Published on 12, July, 2020
Sorry for first post here being a downbeat and inward-focussed one. This community seems wonderful, having hovered around for a few weeks.
Just need somewhere to offload sense of despair and cruelty of (my particular variety of) neurodivergence. Age 38, recently screened for Autism and beginning the three year wait for assessment.
Meanwhile, having held so much together for years (family, job, voluntary/leisure), everything is falling apart. Past five years have involved admitting vulnerability, making lifestyle changes, and being well supported by those around me. But it's just getting worse.
I thought that by striving and facing every difficulty and discomfort, and trying to hold my own in a world I don't understand, I would become more resilient but it's the complete opposite. I'm fully depleted and have no fight or assertiveness left. It's hurting those around me so much as I withdraw and avoid things and don't communicate properly.
I've sought support through various channels but they're all designed to equip you to face your difficulties, but I'm done facing my difficulties. I've proved I can do it, but any joy/satisfaction from functioning and overcoming difficulty is dwarfed by the miserable sense of inferiority and the giant uphill struggle involved.
People around me ask, earnestly, "how can we help"? I cannot give an answer to this question, as I'm so full of contradictions, shifting perspectives, and internal conflict that, while I'll sometimes contrive to give an answer to remove the awkwardness, the honest one is "I just don't know".
This condition is cruel.
That was very well said. I feel like I am going to through a similar experience, but mine is wavy. Sometimes I'm really exhausted and confused, while other times I'm excited with confidence. This revelation has seriously damage what I think of myself, others, previous relationships, and world view. I'm 41, and it's as if everything I have ever believed in the social arena was invalid. So, now I stand here with nothing. How do I navigate life? How to navigate work? How do I navigate relationships? How do I manage my feelings? Ultimately, the question is, what am I supposed to do? No one ever taught me how to be autistic.
I'm lucky enough to be on a 5-month vacation since I teach at a university and can decline to teach any semester I want. I've been using this time to try to figure things out. I've been learning a lot about autism and neurotypicality to understand the differences and create new perspectives and expectations about social interaction and relationships. I've also been on here asking questions to help get through the points where I get stuck. It's also helpful to see others in this community share difficulties and advice because it shows me how similar our lives are. Another help is to rely heavily on a few set of friends for support and understanding. Luckily, they're autistic, so they get me and enjoy having deep conversations rather than small talk.
The last thing I've been doing is trying to engage in the local autism community. My local university has a free program for autistic people that provides support, guidance, and social opportunities. I was assigned an Autism Disorder Specialist that encourages me to email them with any questions I may have. It's really nice to have someone to just check-in with and review situations because it helps me re-learn how to live.
Sounds familiar! Let me know if you ever find a pattern to these waves, because for me finding a pattern would be a big win
Ok, so far, this is what I've noticed...The waves are associated with reviewing my life now know that I'm autistic and traumatizing events/relationships. When I am processing the trauma, I get real low. I put my phone on do not disturb, disappear from everyone or shut down around them, drink alcohol, listen to music loud enough to interrupt my thoughts, vomit, have tremors, and wake up completely drenched in sweat.Once I've processed some of the trauma, take a break from everything, and come back, I get really happy, learn about my special interest (rn it's autism), engage with my friends, seek out socialization, don't drink, sleep well, catch up on emails, etc. This lasts until I learn something knew about autism that puts a previous traumatic event into perspective, and I crash again. Repeat the cycle like a laundromat.