Published on 12, July, 2020
I've been meaning to start a thread on this for ages, but in a way it's such a big hang-up that I kept delaying it. Bur firemonkey's thread about fitting in has prompted me to have a go at putting some words together on the subject. Because this particular thing often makes me feel disproportionately alone/singular on a forum despite statistics I've seen elsewhere indicating that I shouldn't be.
The statistic in question: That 44% of 'high-functioning' autistic people are in relationships, and 56% are not.
When I read that about four months ago, it took a lot of the sense of societal pressure I'd been feeling momentarily off me, as I realised that I'm (within autistic circles) not only less of a minority than I'd be in society generally (where about 16% are in the mid-to long-term single camp at any one time, and about 5% have no real relationship history to speak of), but even part of a majority - the people who (at any given moment at any rate) are autistic and single. Presumably meaning that there's a core constituency of the long-term single somewhat larger than that NT-normative 5%-16% spectrum that I just mentioned.
So, when I came on here, I expected to see - comfortingly - others like me. Been on their own most of their life, live alone, and so on.
But nearly everybody on here who initially talks about not connecting well with people, struggling in society, needing a lot of solitude etc. will at some point casually reference a partner, spouse, children. The disconnect always feels strange to me. How did so many socially challenged people end up doing exactly what NTs do so perplexingly easily, and just fall into these highly prescribed, ultra-orthodox relationships and domestic - often marital - situations and why aren't they constantly reacting in puzzlement as to the contradictory nature of their situation?
I'm aware that that could almost sound like I'm trying to be derogatory about some (overall - life is complicated) lovely - hopefully!- situations for people that in fact I wish them only well with. But, like firemonkey felt about the employment stats/forum as 'proxy' situation (see the 'Not at all sure...' thread), I have an equivalent thing with the above that makes me feel very odd man out, when in theory that 54% weighting towards the contrary should be more detectably present here.
Am I wrong about that? One factor I should bear in mind is that coupled-up people (sometimes including 'living apart together's and so on) usually broadcast in real life a continuous hard signal (explicit information about that - wedding ring, who they're walking about with etc.) whereas the unmarried but in a relationship people and the truly single people are - when on solo trips out and about - blended together in complete and equal ambiguity - either status is completely undetectable at face value unless accompanied by children or somesuch. So you have to rely on probability theory to feel not anomalous when out and about. Eg. in a supermarket with 100 adults in it, 16 of them are in theory invisibly single, as I am (hope that makes sense!). Similarly, online - and very naturally - in referring to their life, a significant other, or children (the two not necessarily going together of course), or perhaps (as - I was sorry to hear - in fremonkey's case) being a widow - a coupled-up person soon confirms themselves as such. But that seems to be nearly everyone on here, and I can't make the evidence square adequately with the statistic in a way that doesn't leave me feeling like a strange outlier that even many on here would look at as a bit weird for not fitting into the norm more in at least (as if it was so easy!) that respect. It feels kind of lonely, and that a cosmic joke constantly has the objective truth of things hidden in my blind-spot, no matter what mental gymnastics or research I put myself through.
If there's anyone else on here who is single and comfortable saying so (I'm not trying to smoke you out for some nefarious agenda - that's absolutely not what this is about!) I'd appreciate that, as right now I feel like an alien even among aliens. And feeling so just a tiny bit less would be nice(r).
Sorry for digging up an old thread but this is the single biggest issue I have with the forum. I have always been single despite wanting very much not to be and every time I see a post about how alone someone is or how difficult they find connecting to people then - as you say - casually reference their spouse and children, it's like a knife in my guts.
Every time I see one of those posts - and it is most days on here - I wonder if this forum is the right place for me, or if there is a right place for me anywhere.
When I've brought this up with therapists they say something really quite patronising and unhelpful " but you're nice", "i believe in you", "things will get better". But that's not my reality. And I hoped this forum might be a place where I felt solidarity with people experiencing the same problems, but instead it's a constant reminder that even here, I am just less.
I am 'single' - whatever that means! I do wonder, and have always wondered, why the relationship status of a person counts for so much? Surely there's more to each and every one of us than that? And if you're single, you may well attract sympathy, or even pity, for not hitting the bar, or achieving the normal state, which apparently is being part of a couple.
I think I would find someone else too intrusive and time-consuming. They'd be in the way.
I didn't always feel like I do now, but through many trials and errors, I've developed my own life, which suits me. I have lots to do, some freedom to do it, and I don't have to compromise for somebody else.
It's not bad
It’s not so much the dying that frightens me, as decades of being completely alone and unknown (after retirement) then utterly vulnerable and dependent on strangers when I become unable to look after myself.
It has been a simple blunt assumption for much of my life, that I will have to take things into my own hands before I decline too far and can’t.
Re: the future decline aspect, I do recall finding the following blog post helpful for perspective on that https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/living-single/200901/the-ultimate-threat-single-people-youll-die-alone
Hopefully it can give you comfort too. There are pros and cons to every scenario. How 'the end' looks for each of us is no exception...
It’s not the status as such that bothers me, most of the time anyway. People I work with have repeatedly assumed I’m married.
I just want someone to keep me company, to talk about life with, to do things with, to give a damn about me, to sit on the sofa and watch TV with me!. And I’ve cared for other people (not all of them furry) all my life and feel that as a gap in my life now too.
I’d also be dishonest if I said I’m not fearful of the future. I watched both my parents decline and become completely dependent, and in just the last few months the same thing happened to my neighbour across the road. I’m really worried about what would happen to me with no one to advocate or care for me.
I do understand the point about another person being intrusive or time consuming. It’s another worry I have, but based more inertia and my current position. I’m sure I’d cope.