Published on 12, July, 2020
Sorry for first post here being a downbeat and inward-focussed one. This community seems wonderful, having hovered around for a few weeks.
Just need somewhere to offload sense of despair and cruelty of (my particular variety of) neurodivergence. Age 38, recently screened for Autism and beginning the three year wait for assessment.
Meanwhile, having held so much together for years (family, job, voluntary/leisure), everything is falling apart. Past five years have involved admitting vulnerability, making lifestyle changes, and being well supported by those around me. But it's just getting worse.
I thought that by striving and facing every difficulty and discomfort, and trying to hold my own in a world I don't understand, I would become more resilient but it's the complete opposite. I'm fully depleted and have no fight or assertiveness left. It's hurting those around me so much as I withdraw and avoid things and don't communicate properly.
I've sought support through various channels but they're all designed to equip you to face your difficulties, but I'm done facing my difficulties. I've proved I can do it, but any joy/satisfaction from functioning and overcoming difficulty is dwarfed by the miserable sense of inferiority and the giant uphill struggle involved.
People around me ask, earnestly, "how can we help"? I cannot give an answer to this question, as I'm so full of contradictions, shifting perspectives, and internal conflict that, while I'll sometimes contrive to give an answer to remove the awkwardness, the honest one is "I just don't know".
This condition is cruel.
sounds like vacation time, have you considered going on holiday?how about challenging yourself with those long walk hiking trails that take days and you wild camp as you do it?i think how society has it, is that we are all supposed to feel inferior alone, as we are all but little tiny cogs in a larger machine. alone we are nothing, inferior, but each little cog still is important to the functioning of the overal machine no matter how inferior and small that cog is. a cog can be worn and tired and need removing servicing and greasing and derusting or whatever, this is often in human terms the form of holidays, spa days, resorts, massages and so on. retreats, long walks, time alone on a mountain to think and perhaps clear the mind or maybe to not think and just take the world in.
Very tempting! We've had some good slow-paced holidays as a family recently, which have been enjoyable but I wouldn't say restorative because afterwards I'm still in avoidance mode! Making the case to go away solo would be high stakes... what if I come back not feeling better?! Love the cogs analogy