Published on 12, July, 2020
The older I get the more I notice a difference between me and my peers regarding my social skills, and the more they notice a difference in me too.
I feel like as everyone is getting older and maturing i'm just frozen in time. Forever trapped as a younger person stuck in the body of an adult, no matter what I do. `No matter how hard I mask.
I felt the first big jump when I was transitioning into my teenage years. I just wanted to mess about, play classical playground games, do what we used to do. But girls my age just wanted to sit around talking about boys. Everything was changing and it was nerve wracking.
I'm now turning 23 and I'm noticing the big jump again, except this time it's worse, harder. I don't know what to do to emulate my peers at all. They can just tell that I'm different.
I don't want to get pushed out, I want friends. A romantic relationship. I've been craving more structure relationship wise because of this, a relationship with rules. I've returned to religion, not because I'm necessarily a believer but because religious people tend to have well defined social rules that I can learn, follow, and as long as I stick to those rules I'm less likely to be socially ostracised.
I'm in a lot of distress. I don't know what to do. Everything is changing so fast, faster than I can keep up with.
when I was a child someone once said ‘I think he’ll make a better adult than a child.’ It made sense in a way. I could hold my own with adults in arguments and often did. A lot of my interests were ‘adult’ like science.
at the same time he couldn’t have been more wrong. I went to uni and spent 4 years wondering why I couldn’t make friends in the hard drinking maths society or the prudish and conservative christian Union. It wasn’t till I got into the super nerdy and rather childish anime society that I started to really make friends I felt I could be myself around with out worrying about it.
I make a very poor adult. Time hasn’t brought an appreciation for the quiet life. I haven’t mellowed with age, acquired a taste for clogs, wine and following house prices.
I look at the student, especially the nerdy ones, the kind I used to hang out with, partying to j pop and playing video games, talking about their courses or the latest research. And I wish I was with them.
I did hang out with them for the longest time. Till I was a good deal older than 23. Could you not do the same? I can’t promise it will work forever but those were some of the happiest times of my life.
As for trying so hard to be normal; wearing a mask; yeah that can help you be with people but it can’t help you be known by people and deep down isn’t that really what you want? The kind of relationship where they can say they really know you?
Peter said:someone once said
it took mer 43 years to realise it isn't wise to listen to that
I try to ignore such remarks without basis nowadays