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Advice about hugging and similar forms of affection

Oakling

I have a bit of an embarrassing admission to make, but I am doing so in the hopes that some of you fellow autistic people may be either able to relate to, or advise me on how best to proceed.

Im going to just be direct with this one, as it really is a source of embarrassment to me. 

I don’t know when to hug my loved ones. I don’t know how to initiate this, when a good time is, how often to do it. My lack of hugging is upsetting the most important people in my life.

Hugging is not on my radar, as I really don’t rely on physicality to represent affection, but I know the fact that I don’t do this upsets the people I love most. I really don’t want to cause upset or make them feel like I don’t care. 

I have explained things from my perspective and I think that they see where I am coming from, but I also see that this is something that I must do for them. And I want to. I just don’t get how to do it. 

I have worked on this in the past, but nothing ever sticks as it is genuinely something that isn’t on my radar. I’ve thought about writing it down and keeping a bit of a tally, but then that seems like it defeats the purpose really.

It seems daft now I’ve written it down. A simple thing like a hug should not be a huge deal, but it is. I’m not getting it right and to really want to.

It’s a long shot, but have you experienced anything like this before? I have never spoken to anyone that has. 

It’s taken a lot to write this post. In fact my face and ears are now hot with embarrassment, but I could really do with some help, if you have any to offer, on how to move forwards with something like this.

Parents

  • Hi- I find hugging and physical forms of affection difficult. I think there is also a cultural element to it. When I moved to the UK for university I realised people here are a lot more tactile than in Luxembourg where I grew up ( though visiting family members/friends of my parents would kiss each other's cheek- which I hate) . I wasn't used to hugging people outside my family and even within my family at this point I don't feel very comfortable with hugs- my mum is probably the exception. I think for me if someone initiates a hug I try to go along with it and sometimes I now have an impulse to hug a friend for example if they are upset or being particularly kind and then I may just  go with it. But generally I don't like to be touched by anyone- I've never been particularly into hugs but I think I'm even more vary of it after experiencing sexual harrassment and assault :(. 

  • in reply to Ann :)

    I think it's something that has developed relatively recently in the UK. Growing up, I didn't see people hugging much, except for close relatives. I think the idea of hugging friends or even new acquaintances is relatively new here (last fifteen or twenty years). I'm hoping that COVID has put a stop to it, at least for now.

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  • in reply to Ann :)

    I think it's something that has developed relatively recently in the UK. Growing up, I didn't see people hugging much, except for close relatives. I think the idea of hugging friends or even new acquaintances is relatively new here (last fifteen or twenty years). I'm hoping that COVID has put a stop to it, at least for now.

Children
  • in reply to Luftmentsch

    I remember when it became a thing. I was camping with girl guides and over the weekend everyone developed into hugging each other at the slightest opportunity. I thought it was strange as it was something I only ever did with my immediate family.  This thread has made me think. Because my friend's ex always felt awkward when I hugged him to say hello. I only did it because thats what everyone else does. After they broke up she realised he was probably autistic. I think I masked that hard in front of him I didn't even realise. My partner's family are completely neurotypical but they are not huggers. OP - Just an idea but you could say to your loved ones "you just let me know whenever you need a hug" and then you don't have to read their minds.

  • in reply to Luftmentsch

    Not even that common in families of my vintage I’d suggest. Or maybe we’re just odd, I’ve never been sure.