Just been diagnosed and struggling to tell people but exhausted with masking. Don’t know where to start

Sending you virtual hugs, I hope that you don't mind them. My heart goes for you, hang in there. I self discovered few months ago. It starts very hard before it starts to get easier. It won't happen overnight. Focus constantly on your wishes, needs and wellbeing. Listen to yourself and it gets easier the more you practice it. It's not easy for anyone so be gentle with yourself. I also recommend that you try your best not to affect your job with this, I mean try not to make your professional relationships the experiment playground for your unmasking, even tho it's so hard. Lot of luck for you

such good advise

Thats good advice, I might try that 

Yes any emotions we experience are valid and everyone is different.

Trawling up past difficulties and trauma is horrible and upsetting. I think in my case the timing of the assessment process helped. It took around 6 months from the first of my assessments to receiving my diagnosis. By that stage I had already been through a lot of that upset and invested so much emotionally that I would have been devastated not to have received my diagnosis. The written report did not arrive until a few months after the diagnosis, so I did not have to try and process everything all at once.

Hopefully in time you may be able to reframe those 'failures' through an autistic lens and discover that they weren't failures at all. More likely they were the result of being in an autism unfriendly environment without the necessary social skills or support.

Its OK to not feel relief at first too - I found the process of the assessment and reading the report horrible and really upsetting. I already knew what it would say but having it all discussed and my worst failures written down was not a positive experience at all. I'm trying to decide if I should tell anyone at work - they will be good about it as its that kind of place but there is always a risk it may hold me back. Other than my husband I haven't told anyone in 3 months. 

I like that. Im going to remember that. 

I also like cats more than dogs so that makes sense to me

Words of wisdom - nicely delivered.

There’s no hurry. It takes time to unmask. I feel like others think I am becoming ‘more autistic’ but the simple fact is I am unmasking. I realised I was autistic 46. I put it out of my mind for a year, and then got my diagnosis this March, I’m now 49. 
My changes have been small. Not talking when I don’t want to. Stopping needless conversation. Saying what I think instead of shutting up or agreeing. Stimming more freely at home. Doing nothing for days if I want/need to. Saying no to social situations I don’t want to be in. Still lots to come.

As for telling people, why? Who needs to know? I told my manager 2 months after my diagnosis. Five months in, i told a couple of others in passing when it cropped up naturally. 

I agree with the above, don't rush to tell people.

It will take quite some time for you to mentally process your diagnosis yourself. You need time to understand how you have been masking and gradually try and put your real self forward.

Expect an emotional rollercoaster whilst you go through all of this. I think I am still on mine. The early emotions are wholly positive. Finally it all makes sense, you begin to understand past events and realise you weren't a failure. Then you might start to feel less positive and maybe even angry as you start to question why wasn't it picked up earlier, how differently things might have turned out if you'd known and had support.

The last thing you need while trying to process all this is additional pressure trying to figure out the response from other people. Inevitably they won't react as you expect them to, maybe not at all. You don't want to feel as if you're being observed, by other people looking for your autistic traits, at the same time as you're trying to bare yourself to the world without your mask. If anyone notices you seem different and asks why, that could be an opportunity to tell them. Otherwise take your time.

Ashkc said:

I feel like I have masked for so long I don’t know how to unmask! 

Oh indeed !  And what will you find beneath ?.......You !

Personally, I slowed my responses down during conversations - rather than rapid fire, from the hip (AKA from the mask), I gave myself a few micro-seconds to think "do I mean this, or am I just spouting cr*p again."  It had some very unexpected results - some good, some bad - but ultimately, it got people used to the fact that I was VERY different in a gradual way, and more importantly, it helped me to understand how I was VERY different too.

Good luck - and take it steady.

Billy87 said:

dont tell everyone at once.

I agree. You've got the rest of your life to tell people so there's no rush

I can't! There's a analogy about cats and dogs. We are cats in a dog world. I can pretend to bark, I can learn to wag my tail and I learn to fetch a ball. But I'm still a cat underneath and always will be. Let's show off our cat qualities more!

out_of_step said:

For me I've really learned this is who I am and I cannot change it nor why should I

I really like that 

I think the first step is getting to know yourself. I found out I was autistic at 34 so im in a similar boat to you and i found the first thing was unpicking myself and working out which bits were really me and which bits were the masking. When weve been masking as long as we have we can lose our personalities a bit and just become who we are pretending to be if that makes sense. Spending that time with yourself and figuring out what you actually like and dislike and what youve just been pretending to like and do all these years will help and who you actually are rather than who society has made you feel you should be. Its a bit of a confusing process and can seem overwhelming but just take it slowly and you will get there in time

After that, I would say dont tell everyone at once. It took me over a year to tell most people, if you tell everyone the process will become more about whether they understand than about healing yourself if that makes sense. Maybe Just tell the one or two people closest to you for now and then do the rest when your ready 

Also there are times I'll still mask and that's okay.

It's really hard from a lifetime of masking.  Similar age. Still finding my way through 18 months after my diagnosis and a good few years of suspecting I was AS. I think it'll be work in progress for a long time if not the rest of my life. I find the first step is getting more of an understanding of what masking is for you and maybe the reasons why. I also think self acceptance is another key point. For me I've really learned this is who I am and I cannot change it nor why should I. My brain is wired differently and my communication is different altho most people would think I'm neurotypical. I find learning about double empathy has been a big help in taking the pressure off. I've learned a lot from talking therapies but found a really good person who "got it". It gave me the tools but I'm still putting it into practise. 

Thank you! What’s the first steps to unmaking? 

Its a long process. Best thing you can do is not try and do it all straight away, only do what you feel ready for and it will happen gradually. 
At least now you have an answer for things and you know why they are happening