Getting older with autism

As many have said, you can go through life pretending to be someone else, or you can be the only person you were ever born to be - no one can do it better, no one will ever replace the you that is. Be your unique self, and as you meet other unique people who have similar challenges as yourself as you go through life, you will find your tribe of individuals who will hopefully stand shoulder to shoulder with you in the ups and downs of the world.

There's no getting around it. You are special, so be proud of who you are.

I also wish I'd known I was masking at your age. I just thought everyone was having the same struggles, so I struggled on. Again, like many, it made me sick - mentally & physically, which I now live with chronically every day. Not saying that to scare you, but living under a mask isnt a shelter, it's a barrier to fly to freedom.

Keep breathing, deep and slow, and remember whatever happens, the sun will still rise tomorrow, as the world turns

oh yes, it's called autistic burnout

memories go away too, or I would rather say because random memories dissapear it might happen we forget some of our strategies to cope, so it looks like to me like a brain damage

as a kid you can get it if you remove one of build in blockers we have, e.g. reluctance to lie

There might be a lot of reasons for this, but I have noticed that for myself it's a result from an increase in demands and expectations, both from my external world and sometimes from myself. I think two things play a big part in why our problems get worse with age.

1. When we are kids, it is not expected of us to know how to handle every task and situation that we face. We get away with being our strange selfs more than when we're adults. The traits don't cause as much trouble because our context is very different. Also, we tend to reflect less on our behavior when we are kids, so we aren't as aware of any differences as we are now.

2. With an increase of demands comes an increase of stress and anxiety, and that may lead to a regression of sorts where we loose our strategies and energy to cope.

These are just my theories. I have no evidence to back them up. I just think it fits for me at least, and maybe some of you too?

Peter said:

someone once said

it took mer 43 years to realise it isn't wise to listen to that

I try to ignore such remarks without basis nowadays

That resonates!

when I was a child someone once said ‘I think he’ll make a better adult than a child.’ It made sense in a way. I could hold my own with adults in arguments and often did. A lot of my interests were ‘adult’ like science.

at the same time he couldn’t have been more wrong. I went to uni and spent 4 years wondering why I couldn’t make friends in the hard drinking maths society or the prudish and conservative christian Union. It wasn’t till I got into the super nerdy and rather childish anime society that I started to really make friends I felt I could be myself around with out worrying about it.

 I make a very poor adult. Time hasn’t brought an appreciation for the quiet life. I haven’t mellowed with age, acquired a taste for clogs, wine and following house prices.

I look at the student, especially the nerdy ones, the kind I used to hang out with, partying to j pop and playing video games, talking about their courses or the latest research. And I wish I was with them.

I did hang out with them for the longest time. Till I was a good deal older than 23. Could you not do the same? I can’t promise it will work forever but those were some of the happiest times of my life.

As for trying so hard to be normal; wearing a mask; yeah that can help you be with people but it can’t help you be known by people and deep down isn’t that really what you want? The kind of relationship where they can say they really know you?

It’s worth remembering even though there is a perceived norm, many adults privately/publicly do not adhere to these.

I enjoy many of the typical adult things though I also still very much enjoy things that adults aren’t expected to be interested in, it will become more and more noticeable as you grow older and still take interest in these things though the main thing is don’t feel you should change for anyone.

Do what is comfortable even if that is sometimes not revealing these interests, however do not feel forced into pretentious behaviour for the comfort of others.

Getting older is already stressful, it’s not good for your well-being to add more.

Yes that is true. Most of us will have started masking at an early age and it just becomes an involuntary response, without always consciously being aware of it.

I wonder if there has been any research on whether autistic people who have been diagnosed very early tend to mask less.

I completely relate to your feelings here. I'm 21 now and I have no idea where I'm going and what to do with my life. It's like everyone else is moving and I'm frozen in time not going why further or changing.

At school I wanted friends, a boyfriend and to get better skills but the more I wanted and the harder I tried the further away all of that got from me. It's the same now, wants and dreams but I can't reach them. Everything's moving on but I'm stuck in the same place.

From the time when I was 23 I can say one thing that fully describes how I felt: I had no idea what to do with my life.

My family was pushing on me their expactations, and society theirs, and nobody was offering any guidance.

If I stopped trying to meet them I would begin to be happy earlier .

I'm 43 and I'm happy now, I decided to walk my own path

I read your post and it appeared to speak to me and has some similarity my own situation. I'm 32 (so a little bit older) but earlier this year I also came to the conclusion that I couldn't keep up with my peers or keep up with NT societal expectations and after a meltdown I just said to myself....do you know what enough is enough. I can't keep up with these NT societal expectations. I'm tired of keeping up and I've run out of ideas. I was proud of myself that for 32 years I had found a way to cope and keep going without being diagnosed with autism. 

I have subsequently put the wheels in motion now and I'm waiting to be assessed for autism but I am becoming more aware by the day that any thoughts about doing something new or making a big jump in life are incredibly scary for me and maybe now it's time for me to acknowledge that I am different and I won't achieve things at the same pace as my peers or my contemporaries.  

Perhaps on the whole I just find this neurotypical world that we live within is just a scary place. I definitely do get similar thoughts about being an adult only in age and that within this adult body I have there is still this child who is trying to exist within an adult world. 

Nevertheless, with each day that passes now I am becoming more certain that I am living with undiagnosed autism and I think the only way forward for myself is to just slow things down and accept that I can only now live day to day. 

I craved a relationship as a young man, but made women and girls feel uncomfortable in my presence. Now, I feel that I was too dependent on Mammy back then. 

I was also a fixer, by nature. In the end, I had little identity. 

I agree with what other posters have said.  I didn't go on a date until I was 27 and thought I would never have a real relationship; now at 39 I'm engaged.  It can happen, it might just take you some time.  I don't think I could have got married ten or fifteen years ago, realistically.  I also think you're more likely to find a "relationship with rules" as you get older anyway.

I'm religious (Jewish) and the social rules help in some ways, but in other ways I find them confusing and hard to live up to.  I feel like I don't fit in my religious community any better than I fit in anywhere else, just for different reasons.

For me, I did child reasonably well, barring hating school, adolescence to 18 was horrific, 18 to 25 I was uncomfortable in myself, 25 to 35 hitting my stride, things improving, 35-45 continued improvement. 45+ more or less comfortable in my own skin. 

Barring childhood, I found that the older I got the better I got internally, I didn't do 'being young' at all well.

Trying to emulate NT people is challenging, and although masking can help you be around people it can't make up for difficulties you have engaging with people, they will see that, they may also realise you are masking other things.  Its difficult realities, I'm over twice your age and been there and still there, only now I'm comfortable being autistic and myself even if others aren't.  That is the best way, you can't get others to adapt to you, and adapting to others is difficult or hard work and takes time but always worth working on things rather than giving up and writing yourself off. 

You might be right to be around religious people who are more rule based, though doesn't mean they are autism friendly, but having religion in common and rule set that align with yours might mean you can engage better on that level.  You could also look for autistic religious groups online or offline, that might work for you.

What you are watching is NT peers doing life their way, perhaps whats expected, but you can choose a different way - its brave but makes more sense when autistic, you can't un-autistic yourself and trying to do so or using excess energy masking all signs of it does lead to burnout, or crashes/breakdowns, your energy is best spent on what you need/want to do.  

Sounds like good advice in general, though from what I understand there's an irreducible minimum to masking - as there is a core component that is  an involuntary, unconsious, and reflexive learned trauma response that's been there from childhood onwards.  But the more conscious and performative aspects of 'fitting in' are something we can all be more viligant for.

Masking can feel like it helps but actually it has a negative effect that you don't always notice and can lead to more anxiety, exhaustion and eventually even burnout and you definitely don't want that. 

As you've already found change is difficult to cope and live with. For others it's easy but for us it can be truly crippling and can take years to adjust to and accept. I still struggle with this every day.

No one wants to be pushed out and I can understand you wanting friends but you need to be kind to yourself and not push yourself under. Have you thought of volunteer work? That's a good opportunity to meet others and I've found usually people who volunteer are lovely. Depending on your interests you could try some groups as well in your area.

Wishing you all the best lovely.

I was 28.  I did want to but I just couldn't put the pieces together before then to work out how people worked.  Couldn't pick up on flirting and lacked any self esteem to believe in myself, so why would others.  Its almost comical when i think back and look at myself.  Im a better person for being on my own during that time.  Made me appreciate what i have now.

Sure, i had my heart broken a couple of times but who doesn't. 

There is absolutely no way i would have functioned in a relationship in my 20's.  I didn't have the skillset or emotional capacity to make a relationship work.  I knew that, but couldn't understand exactly why.  Now i have a reason and im like.....yeah.....that makes sense now.

Hi bebe,

I was told that it is very common for those that are autistic to be behind in development compared to NT and not feel ready for certain relationships / events ect, but at about the age of 29/30 they eventually catch up. I'm currently Un diagnosed , but starting to feel more certain that I am autistic (still feels odd writing that). I had my first relationship at... You guessed it 30! It might be hard to think at the moment, but you have time on your side, just be patient ( I know this is easier said than done) I'm sure you will feel ready as you get older, and get the things you want/ need. Good luck. 

Hi bebe,

I think auto and nas are correct.  I would suggest you take your time finding youself.  Its almost like coming out of the 'closet' and revealing your true self.  In some ways, its really liberating knowing that, for me my 'weird' quirks, not wanting to be around people....struggling with small talk, wanting to sleep after stressful situations ect are fine....I dont beat myself up about it now.  I know im not going to be the life and soul of the party or have loads of friends and great banter but....thats fine.

I like them only discovered my autism recently.  I would have preferred to have know sooner, as what you say resonates with probably alot of people on here.  My younger self obviously would have rejected such a suggestion i was 'autistic'.  Hell no.....I was normal.....even though i struggled to find friends, love interests were exceptionally hard to find and maintain.....I got there though.  

I self medicated to stave off the anxiety with alcohol, used alchohol/drugs to fit in with my peers.  Just to fit in and be normal.  It wasn't me though......but unfortunately.....I was different and neuro typicals know that instantly.

I find, now im older.....we are all different.  People come and go in your life but......the right ones stick.  I thought i was going to be on my own forever, i was for a long time but.....some people are worth the wait and they walk through when you least expect it.

Be kind and true to yourself and things will work out and most importantly......its ok to be different.