Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello,
I was wondering if anyone might be able to give me some advice regarding my sister. She has high-functioning autism and has been living in my parents annexe for nearly 3 years. She is 29 next week.
She has a degree in Computer Science from the University of Cambridge, however she has not worked for over 5 years. She doesn't want to live at home, and my parents are now heading towards financial difficulty, so need to be able to rent out the annexe. She has lived away from home before and is reasonably self-sufficient. We are keen to help get her on the right track, but she is very difficult to communicate with. Every time work and life progression is mentioned she either has a panic attack or just gets angry and walks away. She is also transgender which may well have an impact on her nerves regarding work. My belief is that her autism and previous damaging experience in the work place are the main culprits. Her most recent role was within a company who had little to no understanding of autism, and has left her with severe workplace anxiety.
It's pretty distressing for everyone involved at this point. My parents have had their fair share of health issues to deal with as well in recent years, and of course for my sister it is clearly draining to go through these discussions over and over again. We have tried offering assistance with job searches, just doing the searches for her, helping understanding what is holding her back and many other varying approaches but we seem to always meet a brick wall.
Does anyone have any advice for us to be able to connect with and help her in a practical and unharmful way? My mum keeps telling me how she just wants for my sister to be happy and live her own life.
Thanks,
Anon
This sounds very similar to an autistic associate I know. The truth is anyone that has been living at home and not working for that long will feel vulnerable and be angry and scared at suggestions they buck up and get out there into the world, doing productive things. There's no obvious answer. Write a letter or email to them explaining clearly the situation. Autism is also known as me-ism so you'll need them to digest that there are other things happening that matter outside their head. That is best done in writing. They are certainly capable of doing some productive activities, look what they have achieved already. The world's a different place now, more understanding than just three years ago. There are companies that only hire autistic IT consultants. Ignore your mum's pointless emotional plea, I mean who doesn't want that? It's not helpful messaging. I think some stick as well as the kindness carrot will help, just done gently and in right way. Autism does not mean immune from criticism or not able to be exposed to real world. It just needs to be done carefully and with a plan.
Thank you. I spoke to her yesterday and offered my support. It does just seem like it will be a very slow progress thing. The letter/email is a really good suggestion, thank you. I think the interesting thing about her is that she is in her head but in a very big way. She takes the troubles of the world on her shoulders, and constantly reads about everything that's going wrong in the world in minute detail. She also offers lots of help and support to friends online, but as far as I know, never asks for it herself. She certainly doesn't ask for help from us. It's tricky. She's actually a very self-less person - a bit of an anomaly!
Autism derives from the Greek αὐτός, meaning 'self', but I would take issue with the term 'me-ism'. Narcissists use their social abilities in order to manipulate other people for their own benefit, autistics have trouble with social communication so are substantially incapable of the manipulation of others.
Many autistics are generous and, contrary to stereotyping, can feel huge amounts of empathy, as is evidenced by the many autistics on this site who respond to the problems of others. The reason why autistics sometimes appear to be selfish is because we are more easily hurt than most, and it is a defence mechanism. Your sister is reluctant to engage with the idea of seeking work because her past experiences with work have been traumatic. I have no concrete advice about how to proceed, but you will need to overcome this defensive reaction before your sister can actively look for work.
It is all about the workplace and job suitability and how comfortable it will be for her. I had a long and happy career in scientific research at universities, because I had a limited number of people that I had to interact with on a daily basis, the people I did interact with were also obsessed with my 'special interest', hyper-focussing on a project was a positive trait, as were my oblique abilities in problem solving. Lastly, within reason, I could pace myself so that I did not burn-out at any time.
Nice to be appreciated, thank you!
ThanksNAS78373 for starting this thread - it is reminscent of someone I know in a similar situation. And thank you @Martin
(Just want to thank you Martin for your comments in this thread - they're really helpful and considered.
I'm happy to have been of some help. There is also the problem of control and predictability. At the moment, being at home and not having to go out to work, your sister is in control of her environment and everything is very predictable. Going to work would change all of this, your sister's life would be less under her control, interacting with colleagues and superiors guarantees this, and much less predictable. Autistics find both lack of control and unpredictability very unpleasant and anxiety-inducing. Any job should aim towards some level of autonomy and predictability. I would say that the worst job I can think of for an autistic would be a sales rep. having to constantly meet new people and travel to new places.