This condition is cruel

Evening Boaty.

Gosh, your descriptions and contradictions sure do sound awfully familiar to me.  It is fabulous that you know you are 'transforming' somehow and that your wife is patiently holding on for the slow, ucomfortable and disconbobulating ride that you are now on together!

In my experience, it took time.  I'm not altogether sure that a formal diagnosis would in any way transform the way that your brain feels and operates......the confusion dissipates only slowly in any event.  The calmness has increased as the internal processing has got done - to my reasonable satisfaction....plus occasional "eureka" moments.  Its a process.  Its a journey.

I wish you well and I hope you stick around.  There are some really good minds in this place who help navigate for each other.  It is glorious if you keep your eyes and ears open.

All my best

Number.

Ok, so far, this is what I've noticed...

The waves are associated with reviewing my life now know that I'm autistic and traumatizing events/relationships.  When I am processing the trauma, I get real low.  I put my phone on do not disturb, disappear from everyone or shut down around them, drink alcohol, listen to music loud enough to interrupt my thoughts, vomit, have tremors, and wake up completely drenched in sweat.

Once I've processed some of the trauma, take a break from everything, and come back, I get really happy, learn about my special interest (rn it's autism), engage with my friends, seek out socialization, don't drink, sleep well, catch up on emails, etc.  This lasts until I learn something knew about autism that puts a previous traumatic event into perspective, and I crash again.  Repeat the cycle like a laundromat.

Yes, they are quite accommodating.  Regarding the job, it's a win-win for all because I pull in very good teacher evaluations that are always above the mean for the department, college, and university-wide.  So, they definitely want me to teach since it improves their numbers.  Since I'm adjunct, I can decline to teach whenever I want.  Also, since I'm crazy prepared about finances because I grew up dirt poor, I learned to live modestly and saved up a lot once I started making middle-class money.  I can take long hits to income and still be fine.

Regarding the autism support program, it's a blessing.  I have been impressed with their services and genuine care. 

I'm very lucky.

Bonus: the ASD specialist I saw yesterday said nearly the same thing you said about congratulating me for how far I've come.  Thank you very much for the compliment.  Sometimes I beat myself up and don't recognize my achievements, so the acknowledgment is helpful at reframing my life.

Sounds familiar! Let me know if you ever find a pattern to these waves, because for me finding a pattern would be a big win

Yep

Nice to know there are others in a similar position. I'd like to start setting a "personal code" for navigating all of this, but (a) not sure this would be compatible with daily life; and (b) my mood changes so often that setting routines is a real challenge - I can sometimes face difficulty and handle tricky interpersonal stuff, but this doesn't follow much of a pattern! 

Best of luck with your moving and dreams. I hope everything works out the way you want to.When I'm older I'll move away as well, by the sea but alone if I can. I find neighbours too noisy and distracting.

Your University sounds so enthusiastic and supportive with your struggles. I wish my school had a similar system.

Well done for how far you've come. At times, when you struggle look back at what you've achieved and remind yourself that you can overcome whatever life's throwing at you. Nice to know you have your friends you can turn to if needed as well.

Thank you, and good luck with your move and aspirations!  They sounds pretty exciting.

That sounds really positive. We plan to move to a different region of the U.K. in the next couple of years and I’m determined that when we move we’re going to make a real effort on the social side of things, and connect with anything autism friendly locally. I’ve realised that the people we most easily relate to and enjoy talking to are other neurodivergent people. Obvious really in many ways! 

Yes. We only have one life and we have the right to at least try to enjoy a lot of it. I was only diagnosed this year (in my mid-fifties) and I’m still trying to work out all the complexities of that, and telling people has been interesting. My Dad barely said a word. Not positive, not negative - just a sort of ‘nothing much’ response! 

We had a holiday recently - myself and my husband really benefited from it, but my son really didn’t. We didn’t want to come home, and my son was glad to come home! You can’t always predict how these things will make you feel. Generally I do find a trip away helpful because it breaks the routines/patterns of my anxiety and sort of ‘resets’ me. Sometimes anyway! But either way coming back can be complicated. 

That’s a great idea :) 

I feel a real sense of community on here and it really means a lot

That was very well said.  I feel like I am going to through a similar experience, but mine is wavy.  Sometimes I'm really exhausted and confused, while other times I'm excited with confidence.  This revelation has seriously damage what I think of myself, others, previous relationships, and world view.  I'm 41, and it's as if everything I have ever believed in the social arena was invalid.  So, now I stand here with nothing.  How do I navigate life?  How to navigate work?  How do I navigate relationships?  How do I manage my feelings?  Ultimately, the question is, what am I supposed to do?  No one ever taught me how to be autistic.

I'm lucky enough to be on a 5-month vacation since I teach at a university and can decline to teach any semester I want.  I've been using this time to try to figure things out.  I've been learning a lot about autism and neurotypicality to understand the differences and create new perspectives and expectations about social interaction and relationships.  I've also been on here asking questions to help get through the points where I get stuck.  It's also helpful to see others in this community share difficulties and advice because it shows me how similar our lives are.  Another help is to rely heavily on a few set of friends for support and understanding.  Luckily, they're autistic, so they get me and enjoy having deep conversations rather than small talk. 

The last thing I've been doing is trying to engage in the local autism community.  My local university has a free program for autistic people that provides support, guidance, and social opportunities.  I was assigned an Autism Disorder Specialist that encourages me to email them with any questions I may have.  It's really nice to have someone to just check-in with and review situations because it helps me re-learn how to live.

This condition is a tiresome joke with no punchline.

Ah mate, cruel is good word to describe the ‘ism, because it feels deliberately unpleasant to hinder feeling peace around others.I hear you about the battling through (diagnosed age 42, married with child, working etc). But since diagnosis, I’m increasingly realising that I’m still beating myself with the ‘able-ist’ stick: I have had a career and appear normal, so I should be able to cope with it all. Truth is, I can’t, and I want to feel happy and content, so I am increasingly pulling back from others. I hope your nearest and dearest can understand and support you in this, as difficult as it may be for them to understand, because I feel it is necessary. You sound like you feel ground down, and you need time and space to be able to replenish mental reserves. Nothing wrong with that. 
I hope you feel better for having got your thoughts out into forum-land. 

I'm fortunate not to work, for a living, but I still have issues with time-management.

I'm nocturnal, by nature, in a diurnal world.

Similar if I get a diagnosis I'm not expecting it to be transformative, not immediately at least, but I won't know without trying. The adult world is a minefield... no easy way through it. Thanks for your comments

Thanks Kate.

We have a local meetup coming up this weekend.  Fingers crossed it goes ok. My first attemp at socializing in a long time.

Very tempting! We've had some good slow-paced holidays as a family recently, which have been enjoyable but I wouldn't say restorative because afterwards I'm still in avoidance mode! Making the case to go away solo would be high stakes... what if I come back not feeling better?! Love the cogs analogy