everyone seems really supportive.

Of course it’s one thing to have an opinion that something is a bad idea, that it’s insensitive, that it’s a bad way to handle relationship issues.

My concern is particularly people saying it’s a sex crime or predatory behaviour or In someway illegal or abusive. That’s quite a different character from just saying this behaviour is a bad idea or unhelpful or even unfair.

It's a complicated topic. I hope the OP is okay and I hope his/her partner is too. We are all here because we are autistic and autistic people struggle to communicate a lot and maybe that is what is happening here too. We are also all traumatized individuals for the most part.

I know you feel strongly for the OP because I think you can identify with some of his struggles. It is the same for the people who feel strongly for the OPs partner. As someone who has struggled with the dysfunctional sexual problems brought on by antidepressant medication I can understand the OPs frustration. I can also understand that maybe their communication could come across a little tangled and we need to be understanding of that. But as someone who was also forced to do things I didn't want to by a partner who didn't understand the struggles I was having I can also understand the fierce desire to protect the OPs partner from harm. At the end of the day everyone here wanted what was best for someone else and maybe that got a little skewed. 

To the OP: I hope you are ok and that you and your partner can communicate about your problems. That seems the key issue here. I think therapy with you both together would be really helpful so you can talk things through. If your relationship doesn't survive, it's ok to be sad. When you are ready, there will be other people out there that you might find more compatibility with. It's a difficult place to be in and I hope everyone involved can take care of themselves as best they can.

I don’t know if there’s anything more to be gained for further posting in this thread. It seems the OP has left and isn’t going to be responding anymore and frankly I don’t blame him. He said he came here to ask difficult questions about how best to approach his partner and I am going to assume that it is him until he says otherwise, about how best to approach his Neurotypical partner about the very sensitive and difficult issue of her sexual dysfunction (and I’m going to assume it’s her until I’m told otherwise). And instead of helpful and sympathetic advice he has been basically accused of being a sex criminal. “Man accused of being sex criminal for asking partner about when they might have sex again” sounds like a headline in the onion or private eye. Have no doubt what has taken place here is effectively bullying.l

Without any reasonable basis a small group of individuals have chosen to accuse someone coming looking for help here of being a sex criminal. If that’s not bullying I don’t know what is. And while he may not feel able to stand up and complain about it I certainly do. Is this the kind of welcoming forum we want where people who open up about extremely difficult and sensitive issues in their relationships with Neurotypical partners Will be accused of being sexual predators without rational basis? Never mind us being nice and respectful to each other how has the OP been treated? who was nice to him? Has he been treated respectfully?

Have no doubt what happened here was not social justice, it was not feminism, it was bullying. It should not be allowed to happen again.