Published on 12, July, 2020
I've been meaning to start a thread on this for ages, but in a way it's such a big hang-up that I kept delaying it. Bur firemonkey's thread about fitting in has prompted me to have a go at putting some words together on the subject. Because this particular thing often makes me feel disproportionately alone/singular on a forum despite statistics I've seen elsewhere indicating that I shouldn't be.
The statistic in question: That 44% of 'high-functioning' autistic people are in relationships, and 56% are not.
When I read that about four months ago, it took a lot of the sense of societal pressure I'd been feeling momentarily off me, as I realised that I'm (within autistic circles) not only less of a minority than I'd be in society generally (where about 16% are in the mid-to long-term single camp at any one time, and about 5% have no real relationship history to speak of), but even part of a majority - the people who (at any given moment at any rate) are autistic and single. Presumably meaning that there's a core constituency of the long-term single somewhat larger than that NT-normative 5%-16% spectrum that I just mentioned.
So, when I came on here, I expected to see - comfortingly - others like me. Been on their own most of their life, live alone, and so on.
But nearly everybody on here who initially talks about not connecting well with people, struggling in society, needing a lot of solitude etc. will at some point casually reference a partner, spouse, children. The disconnect always feels strange to me. How did so many socially challenged people end up doing exactly what NTs do so perplexingly easily, and just fall into these highly prescribed, ultra-orthodox relationships and domestic - often marital - situations and why aren't they constantly reacting in puzzlement as to the contradictory nature of their situation?
I'm aware that that could almost sound like I'm trying to be derogatory about some (overall - life is complicated) lovely - hopefully!- situations for people that in fact I wish them only well with. But, like firemonkey felt about the employment stats/forum as 'proxy' situation (see the 'Not at all sure...' thread), I have an equivalent thing with the above that makes me feel very odd man out, when in theory that 54% weighting towards the contrary should be more detectably present here.
Am I wrong about that? One factor I should bear in mind is that coupled-up people (sometimes including 'living apart together's and so on) usually broadcast in real life a continuous hard signal (explicit information about that - wedding ring, who they're walking about with etc.) whereas the unmarried but in a relationship people and the truly single people are - when on solo trips out and about - blended together in complete and equal ambiguity - either status is completely undetectable at face value unless accompanied by children or somesuch. So you have to rely on probability theory to feel not anomalous when out and about. Eg. in a supermarket with 100 adults in it, 16 of them are in theory invisibly single, as I am (hope that makes sense!). Similarly, online - and very naturally - in referring to their life, a significant other, or children (the two not necessarily going together of course), or perhaps (as - I was sorry to hear - in fremonkey's case) being a widow - a coupled-up person soon confirms themselves as such. But that seems to be nearly everyone on here, and I can't make the evidence square adequately with the statistic in a way that doesn't leave me feeling like a strange outlier that even many on here would look at as a bit weird for not fitting into the norm more in at least (as if it was so easy!) that respect. It feels kind of lonely, and that a cosmic joke constantly has the objective truth of things hidden in my blind-spot, no matter what mental gymnastics or research I put myself through.
If there's anyone else on here who is single and comfortable saying so (I'm not trying to smoke you out for some nefarious agenda - that's absolutely not what this is about!) I'd appreciate that, as right now I feel like an alien even among aliens. And feeling so just a tiny bit less would be nice(r).
Sorry for digging up an old thread but this is the single biggest issue I have with the forum. I have always been single despite wanting very much not to be and every time I see a post about how alone someone is or how difficult they find connecting to people then - as you say - casually reference their spouse and children, it's like a knife in my guts.
Every time I see one of those posts - and it is most days on here - I wonder if this forum is the right place for me, or if there is a right place for me anywhere.
When I've brought this up with therapists they say something really quite patronising and unhelpful " but you're nice", "i believe in you", "things will get better". But that's not my reality. And I hoped this forum might be a place where I felt solidarity with people experiencing the same problems, but instead it's a constant reminder that even here, I am just less.
Amerantin (former member) said:Sorry for digging up an old thread but this is the single biggest issue I have with the forum.
I appreciate you reviving this older thread. Seeing my own words from over 2 years ago has jolted me out of deep hibernation. The reasons I have been absent lately are many and complicated but this is certainly one of them.
When I first joined here I naively expected that other late diagnosed adults would be just like me, friendless and eternally single. However, as you have found, we are in the minority even on here.
It's great that so many autistic people have been successful in finding friends and partners and I'm sure that did not come without a lot of personal struggles.
Amerantin (former member) said:And I hoped this forum might be a place where I felt solidarity with people experiencing the same problems, but instead it's a constant reminder that even here, I am just less.
What I struggle with is the expectation that everyone can be successful if only they were to try harder, learn social skills, get out more, get therapy, read a book, etc. That sort of attitude is precisely the kind of neuro-normative ableism that I come here to escape from. People should not end up feeling inadequate on here of all places.
Remember "different, not less".
...and the spirit in which I started the thread. In that sense, you are far from alone :-)
Autonomistic said:has jolted me out of deep hibernation.
Welcome back.
I miss your wisdom when you are absent.
Thanks for that much needed insight.
I can see now how difficult it is for some of us to believe that we CAN exceed our previous limitations.
I can only testify that in my case by teh tie I was 11 I was a basket case. Anti social, violent , only emerging from my room to steal something, (the only thing I showed any real promise at) and generally so messed up I could see it myself and I decided to do something about it.
There are some people here who are a lot better functiong than I am admittedly, the 1% as Judgedredd calls them, but there are people who's posts call out to me as a reminder of where I come from, adn whos posts show me that I have travelled some distance away from who I was.
It took me 16 years of self reflection and learning and practice (with many errors and false starts along the way) to become reasonably functional, but I know what I did that actually worked now. Some skills are innate and known as "talents" but many skills are in fact teachable and transferrable.
One thing that stands out in my memory is how quickly my life changed when I read ONE particular book, which for me was a revelation about how people really work. After reading it I coudl see clearly how I could improve my relationships with the rest of the world, and withing maybe two years my life was very different indeed. I ended up with a LOT less "friends" than I had before reading it, as I stopped trying to be a "people pleaser" but those who I did keep, were the sort who are more helpful and less of a drain on me.
It appears to me that it really IS possible to change the trajectory of your life, and sometimes people will help you in aspects of that, but the journey starts with dissatisfaction with your lot, and a determination to fix it yourself.
But you still need tools.
There is an old saying that goes: "When the only tool you have is a hammer, everything tends to look like a nail" which suggests that the tools I've used may well not work for everyone in every situation, but some tools are pretty universal and useful across the board. I try to indicate teh tools that have worked for me.
It is relatively easy to "lead a horse to water", but he is only going to drink it when he is good and ready.
My ex remarked one day that; "People talk about changing themsleves but you are one of the very few people I've seen actually do it".
I tend to credit myself and my own efforts and good fortune in finding the right tools, but I do have a sneaking suspicion, that my prayers and Christian training might be largely responsible for the improvement I experienced, but that is SUCH A HARD SELL these days, (and very unwelcome indeed with some people) that I don't push or credit the Christianty very much, but is worth looking at the various societal models that dominate the various parts of the world, and see how a Christian based cultrure compares to other ways of liivng... OR even how our culture was when it was largely Christian based compared to now, where it is Christian in name only, but something else in practice..
I get it. When you've already been 'trying' repeatedly for decades, and have suffered the resultant burnout, there comes a realisation that you either give up or a radically different approach is needed.
As the famous saying goes, insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
Thanks for the thoughtful reply Autonomistic.
Autonomistic said:What I struggle with is the expectation that everyone can be successful if only they were to try harder, learn social skills, get out more, get therapy, read a book, etc.
Yes. I feel like a deaf person who’s told I can hear if I just try harder.
Autonomistic said:People should not end up feeling inadequate on here of all places.
And that was the crux of my post.