Published on 12, July, 2020
The older I get the more I notice a difference between me and my peers regarding my social skills, and the more they notice a difference in me too.
I feel like as everyone is getting older and maturing i'm just frozen in time. Forever trapped as a younger person stuck in the body of an adult, no matter what I do. `No matter how hard I mask.
I felt the first big jump when I was transitioning into my teenage years. I just wanted to mess about, play classical playground games, do what we used to do. But girls my age just wanted to sit around talking about boys. Everything was changing and it was nerve wracking.
I'm now turning 23 and I'm noticing the big jump again, except this time it's worse, harder. I don't know what to do to emulate my peers at all. They can just tell that I'm different.
I don't want to get pushed out, I want friends. A romantic relationship. I've been craving more structure relationship wise because of this, a relationship with rules. I've returned to religion, not because I'm necessarily a believer but because religious people tend to have well defined social rules that I can learn, follow, and as long as I stick to those rules I'm less likely to be socially ostracised.
I'm in a lot of distress. I don't know what to do. Everything is changing so fast, faster than I can keep up with.
Trying to emulate NT people is challenging, and although masking can help you be around people it can't make up for difficulties you have engaging with people, they will see that, they may also realise you are masking other things. Its difficult realities, I'm over twice your age and been there and still there, only now I'm comfortable being autistic and myself even if others aren't. That is the best way, you can't get others to adapt to you, and adapting to others is difficult or hard work and takes time but always worth working on things rather than giving up and writing yourself off.
You might be right to be around religious people who are more rule based, though doesn't mean they are autism friendly, but having religion in common and rule set that align with yours might mean you can engage better on that level. You could also look for autistic religious groups online or offline, that might work for you.
What you are watching is NT peers doing life their way, perhaps whats expected, but you can choose a different way - its brave but makes more sense when autistic, you can't un-autistic yourself and trying to do so or using excess energy masking all signs of it does lead to burnout, or crashes/breakdowns, your energy is best spent on what you need/want to do.