Published on 12, July, 2020
The older I get the more I notice a difference between me and my peers regarding my social skills, and the more they notice a difference in me too.
I feel like as everyone is getting older and maturing i'm just frozen in time. Forever trapped as a younger person stuck in the body of an adult, no matter what I do. `No matter how hard I mask.
I felt the first big jump when I was transitioning into my teenage years. I just wanted to mess about, play classical playground games, do what we used to do. But girls my age just wanted to sit around talking about boys. Everything was changing and it was nerve wracking.
I'm now turning 23 and I'm noticing the big jump again, except this time it's worse, harder. I don't know what to do to emulate my peers at all. They can just tell that I'm different.
I don't want to get pushed out, I want friends. A romantic relationship. I've been craving more structure relationship wise because of this, a relationship with rules. I've returned to religion, not because I'm necessarily a believer but because religious people tend to have well defined social rules that I can learn, follow, and as long as I stick to those rules I'm less likely to be socially ostracised.
I'm in a lot of distress. I don't know what to do. Everything is changing so fast, faster than I can keep up with.
Hi Bebe. I'm more than double your age.
For what its worth, I really think Autonomistic is right. I had all your feelings at 23 but did not understand that I was, and always had been, masking - so all I did was carry on. I developed more and more elaborate masks and unknowingly crafted my life and work around trying to fit into a world that I didn't like or understand. I thought I was NT and that I just had different perspectives, values and aspirations to my chums. Chums and clients alike were content with me just being different - and I thought that my feelings (which you have so eloquently described above) were just how it was for me.
It worked for decades that way, although I was plagued with misfortune and mishap that I simply could not understand nor explain, and nor could anyone else! I started shedding friends and connections at an ever increasingly alarming rate. I feared for my sanity.
Then, the inevitable burn-out occurred........big style.
Don't fall into that pit - it has taken me ages and ages to climb back up. I've wasted a lot of time and energy masking. I still feel the need to mask to some extent, but I definitely don't recommend that you try and craft your life around it (like I unknowingly did.)
You know yourself already, so you are so much ahead of my curve. Use that knowledge to be your authentic self Bebe - that is my most sincere advice, from someone who tried to do the opposite!!
Good luck.
Masking is not good for you. If you keep doing it you will burnout eventually. If there is one piece of advice I could give my younger self it would be stop trying to mask.
The more you try to emulate your peers the more likely you are to have feelings of inadequacy, which can result in a negative spiral into anxiety and depression.
Autistic people find it very difficult to cope with change. As you have found it can be nerve wracking and even terrifying at times. I still find that, even though I'm much older. We need much longer than non autistics to process change and adapt to it.
Please stop trying to keep up, as it is causing you a lot of distress. Try and allow yourself the time and space you need to adapt, discover who you are and what you want to achieve in life. However long it takes.
Are there opportunities in your area to meet up with other autistic people around your age? You may find they are on a similar journey, trying to adapt to being an adult and finding it very difficult.
Hello Bebe,
I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. You may like to have a look at our information on social skills and relationships:
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/family-life-and-relationships
If you feel that you might need some support with your mental health, you can find advice and information on how to go about seeking help, including links to other resources and details of helplines and listening support services, here: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/seeking-help.
All the best,
ChloeMod