Advice about hugging and similar forms of affection

I share double  awkward huggs with my adult daughter, she is also an autistic, 

my son who is NT doesn’t try anymore, we have come to terms with fist bumps.

I have a distant memory from when I was very young (6 or 7) of my mother trying to kiss me and tuck me in bed; I must have been half asleep and took the attempt of hitting out to defend myself!  I don’t thing she ever tried again, and as I’ve got older I realised no one in our family ever was much into touching or overt expressions of affection.  Back then no one knew anything about autism as such, although I thing the symptoms were all there on show and it’s only now in my mid-60’s have I begun to realise my weirdness is due to high functioning autism (albeit undiagnosed)

Doesn’t seem daft at all to me! I have never been a hugger as I’ve always been uncomfortable with physical contact with others and unable to know how or when to initiate a hug.  On the odd occasion when someone has tried to initiate one I always feel awkward with it. Most people I know are used to this behaviour but probably not why.

Dirt cheap used on eBay. It's a mix of light and heavy going, but of immense practical use I found.

Games People Play? I’ll look into that, thanks! 

Read the book I recommend in my bio. That's how I learned this very important life lesson. 

Hugs are important. Even I know that...

I think sudden touch is difficult. My parents (I still live with them...) sometimes put their arms around me suddenly, or my Dad gives me a kind of friendly back slap, and I try to take it as it's meant, in good spirits, but I often do jump or flinch. I think my parents got somewhat upset about that so I try not to show it, which I guess is me masking again for the benefit of others (I'm slowly realising just how much I mask and how bad it's been for me).

That’s an interesting one. I’m a very even tempered person (anxiety aside) but I’ve kind of exploded into annoyance in the past at the wrong kind of touch. A mischievous poke in the ribs by a sibling when I didn’t see it coming. Or my mum playfully hitting me with a spoon or something when tidying the kitchen. I’d kind of go almost feral before catching myself The one time I failed  to control my anger when it happened (many years ago now, I was a teenager) I pushed my older sister back on annoyance and she fell awkwardly and spilled her wee after dinner treat (custard) all over the counter. She was upset. I felt instant remorse about it, and it still makes me want to cry thinking about her losing that wee comfort just because I let my shock at being playfully poked in the ribs enrage me. I’m not proud of it. 

To me, that kind of contact is very different though. It’s ‘pointy’ or ‘jabby’ - good humoured in intent or gently mischievous but horrible in effect. A short sharp shock. I suppose being occasionally poked but never hugged (after about the age of six maybe, my mother -only- would have been tactile enough early on) was the deal when growing up. So I found most touch unpleasant. Then the very occasional hug from a friend would come up in life and I’d realise what I was missing. 

I'm so glad to hear that - it's such a wonderful and wise community, so many amazing members here who can offer support and advice :) 

I love this community. It's an amazing place!

I get a bit of an adrenaline spike if someone makes contact with me and I’m not expecting it. It’s a sensation I don’t like. Someone touched the top of my back today and I think I was a bit snappy with them about it. Unintentionally that is, but then again, it wasn’t contact that I’d asked for, so a bit of a dilemma. I don’t get that same feeling if a very close friend or a family member makes contact with me though.

I do think though, after reading your reply, that I too am much more likely to receive a hug than initiate one. I think that has been the upsetting thing for those closest to me. It is something I am aware of and am working on.

This, I must admit, was one of my worries growing up when I saw that people hugged a lot. How did they know when was right or not? Then, after I gained confidence not to go along with the crowd, I stopped forcing myself to hug people due to not liking it myself. Now I’m trying to find balance for my loved ones.

I ended up wedged between people at a work event today when we were sat down at a table. We kept bumping shoulders! It was pretty horrendous, even with the fact that I respected and liked both the people I was sat with. Quite uncomfortable all round. But then again, if I can endure that, I could probably hug the people I care about a bit more!

I remember when it became a thing. I was camping with girl guides and over the weekend everyone developed into hugging each other at the slightest opportunity. I thought it was strange as it was something I only ever did with my immediate family.  This thread has made me think. Because my friend's ex always felt awkward when I hugged him to say hello. I only did it because thats what everyone else does. After they broke up she realised he was probably autistic. I think I masked that hard in front of him I didn't even realise. My partner's family are completely neurotypical but they are not huggers. OP - Just an idea but you could say to your loved ones "you just let me know whenever you need a hug" and then you don't have to read their minds.

Steven said:

trying to catch-up on others' moods and moves, and my often-failed attempts at interpretation or prediction

Me too, I’m afraid. I missed so much in the build up to this post. It shouldn’t have been, but it’s been a huge source of embarrassment (me missing apparently obvious cues that is) to me at times. I’m trying to see things in a different light now.

Asking is definitely a good thing, because consent is really important when touching people in general too  not just in a sexual way.
"Do you want/need a hug?" is plenty casual to ask too.

Thanks for your reply. So many people here have offered solidarity in this, you included, and it is really appreciated.

Luftmentsch said:

Would your loved ones be OK if you gave them a hug after you asked, or would it have to be spontaneous?

This is a great question and one I intend to find the answer to. I’m leaving this post with a few good conversational prompts to initiate with. Thanks for your help.

Thank you. It was a very difficult one to post, but I really needed some advice, so I had to put my own worries aside and just go for it. I’m glad I did though, just look at all the thoughtful and thought provoking replies! As well as the supportive ones too. I do feel less alone now, but also, a little more informed as to what hugs can mean for other people. All in all, I don’t now regret posting this.

Thanks for taking the time to post a reply and although its a tricky one, it’s nice to see that I’m not as alone as I thought.

I don’t think I’d be too open to talking to a councillor to be honest, I tend to freeze in those moments and forget what I actually wanted to say. Also, as you mentioned, it wouldn’t really change the fact that this form of affection just isn’t naturally on my radar. I have found the replies here helpful though. Lots of points have been raised that I just hadn’t considered before.

Thank you for this reply. I have considered asking out loud, but then I overthought about it and became worried that it would then in turn seem like I’m trying to schedule and organise affection. But at least by asking, I could then negate the potential of getting the timing to wrong perhaps. It’s worth a conversation about it, I feel.

Although I felt embarrassed to write this post, I am appreciative of the responses I have gained here. As well as the knowledge that I’m not the only one to see this form of affection tricky to understand. Thanks again.

That's sad, but I admit it's what I'd worry most about. If a hug is offered (about twice per decade), I know I'm on safe ground. Otherwise, I just wouldn't take the risk of inititiating one. The idea of making someone even momentarily uncomfortable stresses me out way too much. I thought I was hyper-aware of baundaries - even in the more abstract sense - but I did get told a while back that I crossed one or two and I felt wretched about it as I thought it was one area where I'd always been impeccable. I'm even more vigilant and cautious now. Keep myself to myself wherever possible, and stick to the most rudimentary of conversation unless I know the person so well that it's OK to do otherwise.