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Advice about hugging and similar forms of affection

Oakling

I have a bit of an embarrassing admission to make, but I am doing so in the hopes that some of you fellow autistic people may be either able to relate to, or advise me on how best to proceed.

Im going to just be direct with this one, as it really is a source of embarrassment to me. 

I don’t know when to hug my loved ones. I don’t know how to initiate this, when a good time is, how often to do it. My lack of hugging is upsetting the most important people in my life.

Hugging is not on my radar, as I really don’t rely on physicality to represent affection, but I know the fact that I don’t do this upsets the people I love most. I really don’t want to cause upset or make them feel like I don’t care. 

I have explained things from my perspective and I think that they see where I am coming from, but I also see that this is something that I must do for them. And I want to. I just don’t get how to do it. 

I have worked on this in the past, but nothing ever sticks as it is genuinely something that isn’t on my radar. I’ve thought about writing it down and keeping a bit of a tally, but then that seems like it defeats the purpose really.

It seems daft now I’ve written it down. A simple thing like a hug should not be a huge deal, but it is. I’m not getting it right and to really want to.

It’s a long shot, but have you experienced anything like this before? I have never spoken to anyone that has. 

It’s taken a lot to write this post. In fact my face and ears are now hot with embarrassment, but I could really do with some help, if you have any to offer, on how to move forwards with something like this.

Parents

  • Hugs have been so rare in my life. I always appreciate one a lot - from a natural hugger I mean, not one of my family-but would never initiate one. It would feel presumptious and like an invasion - to do I mean, not to receive. I got unexpectedly hugged for a few seconds by a friend at work  (a few months ago) and I thought that was so generous and brave of her. It came and went in seconds and perhaps it’s the last one of my life. Strange business all that. 

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  • Hugs have been so rare in my life. I always appreciate one a lot - from a natural hugger I mean, not one of my family-but would never initiate one. It would feel presumptious and like an invasion - to do I mean, not to receive. I got unexpectedly hugged for a few seconds by a friend at work  (a few months ago) and I thought that was so generous and brave of her. It came and went in seconds and perhaps it’s the last one of my life. Strange business all that. 

Children
  • in reply to Shardovan

    I get a bit of an adrenaline spike if someone makes contact with me and I’m not expecting it. It’s a sensation I don’t like. Someone touched the top of my back today and I think I was a bit snappy with them about it. Unintentionally that is, but then again, it wasn’t contact that I’d asked for, so a bit of a dilemma. I don’t get that same feeling if a very close friend or a family member makes contact with me though.

    I do think though, after reading your reply, that I too am much more likely to receive a hug than initiate one. I think that has been the upsetting thing for those closest to me. It is something I am aware of and am working on.

  • in reply to Shardovan

    I hope you don't find this offensive, and you don't have to answer, but do you struggle with "touch hunger"? I do. It was worse when I was single, but as my wife and I are long-distance and only see each other for short periods at long intervals, it is still there, I think. It's just that your remark about being hugged by a friend reminded me of when I was doing my MA and used to sit with other students at lunchtime. Once, while we were talking, one other student put her hand lightly on my forearm very briefly, but even so it was seared into my brain as I felt so deprived of affectionate physical contact.