Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello,
I was wondering if anyone might be able to give me some advice regarding my sister. She has high-functioning autism and has been living in my parents annexe for nearly 3 years. She is 29 next week.
She has a degree in Computer Science from the University of Cambridge, however she has not worked for over 5 years. She doesn't want to live at home, and my parents are now heading towards financial difficulty, so need to be able to rent out the annexe. She has lived away from home before and is reasonably self-sufficient. We are keen to help get her on the right track, but she is very difficult to communicate with. Every time work and life progression is mentioned she either has a panic attack or just gets angry and walks away. She is also transgender which may well have an impact on her nerves regarding work. My belief is that her autism and previous damaging experience in the work place are the main culprits. Her most recent role was within a company who had little to no understanding of autism, and has left her with severe workplace anxiety.
It's pretty distressing for everyone involved at this point. My parents have had their fair share of health issues to deal with as well in recent years, and of course for my sister it is clearly draining to go through these discussions over and over again. We have tried offering assistance with job searches, just doing the searches for her, helping understanding what is holding her back and many other varying approaches but we seem to always meet a brick wall.
Does anyone have any advice for us to be able to connect with and help her in a practical and unharmful way? My mum keeps telling me how she just wants for my sister to be happy and live her own life.
Thanks,
Anon
Get her a needs assessment to get the right support.
it will result in employment support, assistance in integrating into the community and can assist with moving out and independent living.
saying that, your parents finical situation is none of your business and her living in the annex would save your parents finically in the long run. A disabled family member in the annex doesn’t include additional council tax that a tenant would. Having a disabled i individual on the property can make it harder for assess to be procured by debt agencies.
if she not working she should be on benefits which should be enough to contribute her share of the utilities. While giving her enough to provide food and clothes for herself.
I would avoid forcing the situation like you are because your going to make it more difficult for your sister to get to the desired stage of being fully independent. your parents are responsible for sister until they pass of this mortal coil, being a parent doesn’t end at 18 and if your child hasn’t gathered the skills or morals to fly the nest. Then it’s tuff. Your parents will have to cope. If your parents are sitting her down and making steps to get the money off her for utilities at least. Then it’s your parents problem.
Thank you for your comment. Though I find it unnecessarily unhelpful and somewhat rude. She is on benefits and still does not contribute, but not for want of us asking. We do not want to give her an ultimatum or kick her out onto the streets with nowhere to go. Part of the problem is as you state - you do not stop being a parent once the child turns 18, but the support you might need does stop there. Myself and my parents have sought help and support from numerous charities and have not received any. She has been assessed by someone - who the whole time asked my sister how they were doing with the assessment, basically asking for a review rather than actually helping. She had been seeing a therapist who, at one of my sisters lowest points, dropped her as a client. What you are also saying is that my parents will be ok if my "disabled" sister is living there because even if they go destitute they might not lose their house. Great. What a relief.