My (F22) autistic boyfriend (M30) says and does abusive things

Sure, that much weed can have only a negative impact. I have priorities like rent, food, fuel, life etc and when they are all taken care of financially can I consider cannabis for medicinal purposes. Maybe 2 grams a week average. An awakener and a sleeper usually and if I find a particularly nice, mind expanding strain I will indulge a little more. If cannabis was prescribed for sleep issues in UK I would be first in the queue.

1.5 grammes a day of modern bud is apparently considered heavy use. That's 15 quid a day or 450 quid a month.

That is a lot of money to have to find...

I'm always in favour of saving a relationship and working at it as far as is possible, even in my previous life where I was actually the bread winner, and not living more like your chap is now, I still tried my hardest to keep a failing relationship afloat, until she called time on it. But it does sound like your guy has painted himself (and you!) into a corner here, financially if in no other way, simply with his weed habit, and that needs to change...

Here is some vital financial advice for both of you. Until you can manage to save a bit of money regularly, some way, some how, you will ALWAYS be under "pressure of money". I started out with £2 coins after meeting a guy who had bought his new 400 quid laptop from his £2 coin savings. A huge weed habit, is not your friend, nor is it good value for money.

I've got a mate who blazes a truly fantastic amount of weed every day, but he keeps his act together, goes to work, and is a sucessful family guy, and I envy him that ability. Even on my (currently peaking) 4 -7 Gramme a week habit, I struggle to keep my aspect pleasant, and pay my way. I know I need to get my act more together and stop "waking and baking", your guy has an even bigger problem. If I was him, I'd make it a priority to have a few weeks off the weed, and take a look at things.

YOU on the other hand, need to decide if you are happy to let this go on. If you cannot gently get him to see things your way and collaborate to make changes that make you lives happier and easier, then you will need to create a different life in your mind, and go and live it, whilst you stilll can.  

So he acts like that, and he uses you for weed? If he was serious about his health condition, he'd find a way to deal with his health issues on his own and find a way to pay for it without involving you, like by getting a job or going through government financial assistance program.

I saw your message that he sits down with you to talk to you and discuss things with you like fully grown adults, and of course he'll do that, because you're his bank account, you're were he gets his money from. If he upsets you and you leave him, he will have no more free money from you. 

This just sounds very unhealthy. I mean, if a friend was in your situation, what would you think? Would you like your friend being yelled at and lied to and used for their money? That's not very nice.

He seems very chaotic and stress provoking, and he seems unable to regulate his emotions, and by your descriptions of him, it makes me think of descriptions of personality disorders.

I know there's comparisons being made between autism and narcissism sometimes, and although both have issues socializing and displaying empathy, their outputs are different.

I'd say that autism is asocial (a- meaning lacking social awareness) and there can be a type of cluelessness about them when socializing (what kind of body language or facial expression would be appropriate for this situation? They might have some social awkwardness, and the topics they discuss can be catered towards their own special interests, and they speak genuinely when talking about a topic they like. Socializing can overwhelming and draining which leads to social withdrawal, so they need a lot of personal space to recover, or else they will have a meltdown, but after some rest they feel a lot better.

Narcissism is antisocial (anti- meaning against socializing, against society) and they see others as distrustworthy, enemies, and people they can take advantage of. Socializing is a transaction for them, it's either people are a threat or a benefit,. There's chaos, control, blame, jealousy, guilt-tripping, gaslighting. There's a flip in personalities, between being charming and being degrading, there's lovebombing and devaluation. There's a bunch of things like it's a rollarcoaster ride. There's a selfishness about them that ruins things for those around them. They always take from others, and they expect others to always give to them.

EDIT:

I have decided to remove my original comment.

I am not trying to hide anything and have copied the comment if anyone is interested. The comment outlined details of my own history and behaviour, which I believed might help in this discussion. I might post it as a separate thread, independent of this discussion.

Having read more comments, and discussed things with other users, I have come to the conclusion that the comment wasn't useful or helpful for this discussion.

I misinterpreted the purpose and direction of this thread.

And I think the content of my comment is more of a distraction, so I have decided to remove it.

I hope removal of my comment helps this discussion move forward in a productive way.

I will leave my other comments intact.

END EDIT

Are you crazy? 55 years old and no baggage? You are hot property in some circles my friend!

(Thanks for extending the respect, I don't often attract that, and it's a heady feeling this early in the morning!).

Seriously. For you, "Games people Play" by Eric Berne, It's a book about relationships. where he explains how aspects of relationships work, in a way that an 25 year old "incel" engineer like myself surrounded by pseudo friends and coming from an abusive background was able to parlay into a real change of pace & aspect.

I was not designed or brought up to be a good person to know. I recognised however, that an isolated hermit life, was not really what I wanted (full time), and that in order to interact with these mysterious people outside of my head, and do it well, I needed to understand them and myself a bit more.

I'm not sure how helpful "spamming" the little book as I do here some days actually is, but I can say that the few other people I've met in life who have read this book all seem to rate it and have found it useful. Just because you have learned from a book what you need to know in order to be able to form and sustain relationships, does not make the knowledge any less real or valuable to the people you apply it to (including yourself) as having it baked into your genes like most seem to have to a greater degree.

Regardless of what is causing this behaviour, you need to leave. You don't need to save him or change him. The abuse will only escalate. If HE cared about the risk of homelessness then he would treat you better already. The fact that he doesn't shows his confidence in his control over you. 

NAS15878 said:

Anyway, it sounds like maybe he needs to try relying on a support worker more, and less on you. and a referral for CBT.

I agree.

Also smoking more weed makes people more tolerant and so have to smoke more for the same effect but I cannot say much because If I have no weed and I have £20 spare I will spend it on weed. I have none of either at the moment so I will have to do without but I am not having any withdrawal symptoms

I found your post an interesting read especially section 6. I am 55 years old and was diagnosed a few months ago. I now feel I have little hope in getting what I want (a girlfriend or/and sex which I have never experienced). Before being diagnosed I thought I was just unlucky but now I know it is because of my autism. Sometimes I find it hard to cope.

Reading section 6 has made me have respect for you. I only wish I could have the same mindset

I dont think it's down to his autism (not just his autism anyway). I think it is the smoking too

Some people are just not very high functioning when using weed, especially EVERY DAY. It makes them zombie like and very dazed and confused.

Reminds me of my ex boyfriend who was so emotionally baffling. He smoked so much every day, and it did not help him, and lot of his behaviour in our relationship was emotional thrill-seeking. Same for a couple of my old friends, who lived life on autopilot and did not know how to deal with new issues in their lives. They would rant a lot and display very illogical and inconsequential reasoning skills when trying to deal with their own issues. Going round and round in circles like your boyfriend.

I'm not slamming the use of marijuana, but just like all other types of medication, it's not right for everyone and it can be abused to a point where it is unhelpful and unhealthy.

Anyway, it sounds like maybe he needs to try relying on a support worker more, and less on you. and a referral for CBT.

Hes been smoking mine too. I used to spend £180 a month on it. He spends his entire disability on weed, because he ends up borrowing money and weed

NAS76012 said:

he smokes an ounce in a few days

Does he say he smokes about an ounce in a few days or are you having a guesstimate? I am asking this because it is very unlikely he smokes that much. If he does then he must be spending around £1500 a month on it

Two wrongs do not a right make. Take his insecurity. It sucks for him. It is his problem as it originates inside of him, so he needs to find his own solution to it, INSIDE OF HIMSELF.

Or be a jealous nutter forever.

In my own case I have learned that he best antidote is to just trust my partner. Then I simply don't have to worry what she is doing, and can enjoy a bit of me time when she goes out.. When I discover aciidently whilst tidying up that she had her handbag nicked in town one day, the police were involved etc, and she has not bothered to mention it to me, my trust evaporates instantly... And that's how long the first "peace of mind" lasts.

Then one is forced to develop long term trust which is based on "trust but verify". Quite honestly, this is a savage dilemma. If you ask too may questions or try to do your verification overtly, you end up excercising controlling and unpleasant behaviour over the other person, who alledgely you are in a loving relationship with! Even if you lover can understand how horrible and unsettling your insecurity is and tries to mould their life around reasssuring you that they love you it can never work, because the insecurity (if fed) will just grow. So, the only way to DIY treat this condition is to work tirelessly and completely stealthily on the "verification" side of things. Often your results will be inconclusive, discard those. If you are truly unlucky like one of my acquaintances who tracked his G/F by GPS) you will discover a secret affair, but you might also discover many occasions where your misgivings turned out to be groundless, as happened to me, and confirmed my own suspicions, that my insecurity was all about events in the past and not my poor long suffering G/F. Of course smoking weed is well known to sometimes (not always) give one "the watchfulness of the kif", A.K.A. Paranoia.

A man thus afflicted keeps that sort of problem to himself and behaves correctly towards others, unless he wishes to end up as a babbling hermit or on the sort of medication that prevents one from getting an erection...

There is no treatment, no magic pill from the doctor. You either give in to those negative feelings, and make your own and others lives a misery, or you extend trust anyway, and accept total responsibility for your bouts of personal insecurity. If the feelings are overly strong, then you make it an internal matter and conduct your own investigation over time. No one likes to feel distrusted, no one likes false accusations or being overtly questioned, so none of that is going to make to you or anyone else feel any better or fix your relationship.

Mostly my insecurity comes from early life experiences (once bitten twice shy), an ever present feeling of not quite ever being "in the loop" socially, and my own disgust for the life I actually lead as compared to what I think of as a "good" life. NONE OF WHICH has anything to do with my partner.

If you let your "tendancies" dominate your life, and just say "Muh Autism" all the time, how much fun is that going to be long term? 

I've tended to write my responses as if talking to your bloke. I am personally ashamed of this bit of my "wiring", and have wondered if those strong bouts of insecurity disqualify me from having human relationships at all, but that's MY problem & I choose to not make it her problem because I do actually love her, and not want her to have to deal with it in addition to the daily autism related annoyancies that are less avoidable. 

It must affect you because it has hurt you enough to look for help.

Don't excuse his behaviour. Autism or whatever else isn't an excuse, and really you shouldn't have to take ANYTHING into account when dealing with abusive behaviour.

Abuse is abuse, no matter what condition someone suffers with.

He does so many lovely things for me, and is generally a good person with good morals, and whenever one of these situations arises he says "I'm sure we are both intelligent and mature enough to discuss this like adults" and reminds me how good he is 99% of the time, and how he knows himself and that whilst his behaviour may appear abusive that I'm not taking his autism into account, and that he's trying to be vulnerable and give me an explanation of his reasons. My argument is that no matter what the cause, the act still causes hurt.

He does so many lovely things for me, and is generally a good person with good morals, and whenever one of these situations arises he says "I'm sure we are both intelligent and mature enough to discuss this like adults" and reminds me how good he is 99% of the time, and how he knows himself and that whilst his behaviour may appear abusive that I'm not taking his autism into account, and that he's trying to be vulnerable and give me an explanation of his reasons. My argument is that no matter what the cause, the act still causes hurt.

Thankyou so much for replying to me. 

I'm in a similar situation, and I play the male part in the story. But slightly better, I hope...

1. The insecurity. I have it sometimes, I decided to own it. Even when I didn't know I was autistic (the first 59 years!), I decided it was MY problem and best dealt with quietly. I've been known to "trust but verify" on the few ocasions when it has got unbearable, but generally once I realsied that no one can fool me for ever, (or even very long) and that I don't have to KNOW RIGHT NOW, I can wait, things got a lot more manageable. The important thing is to not make it anyoen elses problem, becuise it simply is not FAIR.

2. Choice. The name given to people who cannot choose to do good things, is bad people. Or if they have it really bad, MAD people. Autism does push one towards the dark side if you let it, so I've studied the concepts of good and evil since I was a nipper, and I've always tried my darndest to at least be certain of my "alignment" at any given time. I also rely hugely on the people I can trust to give me honest feedback, as to my orientation as they see it.

3. Weed. Can be cripplingly expensive nowadays. Citizens advice told me to grow my own, when I had a money advice session. There was no other personal economy I could make that I was not already doing. An economy that does work well, is to take a few weeks off from time to time and examine the changes that happen. It's kinda like a mind altering experience in and of itself for a long term pothead, and I find it quite enjoyable, but always revert back to smoking a weed. Isn't the whole point of using weed to open my mind and ease frustration? In my case it suppresses my inclination to act precipitously (or at all if I smoke just a BIT too much!!) which is good, but proper work often requires a clearer head. The tendancy to "Wake and bake" can cripple my productivity on occasion. ALL WEED is just as bad as NO WEED. MY most productive and balanced life was when I got up, and did not smoke any dope until my working day was over. Just go and attend your nearest 420 celebration next April, and ask yourself, what does this look like? Have they even managed any signage extolling the virtues of our favourite vegetation. OR was it as much as they could do to find a tent and relocate the bong to outdoors for a few hours? Weed has it's good sides and it's bad sides. As a constant daily user it is easy to end up with an unreasonably rosy view of oneself and ones position in life, being happy whilst all around you crumbles. Sometimes you just have to take one for the team and take a few days out. 48 hours of sweatyness and a somewhat shortened temper is about the worst that you can expect, by way of withdrawal effects, 

4. Work. I've realised that there is a profound difference between hard work and soul destroying struggle. I quite enjoy hard work, I've NO TIME any more for "struggle". (My struggles are against my own nature, I simply do not need any external struggle as well!) Once your guy gets this, he may be able to find best ways of using himself in life. I wish I had figured it our earlier.

5. The relationship. Many men find themselves in a battle between biology and social programming today. Biology tries to push us one way (towards reproduction, taking control, and BEING A MAN), society currently tells us there is no difference between men and women (but if there was any difference  men would be in the wrong and need to change, doubly so if they are white!) and that heterosexual reproduction and traditional families are a throwback to a dark age where only women were oppressed or paid any sort of price. A lot of men need worthwhile* work, and a feeling of being in charge (however illusory!) in order to feel "sane" I know I do! I've had a long slog creating my own "worthwhile work", with many reverses along the away, and I'm slowly but surely taking charge of my life again. 

6. The Autism. It has it's good points, but if it wasn't a pain in the backside, it would not have a name and a place in the medical liiterature. There were two paths which opened up to me after diagnosis.

A: This is what I am stuck with, things really will NOT get better for me, I may as well give up trying to do the things I know I cannot do.     

B: I  have this thing that makes me different to others. It clearly makes me annoying to many, and makes "the many" annoying to me. How am I going to take charge of and manage this situation? What unique advantages does my condition give me? How can I leverage my traits, to deliver a good and happy life to me and the people around me? I've taken a LOT of guff over the years, and been discounted by many people, whilst trying to do everything they do and carry this load at the same time. Were they right? Or was I just waiting for "my time"?

7. MY PEOPLE, pets and other assets. They are all I have, of real value in the world, and observation suggests that they will all drift away if not properly maintained and looked after. Where are my real priorities? Do I not have a need to look after them, JUST AS MUCH as keeping the weed going? 

I hope that this is helpful in some way, as almost no one likes living with an ineffective and insecure whiner. 

And this is a classic and well known set of poor quality human transactions, which Eric Berne named "wooden leg" in his book "Games People Play". A book I always recommend for those Autists struggling  to understand the basics of human relational and transactional psychology.

The nature of Autism is that it seemingly makes one self-absorbed and it is very easy to have that self absorbtion metastasize into uncaring selfishness.

I agree with this.

He sounds extremely volatile. 

You may not be unsafe now, but these things almost always lead to worse outcomes.

You're still very very young and will easily be able to find someone a lot better for you.

I believe in you!

Gaslighting, jealousy, violence all lead to worse violence. Get in contact with your support worker and have this man in need of mental health services helped. First he has to vacate your home because you need a safe space in which to live. Then maybe some kindly Constables or Paramedics could effect him to the nearest available crisis unit for his own safety, at the very least for your safety.

C-PTSD can be very similar to BPD, however I don't think a lot of this behaviour attributes itself to Autism and sounds a lot like BPD.

The outbursts of anger, threats of su*cide, blowing up your phone when he doesn't know where you are, self medicating. All big signs of BPD.

Perhaps have him read up on it, or you could and approach him with it?

Life is much easier when you understand yourself. He should look at getting therapy for this.

He does most of the housework, I don't have the because I have a full time on the clock almost 24/7 job. I have PTSD and he thinks thats why I "overreact", but I think his behaviour would be concerning regardless.