Adult autistic son refuses to leave the house!

Hi, I hope it's ok to say this but I see this situation differently. I am autistic as well and 26 years old. You say that the pandemic and COVID "set you back". I don't see it that way. I'm sure you have experienced one of the following: imagine you are in a job that is very toxic and that is wearing you down and not good for your health. Whilst you are working and have this job you might realise it is not optimal but often only when you leave that job or have a longer time away from it, will you recognise just how much of an impact it is having on your health. Or someone that has had lots of digestive issues due to an undiagnosed intolerance (eg. lactose intolerance), they might only realise how bad they felt once they stop eating the triggering food. The point I am trying to make is that when you are in a non-optimal situation or environment, you often don't realise the full extent of the impact it is having until you are removed from it or the situation is remedied. This is what happened during the pandemic probably for your son. The world is not a place that is well adapted and suited for autistic people and over years it can really wear us down. When some of those stresses were removed during the lockdown, your son probably became even more aware just how much of a negative impact going out etc had on him. This is very normal and it is not necessarily a bad thing. Because it is very important to know what situations eg. going out to the shops to do groceries in your son's case, are causing us stress. Over time, autistic people are very prone to burnout due to constantly living with all of these stress factors and trying to mask and adapt to the world which poses many challenges. I think being aware of what is most stressful is important and it is even good to then avoid some of these stress factors in future if practical- for example, where is the harm in just ordering food rather than going to the shops? 

I think where it becomes an issue is if not being able to go out of the house is stopping you from doing things you really want to do or if you have a job and you can't work remotely all the time and need to go out. Or maybe for a doctor's visit etc. Is there actually a need for your son to go out at this point? It might seem that by not going out now, he'll be less able to do so again in future- this might be true in part because we become desensitised and less able to tolerate the stress. But it can actually also be beneficial to have this break to actually recover from all those years and years where we were exposed to all of those situations, and ultimately that rest can make us more able to cope with stressful situations in future. 

I think the key really is to pick your battles- what is necessary? Does your son go out for work? Are there any activities that your son likes or used to like that require him to go out? If yes, then I think you can use that as a goal- but I would give it time. It can take longer than you think to recover from burnout and stress. And if you can set a goal, then start small. It's all about picking your battles in my opinion. I can see that you are really concerned about your son not going out and that you are worried he wouldn't be able to go out if he really had to- but I am not sure it is true that he wouldn't be able to go out if he really had to- i think it is likely the lockdown just opened his eyes to what impact certain things have on his health and it has helped identify the biggest stress factors and also shown your son some very good alternatives which make his life better (like online groceries). I believe that if your son had a goal that required him to go out, he will be able to tackle this. It might be difficult at first. I might be completely wrong, but it seems to me that at this point, he probably just doesn't have a good enough incentive for him to go out of the house. 

I don't know if this makes any sense. I don't personally have issues with leaving the house, though I do like to do office work remotely (I'm a neuroscientist). But I did really love the lockdown and it also made me more aware of certain factors that are stressful. I've also experienced burnout multiple times ( in part due to toxic work environments, not realising I was autistic, hyperfocus, masking etc) and I think it is very important to be aware of your needs and what causes stress and to strike the right balance between letting yourself avoid unnecessary stress whilst still being able to do the essentials. 

I can relate I don’t leave the house the pandemic was the same for me peace and quiet lovely, you can shop online buy most things online, you can live without leaving the house. I have a counsellor she’s trying to encourage me to leave the house, but I had a stalker so it’s a mixture of both stalker and autism. Don’t go the meds route counselling doesn’t help. Give him time you may have to push his limits abit but slowly kind regards 

I understand.  My son is 29 and also embraced the pandemic lifestyle of staying home, not having visitors in our home, and would rather order what he needs vs ever going into a store.  He seems to enjoy our company but I, too, worry about who will guide him if something should happen to my me or my husband.  I have reached a point where I consider telling my son he needs to leave the house for X number of trips per week - or I will insist he seeks treatment with a therapist.  Of course, I can't really enforce much.  COVID really set us back.

I use an app from Smart Engines to scan everything I need. I think this program will work for your purposes as well. I used my phone camera to scan QR codes.

Thank you for your comments, yes i have started to look for supports and spoke to the supervisor of the service he has today, i will meet with them this week and they will make a plan for him.

Very much in agreement with you, I stress that I also understand all the other interventions in the conversation I understand them very well not only having read but lived them.


I think CBT when adapted to the autistic spectrum is very helpful.

I recommend: never accept that an autistic person closes himself in reasoning of this type.

It is necessary to react immediately: always in a kind and sensible way.

But decided.

He is 23 years old: he used the road of isolation.

Instead it really has enormous possibilities of being helped and it can be done


In the meantime, I would ask a psychologist, for example, how to communicate with him in the most appropriate way to help him.

Might he try CBT? 
The longer he avoids it, the worse the problem becomes. Small steps over time, and he might really make progress. I guess he needs to find something that catches his interest so he has to leave the house to participate. A companion might be helpful with this. Do you have a dog? Taking it for a walk would be very beneficial and something easy to work up towards,

I have found that exhortation works better than insight when dealing with depressed or anxious individuals.

I was living with my family for years, I found that feelings of adventure and curiosity best suited me, an individual who is worried-about and advised-at can further embed themselves in their safe place, even if that safe place is more of a tomb than a sanctuary. You would be surprised at the lengths that a person with poor executive function will go to avoid doing; sometimes it is all that we can do to be ready for when inspiration strikes; I found that NEET courses gave me a lot of inspiration to work with.

Sometimes a person with Autism needs their obsession to beguile them into leaving the house: an expo, a short-course, the cinema or a friend/partner-in-crime. Just think of it as fishing, when the inspiration bites and your son is reeling-it-in, be ready with the net. If allowed to and supported to follow their interests, an autistic individual will pull themselves along, the more exposure they have the more competent they will be, just be sure to mitigate the push-back into isolation. Sometimes a parent can be facilitating, or even promoting, regression and stagnation and not be aware of it.

Having said that may I offer my condolences for your Husband? It cannot be easy to lose part of your unit, I hope you and your son find the right way, I think the best way is to work from strength to strength.

I found my best friend at the Princes Trust in 2019, he is Autistic and had been in his room for years as had I, he helped me through my diagnosis two weeks ago.

Just because your son is isolated now does not mean that he cannot hope to find a place in the community; NEET courses are remarkably laid back and focus mostly on a student attendance and rooting-in-the-community. 
There is also the possibility that you could lead by example and do some extracurricular activities of your own, incentivise your son to inspire himself, once in a hopeful mindset there is no telling where you may end up.. I hope this helps..)

yeah alot end like that but eventually they progress in their own time, for me it took me until i was 32 lol so you may have a long wait...

he will play video games until he has exhausted all fun out of them and gets bored, he will think on life and realise how pointless it is and how impossible and stacked against him it is. he will eventually look for ways to exist, and the pieces may fall into place. its a long process to heal from both systematic abuse and then try and make life work when life is all about making it as impossible as it can be to pin us all down into poverty. i got lucky on investments which made me a lump sum and made it so i could see a path through work and so on. theres no hope in life, and he has to find that hope and see the possibilities... but yeah, life is set out to be dire and lacking of any hope so its no wonder none of us want to proceed with this system.

Hi , Pleasure .

Don't you have someone who can help you communicate with him?
Because it must be made to understand that it is wrong to do so.

He was able to get out of the house first.

Now he has learned a wrong way and uses it to never go out again.

I understand that, but I also understand your logical fears.

There are therapies that can help him think differently and learn social skills.

We start slowly but when we commit ourselves we do it with a lot of perseverance.

He's also of a suitable age to be able to tell him, but it's better to get help, he communicates in his own way.

In the meantime, try to tell him a few sentences about it and motivate him to leave the house, even if for a short time.

I have been Hikikomori and I know what happens if it gets worse.