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Advice about hugging and similar forms of affection

Oakling

I have a bit of an embarrassing admission to make, but I am doing so in the hopes that some of you fellow autistic people may be either able to relate to, or advise me on how best to proceed.

Im going to just be direct with this one, as it really is a source of embarrassment to me. 

I don’t know when to hug my loved ones. I don’t know how to initiate this, when a good time is, how often to do it. My lack of hugging is upsetting the most important people in my life.

Hugging is not on my radar, as I really don’t rely on physicality to represent affection, but I know the fact that I don’t do this upsets the people I love most. I really don’t want to cause upset or make them feel like I don’t care. 

I have explained things from my perspective and I think that they see where I am coming from, but I also see that this is something that I must do for them. And I want to. I just don’t get how to do it. 

I have worked on this in the past, but nothing ever sticks as it is genuinely something that isn’t on my radar. I’ve thought about writing it down and keeping a bit of a tally, but then that seems like it defeats the purpose really.

It seems daft now I’ve written it down. A simple thing like a hug should not be a huge deal, but it is. I’m not getting it right and to really want to.

It’s a long shot, but have you experienced anything like this before? I have never spoken to anyone that has. 

It’s taken a lot to write this post. In fact my face and ears are now hot with embarrassment, but I could really do with some help, if you have any to offer, on how to move forwards with something like this.

Parents

  • Don't be embarrassed, it's okay!  There are so many rules and instincts that NTs just take for granted that people like us simply don't get.

    I like hugs, but I don't really notice the social cues that lead up to them (unless someone I standing worh their arms out expectantly). 

    Recently I've just started asking "Should we hug now?" Or something similar, and mostly people agree.  

    Good times for hugs are when someone enters or leaves the house, or after or during an emotional conversation.  Kids usually like a hug before bedtime, or if they are injured or upset or scared.  Grownups also like hugs when they are upset or scared, but not always because if they are trying to keep emotions under control then a hug can sometimes make that more difficult. If you're unsure, just ask.

    Also think about what other ways you do express affection, like practical help or sharing something that brings you joy.  Or making the effort to make yourself vulnerable by asking a bunch of strangers on the internet about hugging because you know that it's important to the people you care about.  That's dedicated autistic love right there!

Reply

  • Don't be embarrassed, it's okay!  There are so many rules and instincts that NTs just take for granted that people like us simply don't get.

    I like hugs, but I don't really notice the social cues that lead up to them (unless someone I standing worh their arms out expectantly). 

    Recently I've just started asking "Should we hug now?" Or something similar, and mostly people agree.  

    Good times for hugs are when someone enters or leaves the house, or after or during an emotional conversation.  Kids usually like a hug before bedtime, or if they are injured or upset or scared.  Grownups also like hugs when they are upset or scared, but not always because if they are trying to keep emotions under control then a hug can sometimes make that more difficult. If you're unsure, just ask.

    Also think about what other ways you do express affection, like practical help or sharing something that brings you joy.  Or making the effort to make yourself vulnerable by asking a bunch of strangers on the internet about hugging because you know that it's important to the people you care about.  That's dedicated autistic love right there!

Children
  • in reply to Glitter

    Thank you for this reply. I have considered asking out loud, but then I overthought about it and became worried that it would then in turn seem like I’m trying to schedule and organise affection. But at least by asking, I could then negate the potential of getting the timing to wrong perhaps. It’s worth a conversation about it, I feel.

    Although I felt embarrassed to write this post, I am appreciative of the responses I have gained here. As well as the knowledge that I’m not the only one to see this form of affection tricky to understand. Thanks again.