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Low libido - really struggling

NAS80814

Hi

I tried to add a follow up post to one I had already made around this issue but couldn't figure it out so apologies

My partner's continued low libido due to taking medication is absolutely destroying me

I'm finding it so hard to cope, this is causing messed up sleeping, stimming by punching my head and really making my relationship with my partner so difficult. 

We have been lucky to get away to some nice places recently and I would have thought the change of scenery, nice hotel rooms, fancy clothes etc would have being a catalyst for intimacy but I'm left feeling destroyed after them because nothing happens and I feel even worse because I allowed myself to hope of something happening and this dashing of hope is one of the worst things

I allow myself the possibility of intimacy, even fantasize about it but when it doesn't happen it destroys me

I do appreciate its not my partner's fault and I struggle to not take it personally, but it still leaves me devastated that I can't even turn my partner on, it tanks my self esteem and makes me feel disgusting. 

After every rejection I feel like my heart's being ripped out. 

It even got to the stage where I was ready to give up, just to stop trying because what's the point??? The damage to me mentally because of constant rejection is piling up. 

It even got to the stage I was planning on not watching my partner get dressed to avoid the possibility of being turned on 

I feel this is a pretty Ducked up thing to do and goes against how I normally behave but I'm torturing myself by keeping trying , am I meant to just pretend I have no drive either??

I feel sick , get moody , struggle to sleep after every rejection. 

The only saving grace is me and my partner communicate about things pretty good, but conversations around sex are becoming 'im getting sick of having this conversation" but I feel as it not been resolved of course we are going to have this conversation over and over again. 

I love my partner to the moon and back , I truly do but I'm at a loss here, I don't want to lose them over a intimacy issue that's not really there fault. 

I discussed with my partner about speaking with their doctor around their medication and that went down like a lead balloon, I get my partner's condition is their priority and I'm not asking them to sacrifice their health for the sake of intimacy, I'm asking that the issues that are being caused by the medication are highlighted to the GP and see if there is there is any thing that could be done differently, to me that seems like a reasonable request but my partner's reaction to me suggests otherwise?

However I can't see that happening, so I'm left in limbo. 

This is months and months of near constant rejection, yes we have had spells that have been better but they never last and then I'm back to feeling hopeless and hurt again. 

I have no one to turn to, constant communication about this to my partner is going to be seen as pressure and I feel could possibly damage our relationship long term

I don't see a path forward, I'm totally at a loss and I would appreciate all your  Thought balloon Pray

Thanks 

  • I don't mean this is in an insensitive way, but as fustrating as it is to be in a relationship you feel has lost it's intimacy you never had an all access pass to another persons body anyway (relationship or not) and have probably been using the singletons best friend to type your post with, so the solution to your own sexual fustration is, ahem, at hand.

  • in reply to JT

    We do lots of that, we are the sad couple who always hold hands. Lol

    But I'm missing greatly the sexual connection we used to have. 

  • in reply to Bean

    We are both really struggling, I have tried something like that and it kinda works but still seen as pressure. 

    This pressure thing is a killer, I feel like crap now whenever I express myself sexually towards my partner because it's treated as pressure. 

    Would love to know how you dealt with it?

    Thanks Pray

  • in reply to Peter

    Thanks, I was never ever asking my partner to come off medication I was asking if they could speak to the doc about to see if their was suitable alternatives that would mean me and my partner could achieve some sort of sexual relationship. 

  • in reply to JFK

    Yeah it's definitely not on a list of priorities which I'm trying to understand, but at the same time it's affecting me and my mental health so where's does the line get drawn? Is my mental health not as important as theirs?

  • in reply to Peter

    I just can't get my partner to contemplate other medications, it just gets flung back at me that I'm more interested in sex than they're mental health, I'm lost. 

  • in reply to Caelus

    There is no real end date for these and the doctors are useless and just say yeah there are known side effects such as lack of libido but here's another 3 months supply off you pop. 

    My partner won't engage with the doc around any other possible medications. 

  • in reply to GuybrushThreepwood

    Yeah I suspect your right, it just feels wrong to shut off the sexual part of me, I'm a very flirty sexual person. 

    My partner isn't willing to engage in therapy nor speak to the doctor about any more medications to help, so I'm a stage where it sees I have to just grin and bear it. 

    Im still affectionate with my partner and they assure it's purely chemical and not to take it personally but I find that so hard to do. 

  • I would argue it is physical intimacy and connection you are missing, touch for example. As the sex part you can achieve by yourself in many ways.

    Why not suggest massage or the like? I would hope it would calm, soothe and bring you both closer together

  • in reply to HP35

    as far as I can see no one is doing that. When a drug causes sex drive issues doctors either A) swap it out for another that does the same thing or B) add a new drug to combat the effect of the first one.

  • in reply to Peter

    Less absurd than asking someone who is reliant on a medication to maintain their health to give it up.

  • As someone who has had medication cause this, there is nothing worse than someone putting pressure on you to do something you don't want to do either. Your partner is probably really struggling, and I doubt they are unaware of your difficulty with the situation too. I found from personal experience it helps to put off any intention of sex. Just fool around and then if something happens at some point, it happens. But you need to be okay that sex might not happen in these instances and make it clear to your partner. This way all the pressure is off on both sides which could be what is causing the problem to persist.

  • in reply to HP35

    You want the OP to take medication they don’t need, to chemically castrate themselves? You are aware of how absurd that sounds?

  • Could you take the same medication? It seems like your libido is what's causing problems in the relationship, so solutions should be targeted on fixing that.

  • I know when I took meds in the past they killed my libido,  that in combination with the psychological issues going on whilst having therapy lowered this on my list of priorities I'm afraid.  I was focused on getting my head sorted and not falling apart.  There was also an emotional numbing effect of the meds which might be occurring 

  • Depending on the type of medication aand the medical condition it may not be a compromise she has to make. I think that’s important to emphasise you’re not asking her  to do anything that will have a detrimental effect on her health. The most common type of medication I’m aware of that  would cause low libido would be antidepressants. It’s often possible to add antidepressants together in combinations to try and reverse that effect. there’re handful of antidepressants That’ve actually been known to increase libido. there’re  also now medications specifically targeting low libido in women. effectively medical science has invented a horny pill.

  • hang in there, she cant be on the meds forever right... can she? .. its not permanent meds is it?

    when she gets off meds and gets horny you should ignore her and tell her your not interested for months lol

  • This is a tough one, if the medication is causing a physiological barrier to arousal not much is going to change that. There may not be another option for medication, some conditions only seem to be treated by one thing or the other options may have horrible side effects. You say you already have good communication are you sure it is just the medication and not other issues? Nothing else has changed? Especially for women as an example our head has to be in the right place as well to find people attractive, if we have issues with our partner (maybe not helping around the house ever, always sleeping or playing games) it’s very hard to see them as an equal partner and not a teenage child (enormous turn off which can build over time until you crack) or if they have an addiction etc. I’m not saying that I think you are causing problems it’s just a reason why some people lose libido.  Could you speak to a therapist about dealing with the rejection as well especially as you are hurting yourself. Winding yourself up is possibly making it more of an issue than it needs to be if the rest of your relationship is great. Maybe “giving up trying” might be the way to go for a while, stop trying to initiate and give some space, do things together that have no pressure attached. if your partner is feeling pestered it can make libido worse and going away can put huge pressure on them if they feel like sex is a mandatory part of the trip.