Published on 12, July, 2020
Sorry for first post here being a downbeat and inward-focussed one. This community seems wonderful, having hovered around for a few weeks.
Just need somewhere to offload sense of despair and cruelty of (my particular variety of) neurodivergence. Age 38, recently screened for Autism and beginning the three year wait for assessment.
Meanwhile, having held so much together for years (family, job, voluntary/leisure), everything is falling apart. Past five years have involved admitting vulnerability, making lifestyle changes, and being well supported by those around me. But it's just getting worse.
I thought that by striving and facing every difficulty and discomfort, and trying to hold my own in a world I don't understand, I would become more resilient but it's the complete opposite. I'm fully depleted and have no fight or assertiveness left. It's hurting those around me so much as I withdraw and avoid things and don't communicate properly.
I've sought support through various channels but they're all designed to equip you to face your difficulties, but I'm done facing my difficulties. I've proved I can do it, but any joy/satisfaction from functioning and overcoming difficulty is dwarfed by the miserable sense of inferiority and the giant uphill struggle involved.
People around me ask, earnestly, "how can we help"? I cannot give an answer to this question, as I'm so full of contradictions, shifting perspectives, and internal conflict that, while I'll sometimes contrive to give an answer to remove the awkwardness, the honest one is "I just don't know".
This condition is cruel.
Please keep trying dude.
I have long suspected i am autistic and my recent research means i am now certain. It is a suprise to me, the psychological difference between being fairly sure and being certain.
I would like to think that the knowledge that i am both autistic and dealing with the effects of childhood emotional neglect is going to help me move forward. At the moment it has changed little.
I have gone 10 years with no irl social interaction outside of work and my remaining relatives.
I am yet to be convinced that i am capable of meaningful or maintained social interaction, in no small part because i have no idea if people like me or hate me, whether they want me around, simply tolerate me, or are constantly dropping hints that they want me to f off.
While i know some are happy to be autistic, i find this horrible.
All i can do at this point is try to dig myself out of the dark hole i find myself in.
I am trying. Exercise helps, eating better and generally taking better care of myself is good ... but the people who i would like to be more friendly with ... i just dont have a clue ... not the first idea how i am supposed to achieve that.
Find the next problem, fix that, then repeat.
There is a lot that is great about the world ... i just need some way to improve this social stuff. Suggestions?
Similar if I get a diagnosis I'm not expecting it to be transformative, not immediately at least, but I won't know without trying. The adult world is a minefield... no easy way through it. Thanks for your comments
Evening Boaty.
Gosh, your descriptions and contradictions sure do sound awfully familiar to me. It is fabulous that you know you are 'transforming' somehow and that your wife is patiently holding on for the slow, ucomfortable and disconbobulating ride that you are now on together!
In my experience, it took time. I'm not altogether sure that a formal diagnosis would in any way transform the way that your brain feels and operates......the confusion dissipates only slowly in any event. The calmness has increased as the internal processing has got done - to my reasonable satisfaction....plus occasional "eureka" moments. Its a process. Its a journey.
I wish you well and I hope you stick around. There are some really good minds in this place who help navigate for each other. It is glorious if you keep your eyes and ears open.
All my best
Number.