Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello,
I was wondering if anyone might be able to give me some advice regarding my sister. She has high-functioning autism and has been living in my parents annexe for nearly 3 years. She is 29 next week.
She has a degree in Computer Science from the University of Cambridge, however she has not worked for over 5 years. She doesn't want to live at home, and my parents are now heading towards financial difficulty, so need to be able to rent out the annexe. She has lived away from home before and is reasonably self-sufficient. We are keen to help get her on the right track, but she is very difficult to communicate with. Every time work and life progression is mentioned she either has a panic attack or just gets angry and walks away. She is also transgender which may well have an impact on her nerves regarding work. My belief is that her autism and previous damaging experience in the work place are the main culprits. Her most recent role was within a company who had little to no understanding of autism, and has left her with severe workplace anxiety.
It's pretty distressing for everyone involved at this point. My parents have had their fair share of health issues to deal with as well in recent years, and of course for my sister it is clearly draining to go through these discussions over and over again. We have tried offering assistance with job searches, just doing the searches for her, helping understanding what is holding her back and many other varying approaches but we seem to always meet a brick wall.
Does anyone have any advice for us to be able to connect with and help her in a practical and unharmful way? My mum keeps telling me how she just wants for my sister to be happy and live her own life.
Thanks,
Anon
This sounds very similar to an autistic associate I know. The truth is anyone that has been living at home and not working for that long will feel vulnerable and be angry and scared at suggestions they buck up and get out there into the world, doing productive things. There's no obvious answer. Write a letter or email to them explaining clearly the situation. Autism is also known as me-ism so you'll need them to digest that there are other things happening that matter outside their head. That is best done in writing. They are certainly capable of doing some productive activities, look what they have achieved already. The world's a different place now, more understanding than just three years ago. There are companies that only hire autistic IT consultants. Ignore your mum's pointless emotional plea, I mean who doesn't want that? It's not helpful messaging. I think some stick as well as the kindness carrot will help, just done gently and in right way. Autism does not mean immune from criticism or not able to be exposed to real world. It just needs to be done carefully and with a plan.
Thank you. I spoke to her yesterday and offered my support. It does just seem like it will be a very slow progress thing. The letter/email is a really good suggestion, thank you. I think the interesting thing about her is that she is in her head but in a very big way. She takes the troubles of the world on her shoulders, and constantly reads about everything that's going wrong in the world in minute detail. She also offers lots of help and support to friends online, but as far as I know, never asks for it herself. She certainly doesn't ask for help from us. It's tricky. She's actually a very self-less person - a bit of an anomaly!
it would be,imho, helpful to her to not be obsessing on the crazy world....... i don't think it's that unusual for aspie (forgive that word) to be super obsessed with various things - such as world events, and feeling pain and emotional turmoil. my uncle, who i'm similar to, does this all the time. i tell him to try to let it go. he can't.
i hope your sister can, either let it go, or do something useful about it. maybe she should work for a non-profit doing their computer stuff. i suspect she would need a job that suits her need or desire to help. maybe i'm wrong. i'd suggest volunteer jobs --- that won't bring money in, but it will get her out, get her used to being out, etc.
her being TG is just another hardship she must traverse. it's good that TG is somewhat more accepted now, than previously.
best of luck to her.