Advice about hugging and similar forms of affection

I love hugs, but was accused of violating boundaries; due to it.

That’s very kind Simon. I haven’t read the book, but I’m intrigued. You seem a lovely person yourself. Really appreciate all the positivity and fresh thinking you’ve brought to the community 

That lovely anecdote reminded me of a beautiful moment in the novel 'The Age of Innocence'.

You're a great person. 

That hand touch just reminded me that in 2016 a then colleague who I remain extremely fond of out of the blue just touched my left hand (I was at my desk) with her right to show how cold she was having just been outside. I was so stunned by the sudden casual confidence of it and was speechless for a moment though I loved her for it too - it was a sign that she didn’t find me too physically repellent to touch. Albeit just once. But it meant a lot. And she’d have had no idea that it was the first physical contact I’d had in many years, discounting barbers and opticians and the occasional medical situation! None of which are strictly voluntary. 

No offence taken. I’m very used to not being touched so it’s not a constant longing, but when it does happen it’s a very special thing. I suppose serotonin and oxytocin and things that others get regular supplies of and take for granted aren’t often in my system! 

I hope you don't find this offensive, and you don't have to answer, but do you struggle with "touch hunger"? I do. It was worse when I was single, but as my wife and I are long-distance and only see each other for short periods at long intervals, it is still there, I think. It's just that your remark about being hugged by a friend reminded me of when I was doing my MA and used to sit with other students at lunchtime. Once, while we were talking, one other student put her hand lightly on my forearm very briefly, but even so it was seared into my brain as I felt so deprived of affectionate physical contact.

Not even that common in families of my vintage I’d suggest. Or maybe we’re just odd, I’ve never been sure. 

Hugs have been so rare in my life. I always appreciate one a lot - from a natural hugger I mean, not one of my family-but would never initiate one. It would feel presumptious and like an invasion - to do I mean, not to receive. I got unexpectedly hugged for a few seconds by a friend at work  (a few months ago) and I thought that was so generous and brave of her. It came and went in seconds and perhaps it’s the last one of my life. Strange business all that. 

I think it's something that has developed relatively recently in the UK. Growing up, I didn't see people hugging much, except for close relatives. I think the idea of hugging friends or even new acquaintances is relatively new here (last fifteen or twenty years). I'm hoping that COVID has put a stop to it, at least for now.

Hi- I find hugging and physical forms of affection difficult. I think there is also a cultural element to it. When I moved to the UK for university I realised people here are a lot more tactile than in Luxembourg where I grew up ( though visiting family members/friends of my parents would kiss each other's cheek- which I hate) . I wasn't used to hugging people outside my family and even within my family at this point I don't feel very comfortable with hugs- my mum is probably the exception. I think for me if someone initiates a hug I try to go along with it and sometimes I now have an impulse to hug a friend for example if they are upset or being particularly kind and then I may just  go with it. But generally I don't like to be touched by anyone- I've never been particularly into hugs but I think I'm even more vary of it after experiencing sexual harrassment and assault :(. 

It's not the emotions or even cues that are difficult for me - it's the 'dance' of movement required. I feel 'awkward' - not embarrassed - as if I anticipate a clumsy, accidental clash of limbs with the person I'm about to hug, until we arrange ourselves complementarily.

And this is the story of my autistic life: desperate guessing of what will happen next - be it in the initial moments of a hug or in the progress of a conversation - trying to catch-up on others' moods and moves, and my often-failed attempts at interpretation or prediction.

I don't think you should be embarrassed. For many years I was uncomfortable hugging my parents, although it was hard to tell what was autism and what was from childhood experiences. I feel more comfortable hugging them now and sometimes initiate hugs, although not often. I'm much more comfortable hugging my wife.

I don't really have advice, but I wanted you to know you are not alone. Would your loved ones be OK if you gave them a hug after you asked, or would it have to be spontaneous?

No need to be embarrassed about this - I'm the same and it looks like lots of other people are too.

My mum used to hug me. She always asked first to make sure I was comfortable and if I wasn't she was fine with that, but she always initiated the hugs. If she'd waited for me then I doubt it would have ever happened. If there's specific times for hugs I've no idea what they are lol.

Well done for writing about how you're feeling. I can hear how difficult it was and I'm proud of you.

Hope you feel less alone in this now xxx

Don’t worry, you’re not alone. Physical contact is a bit of a mystery to me as well. My wife asks if she can hug me, she knows that I don’t really want to but it just prepares me. To wait for me to initiate a hug would be a long wait I’m afraid to say. The spontaneous thought of hugging or needing a hug just isn’t there. I have sometimes asked my wife for a hug but I only do it for her needs not mine. It’s more that I feel I should do it than want to. The sad part is that I’ve never been able to hug my own children, that’s something I do regret but still can’t.  I don’t know what the answer is, would a councillor be able to help? The only thing there is that it won’t change how you think.

Don't be embarrassed, it's okay!  There are so many rules and instincts that NTs just take for granted that people like us simply don't get.

I like hugs, but I don't really notice the social cues that lead up to them (unless someone I standing worh their arms out expectantly). 

Recently I've just started asking "Should we hug now?" Or something similar, and mostly people agree.  

Good times for hugs are when someone enters or leaves the house, or after or during an emotional conversation.  Kids usually like a hug before bedtime, or if they are injured or upset or scared.  Grownups also like hugs when they are upset or scared, but not always because if they are trying to keep emotions under control then a hug can sometimes make that more difficult. If you're unsure, just ask.

Also think about what other ways you do express affection, like practical help or sharing something that brings you joy.  Or making the effort to make yourself vulnerable by asking a bunch of strangers on the internet about hugging because you know that it's important to the people you care about.  That's dedicated autistic love right there!