Autistic Adult Living at Home

Nice to be appreciated, thank you!

ThanksNAS78373 for starting this thread - it is reminscent of someone I know in a similar situation. And thank you @Martin

(Just want to thank you Martin for your comments in this thread - they're really helpful and considered.

it would be,imho, helpful to her to not be obsessing on the crazy world....... i don't think it's that unusual for aspie (forgive that word) to be super obsessed with various things - such as world events, and feeling pain and emotional turmoil. my uncle, who i'm similar to, does this all the time. i tell him to try to let it go. he can't.

i hope your sister can, either let it go, or do something useful about it. maybe she should work for a non-profit doing their computer stuff. i suspect she would need a job that suits her need or desire to help. maybe i'm wrong. i'd suggest volunteer jobs --- that won't bring money in, but it will get her out, get her used to being out, etc. 

her being TG is just another hardship she must traverse. it's good that TG is somewhat more accepted now, than previously.

best of luck to her.

Thank you for your comment. Though I find it unnecessarily unhelpful and somewhat rude. She is on benefits and still does not contribute, but not for want of us asking. We do not want to give her an ultimatum or kick her out onto the streets with nowhere to go. Part of the problem is as you state - you do not stop being a parent once the child turns 18, but the support you might need does stop there. Myself and my parents have sought help and support from numerous charities and have not received any. She has been assessed by someone - who the whole time asked my sister how they were doing with the assessment, basically asking for a review rather than actually helping. She had been seeing a therapist who, at one of my sisters lowest points, dropped her as a client. What you are also saying is that my parents will be ok if my "disabled" sister is living there because even if they go destitute they might not lose their house. Great. What a relief. 

Get her a needs assessment to get the right support.

it will result in employment support, assistance in integrating into the community and can assist with moving out and independent living. 

saying that, your parents finical situation is none of your business and her living in the annex would save your parents finically in the long run. A disabled family member in the annex doesn’t include additional council tax that a tenant would. Having a disabled i individual on the property can make it harder for assess to be procured by debt agencies. 

if she not working she should be on benefits which should be enough to contribute her share of the utilities. While giving her enough to provide food and clothes for herself. 

I would avoid forcing the situation like you are because your going to make it more difficult for your sister to get to the desired stage of being fully independent. your parents are responsible for sister until they pass of this mortal coil, being a parent doesn’t end at 18 and if your child hasn’t gathered the skills or morals to fly the nest. Then it’s tuff. Your parents will have to cope. If your parents are sitting her down and making steps to get the money off her for utilities at least. Then it’s your parents problem. 

I'm happy to have been of some help. There is also the problem of control and predictability. At the moment, being at home and not having to go out to work, your sister is in control of her environment and everything is very predictable. Going to work would change all of this, your sister's life would be less under her control, interacting with colleagues and superiors guarantees this, and much less predictable. Autistics find both lack of control and unpredictability very unpleasant and anxiety-inducing. Any job should aim towards some level of autonomy and predictability. I would say that the worst job I can think of for an autistic would be a sales rep. having to constantly meet new people and travel to new places.

Thank you for your reply, this is really helpful. 

Autism derives from the Greek αὐτός, meaning 'self', but I would take issue with the term 'me-ism'. Narcissists use their social abilities in order to manipulate other people for their own benefit, autistics have trouble with social communication so are substantially incapable of the manipulation of others.

Many autistics are generous and, contrary to stereotyping, can feel huge amounts of empathy, as is evidenced by the many autistics on this site who respond to the problems of others. The reason why autistics sometimes appear to be selfish is because we are more easily hurt than most, and it is a defence mechanism. Your sister is reluctant to engage with the idea of seeking work because her past experiences with work have been traumatic. I have no concrete advice about how to proceed, but you will need to overcome this defensive reaction before your sister can actively look for work.

It is all about the workplace and job suitability and how comfortable it will be for her. I had a long and happy career in scientific research at universities, because I had a limited number of people that I had to interact with on a daily basis, the people I did interact with were also obsessed with my 'special interest', hyper-focussing on a project was a positive trait, as were my oblique abilities in problem solving. Lastly, within reason, I could pace myself so that I did not burn-out at any time.

Thank you. I spoke to her yesterday and offered my support. It does just seem like it will be a very slow progress thing. The letter/email is a really good suggestion, thank you. I think the interesting thing about her is that she is in her head but in a very big way. She takes the troubles of the world on her shoulders, and constantly reads about everything that's going wrong in the world in minute detail. She also offers lots of help and support to friends online, but as far as I know, never asks for it herself. She certainly doesn't ask for help from us. It's tricky. She's actually a very self-less person - a bit of an anomaly! 

Hi, thanks for your reply. This is something we've suggested, but we have also been met with resistance to this. 

This sounds very similar to an autistic associate I know. The truth is anyone that has been living at home and not working for that long will feel vulnerable and be angry and scared at suggestions they buck up and get out there into the world, doing productive things. There's no obvious answer. Write a letter or email to them explaining clearly the situation. Autism is also known as me-ism so you'll need them to digest that there are other things happening that matter outside their head. That is best done in writing. They are certainly capable of doing some productive activities, look what they have achieved already. The world's a different place now, more understanding than just three years ago. There are companies that only hire autistic IT consultants. Ignore your mum's pointless emotional plea, I mean who doesn't want that? It's not helpful messaging. I think some stick as well as the kindness carrot will help, just done gently and in right way. Autism does not mean immune from criticism or not able to be exposed to real world. It just needs to be done carefully and with a plan.

Rent out the annexe to her.