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Advice about hugging and similar forms of affection

Oakling

I have a bit of an embarrassing admission to make, but I am doing so in the hopes that some of you fellow autistic people may be either able to relate to, or advise me on how best to proceed.

Im going to just be direct with this one, as it really is a source of embarrassment to me. 

I don’t know when to hug my loved ones. I don’t know how to initiate this, when a good time is, how often to do it. My lack of hugging is upsetting the most important people in my life.

Hugging is not on my radar, as I really don’t rely on physicality to represent affection, but I know the fact that I don’t do this upsets the people I love most. I really don’t want to cause upset or make them feel like I don’t care. 

I have explained things from my perspective and I think that they see where I am coming from, but I also see that this is something that I must do for them. And I want to. I just don’t get how to do it. 

I have worked on this in the past, but nothing ever sticks as it is genuinely something that isn’t on my radar. I’ve thought about writing it down and keeping a bit of a tally, but then that seems like it defeats the purpose really.

It seems daft now I’ve written it down. A simple thing like a hug should not be a huge deal, but it is. I’m not getting it right and to really want to.

It’s a long shot, but have you experienced anything like this before? I have never spoken to anyone that has. 

It’s taken a lot to write this post. In fact my face and ears are now hot with embarrassment, but I could really do with some help, if you have any to offer, on how to move forwards with something like this.

Parents

  • Don’t worry, you’re not alone. Physical contact is a bit of a mystery to me as well. My wife asks if she can hug me, she knows that I don’t really want to but it just prepares me. To wait for me to initiate a hug would be a long wait I’m afraid to say. The spontaneous thought of hugging or needing a hug just isn’t there. I have sometimes asked my wife for a hug but I only do it for her needs not mine. It’s more that I feel I should do it than want to. The sad part is that I’ve never been able to hug my own children, that’s something I do regret but still can’t.  I don’t know what the answer is, would a councillor be able to help? The only thing there is that it won’t change how you think.

Reply

  • Don’t worry, you’re not alone. Physical contact is a bit of a mystery to me as well. My wife asks if she can hug me, she knows that I don’t really want to but it just prepares me. To wait for me to initiate a hug would be a long wait I’m afraid to say. The spontaneous thought of hugging or needing a hug just isn’t there. I have sometimes asked my wife for a hug but I only do it for her needs not mine. It’s more that I feel I should do it than want to. The sad part is that I’ve never been able to hug my own children, that’s something I do regret but still can’t.  I don’t know what the answer is, would a councillor be able to help? The only thing there is that it won’t change how you think.

Children
  • in reply to Roy

    Thanks for taking the time to post a reply and although its a tricky one, it’s nice to see that I’m not as alone as I thought.

    I don’t think I’d be too open to talking to a councillor to be honest, I tend to freeze in those moments and forget what I actually wanted to say. Also, as you mentioned, it wouldn’t really change the fact that this form of affection just isn’t naturally on my radar. I have found the replies here helpful though. Lots of points have been raised that I just hadn’t considered before.