Published on 12, July, 2020
Since my later in life diagnosis of autism I’ve heard a lot of people telling me that the only way to manage my autism on a daily basis requires my being subject to ultra strict discipline in every area of my life by those deemed best qualified to do so - such people believe that such “tough love” is needed in order to be “cruel to be kind” and is deemed to be “for my own good” because it is deemed that I “do not understand that I am always wrong by default” and “must not attempt to form (nor especially express) any views nor opinions on any issues” because I’m “coming from the space of and looking through the prism of dysfunction” can only be rectified through changing to the “positive” mindset of total obedience without question to the opinions of others (who are, in thier views, always deemed to be “right” on every issue) - I’m wondering what people think of this, as people constantly tell me that I need to be constantly “kept firmly in check” “put and kept firmly in my place” and “knocked back a peg or ten”
One important reason was the hypocrisy and non-acceptance that I have (consistently) experienced from the gay community due to my background and that I was raised an only child which made my being gay at that time less real and less valid in thier opinions - gays want acceptance and seek to dominate everything but they don’t accept someone like me long before I was diagnosed - I first came out as gay as a teenager in the 1980’s and had instant non-acceptance - I tried in many ways over many years and it was always the same, up to 15 years ago when I’d had enough, especially after seeing thier behaviour regarding children’s issues - prejudice and discrimination (within) the (hypocritical) LGBT “community” remains an (unresolved) issue and given what I’ve seen from them since, given also the warnings I’d previously had about this from older gay men in the 1980’s who experienced similar, I don’t see myself going back there anytime soon
This just helped me, thank you!
Traditional Irish Catholic Culture and the traditional Catholic Social Teachings of thier generations has a lot to do with it, which is why I sent them along to Catholic Theologans in Maynooth who are experienced in Canon Law to show them that they are in grave error and are committing sins that they will have to Confess once thier conscience is properly informed of the grave matter that is leading them into mortal sin
At the end of the day, if these others have little impact on your life, it's ok to live and let live. Create a slow fade with your relationship with them. Neurotic behaviour is encoded into Non-Autistics through a different type of traumatising we don't tend to experience. They need authenticity because no one is truly unique according to Jung's persona. One sees it in this tribal behaviour with a very overwhelming need to belong which outweighs our experience of being marginalised for the sake of what is true. There is a disconnect in many ways and it sounds to me as though these others are reinforcing their opinion out of a type of fear: fear of exclusion. Associations have an impact: "If I'm associated with someone who is not 'fitting in' with our group dynamics, there's a possibility I could be pulled out of the inclusion and externalised". This would be like severing a tie in the middle of the ocean. We'd feel a bit of rejection but work out how to swim. For the neurotic, it's suicide.
We all have our difficulties. If you can create a distance from the individuals stating these things, I'd do so and if they care to insert their unsolicited advice your way again, it could be good to smile and nod and just respond with "well, you're entitled to your opinion, but this is my life to live." Everyone wants their own soap box, but we just don't need them in OUR garden. :)
I get “wind your neck in” “cut it out” “grow up” and many similar things all the time from people who simply refuse to understand and who insist that I need ultra strict Millitary style discipline and either a live in carer (priest or nun) or long term residential placement to manage my condition and who regard everything I say and do as nonsense because it comes from me, as I’m deemed to not understand that I’m wrong by default in every situation until an expert steps in and tells them otherwise - funny how they don’t get to enforce thier opinions as I’ve said to some of them to do so, as much of this I’ve had in the supermarkets and elsewhere long before my diagnosis in 2021, but since my diagnosis, some of them have doubled down and seen my diagnosis as a green light to step up such behaviour and they also twist religious teachings and anything else to justify thier behaviour
Sorry mate, I'm not sure I understand how your response relates to my post? You start by saying "For the same reasons, I also cut all ties.......". What reasons? Sorry if I'm being dumb.....would like to understand if you can help me?
I’ve felt much of this and at times, I’ve often felt like putting these people in contact with a Catholic theologian so that they can be clearly shown how thier interpretation of Catholic Social Teachings is in grave error, as they are basing much of thier opinions on the “simple” Catholic faith, which lies at the root of thier attitudes, as thier minds are stuck in what they see as traditional Catholic “faith and morals”
Having done the research I'd like to LOL in what amounts to no subtle irony - but first, what bad manners! Tough love should be cost something - it's sacrificial benefiting the other. Tough love is the act of the cross, should anyone like to bring catholicism into this and I don't hear anyone in the above sacrificing themselves on your behalf.
This is classic Neurotic behaviour: riddled with presumption and arrogance. According to a philosophical delve into the ethics of modern society with it's polarities between the Autistic Analytic and the Neurotic Paranoiac, if anyone cannot be 'cured', it's the neurotic, who's system of engaging with the social milieu (environment) contains this ongoing exchange of Guilt + Debt they cannot seem to break free of due to the need to dominate socially.
No one is perfect, but goodness. Everyone deserves a chance to thrive, everyone is worthwhile. Psychology and self-help will remind all of us (Autistic or not) we all have a sort of prism which can modify our perspective of the world. But how neurotics reason with one another and reason out of their prisms of dysfunction is beyond me! Especially when language keeps shape-shifting and everyone can dull their senses to some degree. When one can lie to the self and others due to the nature of social-relations being more important than the physics of things around them.
I'm one for vigilance and forming new habits (but one thing at a time) and disseminating a complexity to find the principle of a thing, but not at the expense of the whole integrated self. And not at the expense of an other I care about. Sometimes we have to remove ourselves from overbearing individuals if we can, find solitude and safety and a way to exit survival mode, often find ways to heal from a life of trauma. Others do not have to live your life and words cost them little. In fact, be sure whoever said these actually recalls the statements they make - I've learned most will say a thing without effort and forget they said it, caring little about the impact just announcing nonsense because they feel they must.
It strikes me that there are unkind people in all walks of life. We expect kindness, understanding and patience from our family and friends and it is hurtful and demoralising when we don’t get it. Most people act unkindly because they are frightened by what they don’t understand. When those that should understand us because they are in the same boat as us are unpleasant and discriminating it leaves us wondering where we can go. I’m sorry that this has been such a struggle for you.
For the same reasons, I also cut all ties with the gay community over 15 years ago after experiencing similar prejudice and discrimination from (within) the LGBT community on the Dublin gay scene from my teenage years in the 1980’s in Ireland - this prejudice and discrimination from within the LGBT community was even greater when I first moved to Manchester 20 years ago and I simply became tired of it - I tried to raise the issues at the time, but was totally dismissed and ignored at every stage, long before my diagnosis was ever even a thing - I’ve long known that from people who should know better, prejudice and discrimination from within the gay community remains an unresolved issue to this day and therefore I no longer associate with nor support LGBT issues as a consequence, given what I’ve been hearing from other younger and older LGBT workmates at my current workplace, as they have experienced similar, even in “non-profit” LGBT spaces outside of the commercial gay scene
The manner in which you have displayed the underlying concept is obviously not at all favourable and as others have said quite reasonably, reads as abuse. Personally, in my life, I don't like to abruptly discount all the "parts" due to the overall perception of the "whole" given.
Whilst others often scream at me "it's broken, you must throw it away"...I will look at it carefully and see what parts are worth saving. I do this to an extreme degree that is almost certainly not healthy, but can readily acknowledge that. It frustrates me greatly that the "screamers" cannot also acknowledge that their go-to "chuck it out now" is similarly employed to an unhealthy degree.
Personally, I am seeking balance and moderation in all things - and that includes my autistic reality.
So, to bring this back to the matter at hand that you have raised Irish, I would comment as follows......
Perhaps listen to Temple Grandin. She is my type of odd-ball = bright, confident and wanting to help. She suggests a certain dosage of most things is appropriate, and I agree. The challenge, my friend, is working out how much of everything is the right amount FOR YOU !
I’m 52 and although living in the U.K. 20 years, I’m from a traditional Irish Catholic religious/cultural background, having also worked 30 years (not by choice) in supermarket retailing, where I also get frequently told by some extended family members to “cop yourself on” where such people believe that I need to become more obedient, where they maintain that ultra-strict military-style discipline is deemed to be the only way to manage my autism on a daily basis, especially after my later in life diagnosis
On the face of it, this seems like controlling and coercive behaviour which can be a form of abuse. If someone was a danger to themselves or others than some sort of control might be needed but life without freedom is not a life at all.
Sounds like these people have no idea about autism and how it affects you as an individual. Yes it can make us more challenging to be around but that isn’t 100% of the time. Is there any way you can focus on things you like doing and maybe find a group of people with the same interests who you can have some down time with? Obviously I don’t know who these people are who are treating you this way but if they care about you perhaps you could suggest that they help you to research autism and how it affects people and how to cope with the challenges which may in turn help them to be more sympathetic/empathetic. I don’t know if any of this is any help but maybe it will be. I’m really sorry that you are experiencing this. At least no ne on here is judging you
Sounds like aload of rubbish of me, and adusive. I am 53 and I give myself more time and don't put myself under preassure. At the weekends I tend to have a day for myself, I may go out and do something, or nothing at all. You must do what you feel is best for you, not be dictated by others. We are all diffrent but do what best gets you through the day while dealing with the people and things around you.
My initial response to this is just "No". "Wind your neck in" is another thing people say. The world would be very boring if we all thought the same and I never get why, if people are so confident in their views or decisions, why someone scrutinising or challenging it is painted as difficult or the villain. I'm trying to distance myself from some of the people in my life who think that way as for me they're toxic.
Frankly it sounds abusive. Unless you are actually dangerous I see no reason to treat any adult this way.
A silenced life is not life at all, merely an existence. We're not chess pieces to be moved about at the whim of masters.