Published on 12, July, 2020
Does anyone else feel like I do?I feel lonely and desperate for friends to talk to but at the same time I don't like having to talk to people and I want to be at home with just me and my family and shut the world out and not have to see anyone or text anyone
It feels like quite a contradiction but so does much of my life
Also, I think its hard for me as I feel I can't truly be myself with most people, especially NT's
I wouldn’t say that I’m lonely and I don’t like interacting with people. I would say that I’m lonely and the people around me I struggle to relate to and often find quite boring.
it’s extremely difficult to make a connection with another human being unless you can find something you both find interesting to talk about. And sometimes the more you talk to people and discover what it is they are interested in the more you realise they are truly boring people and the less motivation you feel to push through and continue talking to them.
I think people seem to forget that the special interest thing in autism goes both ways. It’s not just a special interest in one or two things it’s also those things that we are not interested in we are totally disinterested in. Like we display anti-interest to certain, things quite a lot of things, that sit outside of our special interests.
that to make it hard to find common ground with Neurotypical, socially. I can make it hard to find common ground with autistic people whose special interests are completely dissimilar to our own.
That's when I start writing for hours.. conversations written on paper. It helps to vocalise all the voices I have in my mind to feel less lonely :D
I find that there are people at my workplace who are sound. But when I reflect on it, they are just too hard to be around due to me having to think relatively carefully of what to say. Then there are people I don't so much mind what I say based on what they will think, so much as what I will think. I have an internal bully that acts as a very high hurdle when I think of getting new friends. I always think twice, though I want them. It is only really people where I work that I interact with on a day to day basis. I feel close to some more than others, but there is always that gap on the one hand from my perspective of how much I need to preform, on the other hand from their perspective how cold they think I am... but in any case I always turn down social invitations as it causes me stress after they have happened.
I don't write that entirely out of self pity! Just so you can understand my point of view.
oh yes. online chat like this is about my limit.i am going to try an irl meetup in a couple of weeks. That will be my first attempt at socialisation in maybe 10 years. (outside work)