Published on 12, July, 2020
I've been meaning to start a thread on this for ages, but in a way it's such a big hang-up that I kept delaying it. Bur firemonkey's thread about fitting in has prompted me to have a go at putting some words together on the subject. Because this particular thing often makes me feel disproportionately alone/singular on a forum despite statistics I've seen elsewhere indicating that I shouldn't be.
The statistic in question: That 44% of 'high-functioning' autistic people are in relationships, and 56% are not.
When I read that about four months ago, it took a lot of the sense of societal pressure I'd been feeling momentarily off me, as I realised that I'm (within autistic circles) not only less of a minority than I'd be in society generally (where about 16% are in the mid-to long-term single camp at any one time, and about 5% have no real relationship history to speak of), but even part of a majority - the people who (at any given moment at any rate) are autistic and single. Presumably meaning that there's a core constituency of the long-term single somewhat larger than that NT-normative 5%-16% spectrum that I just mentioned.
So, when I came on here, I expected to see - comfortingly - others like me. Been on their own most of their life, live alone, and so on.
But nearly everybody on here who initially talks about not connecting well with people, struggling in society, needing a lot of solitude etc. will at some point casually reference a partner, spouse, children. The disconnect always feels strange to me. How did so many socially challenged people end up doing exactly what NTs do so perplexingly easily, and just fall into these highly prescribed, ultra-orthodox relationships and domestic - often marital - situations and why aren't they constantly reacting in puzzlement as to the contradictory nature of their situation?
I'm aware that that could almost sound like I'm trying to be derogatory about some (overall - life is complicated) lovely - hopefully!- situations for people that in fact I wish them only well with. But, like firemonkey felt about the employment stats/forum as 'proxy' situation (see the 'Not at all sure...' thread), I have an equivalent thing with the above that makes me feel very odd man out, when in theory that 54% weighting towards the contrary should be more detectably present here.
Am I wrong about that? One factor I should bear in mind is that coupled-up people (sometimes including 'living apart together's and so on) usually broadcast in real life a continuous hard signal (explicit information about that - wedding ring, who they're walking about with etc.) whereas the unmarried but in a relationship people and the truly single people are - when on solo trips out and about - blended together in complete and equal ambiguity - either status is completely undetectable at face value unless accompanied by children or somesuch. So you have to rely on probability theory to feel not anomalous when out and about. Eg. in a supermarket with 100 adults in it, 16 of them are in theory invisibly single, as I am (hope that makes sense!). Similarly, online - and very naturally - in referring to their life, a significant other, or children (the two not necessarily going together of course), or perhaps (as - I was sorry to hear - in fremonkey's case) being a widow - a coupled-up person soon confirms themselves as such. But that seems to be nearly everyone on here, and I can't make the evidence square adequately with the statistic in a way that doesn't leave me feeling like a strange outlier that even many on here would look at as a bit weird for not fitting into the norm more in at least (as if it was so easy!) that respect. It feels kind of lonely, and that a cosmic joke constantly has the objective truth of things hidden in my blind-spot, no matter what mental gymnastics or research I put myself through.
If there's anyone else on here who is single and comfortable saying so (I'm not trying to smoke you out for some nefarious agenda - that's absolutely not what this is about!) I'd appreciate that, as right now I feel like an alien even among aliens. And feeling so just a tiny bit less would be nice(r).
Sorry for digging up an old thread but this is the single biggest issue I have with the forum. I have always been single despite wanting very much not to be and every time I see a post about how alone someone is or how difficult they find connecting to people then - as you say - casually reference their spouse and children, it's like a knife in my guts.
Every time I see one of those posts - and it is most days on here - I wonder if this forum is the right place for me, or if there is a right place for me anywhere.
When I've brought this up with therapists they say something really quite patronising and unhelpful " but you're nice", "i believe in you", "things will get better". But that's not my reality. And I hoped this forum might be a place where I felt solidarity with people experiencing the same problems, but instead it's a constant reminder that even here, I am just less.
I am 'single' - whatever that means! I do wonder, and have always wondered, why the relationship status of a person counts for so much? Surely there's more to each and every one of us than that? And if you're single, you may well attract sympathy, or even pity, for not hitting the bar, or achieving the normal state, which apparently is being part of a couple.
I think I would find someone else too intrusive and time-consuming. They'd be in the way.
I didn't always feel like I do now, but through many trials and errors, I've developed my own life, which suits me. I have lots to do, some freedom to do it, and I don't have to compromise for somebody else.
It's not bad
Amerantin (former member) said:Sorry for digging up an old thread but this is the single biggest issue I have with the forum.
I appreciate you reviving this older thread. Seeing my own words from over 2 years ago has jolted me out of deep hibernation. The reasons I have been absent lately are many and complicated but this is certainly one of them.
When I first joined here I naively expected that other late diagnosed adults would be just like me, friendless and eternally single. However, as you have found, we are in the minority even on here.
It's great that so many autistic people have been successful in finding friends and partners and I'm sure that did not come without a lot of personal struggles.
Amerantin (former member) said:And I hoped this forum might be a place where I felt solidarity with people experiencing the same problems, but instead it's a constant reminder that even here, I am just less.
What I struggle with is the expectation that everyone can be successful if only they were to try harder, learn social skills, get out more, get therapy, read a book, etc. That sort of attitude is precisely the kind of neuro-normative ableism that I come here to escape from. People should not end up feeling inadequate on here of all places.
Remember "different, not less".
nah your not. i never had a relationship either and likely never will do.... infact i dont think i want one anymore... im 34... every woman my age has children and made terrible life choices, if a woman had a child and has been passed around does that woman truly understand love? would she truly love you or is she just going person to person not understanding love or feelings? .... i doubt the sincerity of the feelings of people who relationship hop so much or has had many relations or had kids...i doubt such a person truly loves. so i dont wanna get into relationships with such people as i doubt the sincerity of their feelings or their desire for the relationship.and yes, therapists and councillors are not helpful anyway... my sister trained to be one and got a qualification... she isnt a good person to listen to as her life decisions are aweful and she only pursued that because she didnt want a real job, she saw it as a easy benefit style life, in the end she needed more qualifications for it which she couldnt get and she couldnt be arsed so stayed on benefits and is now lying about certain things to maximise and game the benefit system, things which kinda mock the trauma and experiences wed go through she is using now for free life and money.... but yeah, councillors are not good people in my eyes, they are just lazy people who didnt want real jobs and are not a good source of information or support as they have terrible personal lives themselves and their motives for going into that career are by in large based on them being lazy and not having their life together themselves... not a very good place to turn to help or advice for... this is why counselling doesnt work.